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female
,
anonymous
writes: OK, I'm giving up on my quest to get my ex-fiance' back. We were together for 3 years. We broke up 3 months ago and I couldn't get over him and have tried almost every day to get him back and nothing's working. He is not dating anyone and I am not either. Everyone's telling me to move on but I couldn't. I am going to start therapy next week because of my depression. I am even physically sick over this to the point that I am realizing, I can't keep doing this to myself. An example of my behavior would be calling him maybe every other day or every three days and when I do, he sounds like he doesn't want to really talk to me, but yet, when I don't call him for a few days, he calls me acting super nice. We also go out and date "as friends". He says he wants to see how things go "as friends" then maybe we can go back out. I never cheated on him and he's never cheated on me, but trust was an issue on BOTH of our parts. I just can't take it anymore. I love him to death, but loving him and taking this ongoing rejecting every day of my life is bringing me closer to death. I have bought all these books on how to get your love back. I just get all different kinds of techniques that contradict one another and confuse me! I'm thinking it may be best to throw in the towel. Let go and let God. From what I have told you, what should I do? Please help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2005): Going to see that therapist is an excellent idea. Some of the things you say in this letter make me think you may a 'love addiction' problem. But a trained therapist may be to help you and know about this. Hidden pain, afraid to trust anyone in a relationship, depression, sense of worthlessness without this partner, feelings that a relationship makes one whole, or more of woman. All symptomatic of a co-dependency that needs to be dealt with. Sometimes, we need to reach out and ask for help, or have the courage to do something about it and you have bravely take the first step. (good for you!) Depression happens to people. It sucks and it can happen to any of us. It isn't your fault, and it doesn't mean your're weak, or broken, or unworthy of being loved. It just means you are struggling with heartache and you need some help to get you back on track.
Dear, it sounds like unfortunately, you may deriving too much of your sense of self from being partnered with this guy and it's time for you to start 'breaking away' from him. It will take courage and strength but it can be done, over time. Give yourself patience and understanding. But I would advise you to begin gaining a sense of yourself back again-by slowly backing away from this man. You getting too lost-it's too painful for you-you need to help yourself recover and heal. Remember, not to "replace" and find another man. That can be a mistake because your heart should be cured firstly. Love yourself first and foremost-it's time to invest all of your emotional energy in yourself and start taking care of you. Remember, depression is not any indication of any failure, it's just giving the simple wisdom to heal, get better and move on. I wish you the best in this journey and remember the wonderful family and good friends who love you-so anytime you feel it's too much to bear-seek their support and love. Take care, dear xo
Hugs,
Irish
A
reader, pops +, writes (15 September 2005):
Let him go. Get your counseling, and get help for your mental problems. Depression is treatable. You also need counseling for being so obsessed over this guy. You are not the first person who has been rejected by a lover. It happens all the time. What does not happen is everyone who suffers the same loss going to pieces, as you have chosen to do. You don't need the melodrama, and it wears thin on those around you. Get help, and Move on. Good luck next time. Think of this as His Big Mistake.
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