A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all! I posted a few years ago about being engaged to a Russian man and his very traditional family was pressuring us to get on with the wedding and move to Russia. But I was much too preoccupied with college and such. Well, we're done with college and we've gotten married two months ago (I can honestly say I've never been happier!) and I'm in the process of receiving dual citizenship for Russia and America. But now they're badgering us about children and I'm really not sure I'm ready for that yet. I'm only 23, you see.My husband still wants five children whereas I only want three, so our compromise will likely be four. He's not been pressuring me at all but my mother in law is dying for more grandchildren (she already has 13 from her other six adult children). And frankly, my own parents are wondering when there's going to be an addition to the family. How do I get them all to calm down for at least another two years while I get my career fixed up in Russia? And no, none of my children will be born in Russia; that was our compromise to me moving. They will all be born American.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2013): I know you really don't want to be harsh with anyone, but I would advise you to Google the amount of money it takes to financially raise a child from birth to 18. Then multiply it by four and that's how much money you are going to need for a family of four. Then add on rent, entertainment etc. Then ask for half since the family want kids so bad. That's the Best way to get them off you're back. It's rather expensive. Hell I'm 37 and don't have any. I make that decision no one else. It's my body that have to endure damn near a year of all the changes. When I'm ready I will. That the Best way to handle it. Congratulations and Best of luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2013): Parents; although well-meaning, tend to be a bit dismissive of their adult children's plans and privacy.
You often have to remind them that your plans are set; and you will happily let them know when there will be the blessed event of a child.
If you allow them to push you around, it becomes as you say,
"badgering." It will also become habitual, and can place a strain on your marriage. They'll try to "parent" your life.
You are an adult now, and you can politely and assertively inform your parents of your plans regarding children and your career, to the last detail. You are a smart woman.
They'll love you no less, and respect you the more. They have to realize that it is a private matter, and they are really over-stepping the issue. You are no longer a child.
They may get sore feelings; but they have to learn things too. They were once newly-weds too. Too long ago to remember.
In their day, parents ran the lives of their adult children.
Often they ran marriages into ruin by meddling. Creating family-tension, despair, and frustration. Adults still trying to get their parent's approval. Either you have it or you don't. You're a big girl now.
In these days, it is best to plan and prepare for having children.
The economy is unreliable, I don't know if you have student loan debt, you may want to purchase a home, and there are
your issues to be resolved regarding your dual citizenship.
They are over-looking major details. These are stressful times and a new marriage requires a little time to get off the ground. They should know better.
They aren't the one's responsible for the care and upbringing of your kids. They only get bragging rights as grandparents. Being "pushy-parents" is archaic behavior nowadays. This isn't the 60's and 70's; when times were simpler; and you could raise a family on a string. Times are complicated. You can no longer survive on an old-school way of thinking.
Too many young people rush into parenthood totally unprepared. They delay their goals, and offset their own wishes to please people who couldn't wait for you to grow up and get out their house! Or even worse, just the opposite; you nearly had to fight your way out of the door for privacy and independence.
There are kind, yet firm, ways to put your in-laws and parents in their proper places. You and your husband invite them to dinner; and start off the conversation by laying out your plans. Be sure you have his backing.
Don't ever let your husband leave you out on a limb. He has a responsibility, as your partner, in adding his support behind dealing with either set of parents. Don't let him hide behind that "Russian-Tradition" stuff. You are a natural-born American citizen; with rights and traditions equal to anywhere on the planet.
With all respect to all traditions, you are not Russian. Therefore, it's give or take. You'll respect theirs, as long as they'll respect yours. You can't be a wimp and let everyone roll you around like a ball of yarn, until you unravel.
We're now in the 21st century. Women have a right to set their goals and achieve them.
Parents will be your parents until the day they die; but they do not decide when it is time for you to have children; or any other major decision in your marriage.
Parenting is a personal and private choice. There will be pressuring and pouting. Even a power struggle. You home is your domain. That's where you inform them of your plans.
Mothers on either side, never really had the choices you have. Their rights as women, during their time, were mere ideals fought for by advocates.
For you, they're factual. You can have it all. Motherhood and a career.
Weather it out. The more they complain, the less they see or hear from you. Plain and simple.
When you'll have children, is only to be decided by two people.
You, and your spouse.
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