A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Every time I try and initiate sex with my girlfriend at the moment she turns me down, and on the rare occasions we do have sex I feel like a prick and that I've pressured her into it.She says it's ok and I shouldn't feel bad about it- that it's just her meds that are lowering her sex drive and I shouldn't worry- but our relationship had a rocky start and I'm scared she is bored of me and now she feels trapped- we have been living together for a few months now.I don't know what to do- I've tried to give her space but she says that that makes her feel worseI love her but I am a very sexual person- and it's making my mind wander which I hate.I wish I knew what to do- can anyone help
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (21 December 2015):
 I don't think this has anything to do with your sexual preferences as such, but it also might not be helping.
Living together changes the nature of a sexual relationship between two people.
When you are first in love, and getting to know someone, you don't see them all the time, so sex becomes an important way of bonding as a couple - you yearn to see your partner because you miss them.
When you live together, see each other every day, wake up next to them, every day, the dynamic changes. A lot. Having hot kinky sex every time you see each other suddenly doesn't seem the priority, as you live with each other - and not to be rude, most people wouldn't want that all the time.
Suddenly you are exposed to every single aspect of your partner, and every little habit, good or bad.
This revelation can be a massive culture shock, especially for women, as often they end up taking the bulk of household chores, cooking etc (sad but true) BUT crucially, men often think that "living together" means that sex will come every night.
It might for a while, but then suddenly, you just realise you are tired, and want some sleep. It is perfectly natural, and a normal progression in the relationship.
With regards to the BDSM sub/dom thing - again, when you were dating, and seeing each other regularly, she may have been perfectly happy to "play" being sub sometimes..... but every day? Day in day out?
Your statement of "As for fantasy and role play- we have no issues there- we are a Dom/sub BDSM couple- but she isn't showing her usual signs of sub drop could this be a new sign perhaps? "
This says you are linking everything to sex. My guess is, you are seeing everything through the eyes of sex. And you are seeing all her behaviour/feelings/emotions relating to sex.
Living together magnifies many aspects of a relationship, and sexual compatibility comes to the fore. It is obvious you have a very high sex drive, and she has a low one. Living together highlights such incompatibilities, because long term, one or other will end up feeling resentment. You because you miss sex or feel like you are forcing her, her because she feels pressurised or is not making you happy.
No matter how much you love someone, sexual compatibility does matter, especially if you are looking to spend a lifetime together.
Have you tried, romantic, loving caring sex, where BDSM and sub/dom don't come in to it? Have you tried just treating her like a beautiful woman who you love, rather than a sex slave?
A
female
reader, Bubblewrapmyheart +, writes (21 December 2015):
 It is completely normal for anyone to go through up and down stages with their sex drive, medication or not. I took the mini pill for 6 months, and in that time only felt turned on once (and that was the day my fiance came home after being in America for three months) even then it ended in tears. I stopped taking the pill but still, even now three years later, I still go through months of just not wanting it, and I go through months of wanting it constantly! She might just be going through this herself.Funny that you mention the Dom/sub relationship, as me and my partner also are, loosely involved in this lifestyle. I go through periods of just not wanting to be treated that way but as I see my fiance as my superior in the bedroom, I find it really hard to communicate that. As you probably know, after care and communication are massively important in a relationship like that, if she feels she cannot talk to you she may feel like her feelings will be disregarded, or she might be blurring the lines between the bedroom relationship and the real relationship. Especially if those two are now mixing now that you live together. Try setting some clear boundaries between the two relationships and personalities. Only some people are comfortable with living that lifestyle all the time. I know I like to limit it to our sex life.To help curb your feelings, try a sex blog on tumblr. Both me and my fiance have one and I find it helps boost my sex drive when it's low and it keeps him happy if he's not getting enough from me!I hope I've helped!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHer meds have lowering of sex drive as a side effect- although it can take quite some time- we normally are able to get her to orgasm.
As for fantasy and role play- we have no issues there- we are a Dom/sub BDSM couple- but she isn't showing her usual signs of sub drop could this be a new sign perhaps?
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (20 December 2015):
First, determine if any meds she's taking really does have an effect on her sex drive. Just Google each med and add "side effects" to the search. If there are such side effects, do some additional research to determine whether there are substitute meds without the sexual side effect.If you don't find anything about sexual side effects in your search, there is something she is not sharing with you and it is time to open up communication, which appears to be difficult for her. Assuming it isn't the meds, for some reason she isn't enjoying sex. Perhaps she wants more foreplay or has fantasies she'd like to explore. Has she had a hard time achieving orgasms? If so, work in that direction. Make sure she orgasms, not just you. Make sure your hygiene is top notch...no body odor, breath odor or stuff like that. There are any number of things that could be causing her not to enjoy sex. If she's not talking, it is up to you to figure them out. Good luck!
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