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female
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anonymous
writes: we have separated after 10 years and one child and i still don't really know why???i found out last year that my husband had kissed an old friend of mine whilst very drunk! i felt betrayed but would have given him the benefit of the doubt as he had had a bad time and is very insecure in general. He started off being devastated about me leaving and ending our relationship . he seemed genuinely sorry and scared. but didn't give me time and seemed very annoyed that i didn't go back to normal. he was very hard to talk to and defensive. then came the bombshell 6 weeks later that he thought we shouldn't carry on and that "things would never be the same". we got through xmas and then went to counselling which he said helped then said he couldn't do it - too hard! he continued to be very up and down and one minute said he couldn't live without me the next saying he wanted to leave!!! i was committed to our relationship and said i would help him but he had to seek counselling for his insecurity issues. he was adopted young and then disowned by his adoptive family. he went to counselling and lied?! eventually i left and took my son 6 months later for my own sanity. he then seemed to act one minute as though he didn't care and then seem extremely unhappy as though he wanted me to come back. he has admitted at being shocked that i left and then when i did that i would come back. i have tried talking, crying, shouting, absolutely everything to get him to talk but he has never really said why he gave up so easily? he has since acted very selfishly and out of character and when he is angry he says one thing and then sometimes lets his guard down and tells me now (7 months after i left) that it was a mistake but because of all the stuff that has happened since i left he can't go back?? he has said that he still loves me and always will but if i push him as to why he can't go back he gets defensive again. we seem to go around in circles. he has been seeing someone else for 3 months and again confuses me by saying that he isn't bothered and then that he "loves her"?. he has no family except mine whom he has alienated by his behaviour and very few friends. he says he didn't get what he wanted and that his life with me was better. Please help me ???
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust wanted to say a big thankyou to d4u04 for taking the time to read my story and leave a message/advice for me. i think that you are soooo right and that i have to have contact to a minimum and not feel under pressure from him. he can continue to go around in cirles on his own!! i have myself and my son to deal with first.
thanks again - take care - x
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male
reader, d4u04  +, writes (27 November 2006):
 First of all, you are not to blame for any of this, just to clarify.
It really is all him I'm afraid and I don't think on purpose either, he just sounds like a very confused individual who needs time on his own to sort his head out and one-on-one time with a counceller or psychologist to get to the root of why he acts like he does.
All you can do sweetheart is give him a nudge in the right direction such as suggesting the above ideas, people can help him to seek help if they wish but ultimately he has to figure out and accept on his own that he needs professional help.
I'm not saying cut off all contact with him because of course you have a child together but make it perfectly clear to him that he can't have you while he a) is so confused about what he really wants anyway, b) while he still has a girlfriend or other partners & c) it would be too much hassle and confusion for your child to see his father toing and froing from pillar to post with regards to who he wants to be with, and while he makes up his mind, seeing that people are getting hung up on that fact and not moving on adequately. Sort of like a stand-still situation with you go round in circles.
Good luck sugar and I hope it all works out x
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A
male
reader, d4u04 +, writes (27 November 2006):
First of all, you are not to blame for any of this, just to clarify.
It really is all him I'm afraid and I don't think on purpose either, he just sounds like a very confused individual who needs time on his own to sort his head out and one-on-one time with a counceller or psychologist to get to the root of why he acts like he does.
All you can do sweetheart is give him a nudge in the right direction such as suggesting the above ideas, people can help him to seek help if they wish but ultimately he has to figure out and accept on his own that he needs professional help.
I'm not saying cut off all contact with him because of course you have a child together but make it perfectly clear to him that he can't have you while he a) is so confused about what he really wants anyway, b) while he still has a girlfriend or other partners & c) it would be too much hassle and confusion for your child to see his father toing and froing from pillar to post with regards to who he wants to be with, and while he makes up his mind, seeing that people are getting hung up on that fact and not moving on adequately. Sort of like a stand-still situation with you go round in circles.
Good luck sugar and I hope it all works out x
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