A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend tells me that she has changed her attitude towards guys and how she behaves with them now that she is with me. But this has only just happened 4 weeks ago, and we have been together for over 7 months. The only problem is: There have been three times that i know of from her when she has done something completely unacceptable. Two of which were 4 months into our relationship and both on the same night, and the other which was a few weeks into our relationship she only told me about 3 weeks ago when she wanted to start a "clean slate". I had also seen proof of unsuitable conversations, texts and messages that i have seen between her and other guys during the early/mid relationship stage.This is her first relationship and i cant see what i did to deserve it, i've thought about it and put it all down to immaturity, drunkenness, inexperience and being used to being single. But i still cant help but think, if i meant as much to her as she says did - and our fairytale "getting together" period, then surely she would have valued me/us more. She said she looked for a feeling of "being wanted" by guys as she always has, but not only guys. They turned out to be her actual "friends". The only thing is, i gave her all of that and more! To the stage where i felt i should tone it down!She has told me that she has changed after we both had a heart2heart about how she is and how she needs to change, i saw her face and how upset she was that night and i believe her. My main problem is that it has knocked my trust with her somewhat, i cant help but think back to when she did all of that, and how long i was lied to about it all. I would have walked away at the first sign of trouble, especially after a very bad relationship with an ex who treated me very badly. But i cant get her out of my head literally every second of the day and i truly want to spend the rest of my life with her, we are perfect for each other and she tells me that. We are so natural and get on so well and we have so many good things going for us. I would do anything for her and i gave her a second chance. Things have improved so much and there have already been occasions when she's gone out and has proved to herself and me that she isnt like that anymore. I feel safe. I feel stronger in myself and more importantly as a couple. But this shield has come up that i have had for years because im scared of being hurt, and the fact that she did all of that to me broke my heart. I dont want to detach myself from her emotionally because of all of this and become defensive, but i dont know how long i am meant to go on like this? A few weeks are amazing, and then there will be a few occasions where a guy will bug her for example or something will come up to remind me of the past and i will feel so angry at her and sad. I dont know how to consistently be?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2010): i really dont have an answer for you. If she did these things during your relationship, well its going to be hard to put it behind you.
If you think she is serious about change...and is faithful to you now then i think you need to work on your feelings. You are perfectly normal to feel this way, but there is a way to overcome those feelings.
If you dont trust her, and dont think she is going to be faithful to you, then its time for you to move on. However if you think there is a chance for you two, try reading this thread. It may not exactly fit your circumstance but it has some good advice that applies to how to deal with your partners past.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html
good luck, mal
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