A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 38. I have been married for 14 years together 17. I have 3 children. I love my husband, I care for him but I'm not in love with him like I should be. I feel no attraction to him, have no desire and cannot give him affection. He is a good husband, provider and great father. Over the years we have had differing views and he has been verbally abusive to me when he has drunk alcohol and occasionally when he has not, which he always apologised for the next day. He also always made negative comments about what I did around the house and my hobbies and my family. He works long hours which I'm not complaining about because he has provided our family with so much but it means I have lived most of our married life alone and have pretty much raised our kids during the week on my own. I feel alone and am lonely. We do not go out together, we go out separately with friends. I feel that we have grown apart and that there is a connection seriously missing in our relationship. The problem is I am an affectionate person and long to be affectionate and passionate with someone but know I cannot be with him because I can't fake my feelings. I have told him I'm not happy and we have spoken openly about it. This happened about 6 months ago. At first he took it really hard and has made an effort to stop all the negative comments and not complain about small things like he use to. I appreciate this but it has not changed how I feel. I feel like I am getting older and if I stay I'm going to look back and regret not having that emotional connection with someone. Has anyone else felt like this and left. I'm interested to hear stories of people who came out the other side and if they were happier. I want to leave but am scared to take the first step.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): Thank you for your responses. I know I do need to give it my all and try and see if my feelings can change but in my heart i know I have felt this way for years. I even think back to when we got engaged I was 23, I knew back then that he probably wasn't the one but I did love him, he was really nice. All my friends were getting married and I got swept along the path of things that society says you should do, not what was true to my heart. Young and naive I know. Fast forward years later, always knowing something was missing, I have no affection for him. I know it crushes him not to receive it and it also crushes me not to be able to give it. I think he would be happier with someone who could give him that as he is emotionally a very sooky, needy guy. If I leave I know I may never meet someone, I am older and its harder to meet people but I also think if I don't at least try I will live a life of regret. I'm hoping that being honest with him, we can work through it together one way or the other. Thanks again
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): I know exactly what you are going through. I was with my ex-husband for 7 years and we have two kids together. We grew apart in our marriage, just changed. I care about him but fell out of love with him. There was nothing that we could have do to salvage us. We were basically friends living in the same house with kids together.After a year of figuring out to do, I decided to leave him. We got a mutual divorce and I have my children. He has weekends with them and is a great and loving father.This was the smartest and best thing I could have ever done for myself and my kids. I am so happy now and have found the love of my life! He moved in with us and we have been together for almost two years now :)) He has two kids as well and is divorced. Don't be afraid! Life is way to short to be unhappy. It takes some time to adjust, but that's okay. Be strong and it sounds like you need to concentrate on your well being now. :) Best of luck to you!!
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A
female
reader, malvern  +, writes (21 March 2013):
 I've been in your situation and my marriage broke up after about 17yrs when I was 46. Life is not wonderful as a single woman but it does have it moments. You long for affection and passion but there is no guarantee you're going to get it. There isn't a lot of choice out there and I know loads of single attractive women who have just given up on the idea of ever meeting anybody nice. Fortunately I have finally met somebody suitable but it's taken 14yrs of failed relationships. So bear this in mind.Secondly, you become something of an outcast as a single woman and all your married friends will drop you ... yes, this really does happen! You're suddenly the spare woman that all the other women don't want incase you tempt their husbands away from them! As if! Unbelievable but true!You also venture into a world of singles who have all kinds of baggage, ex wives, interfering ex girlfriends, alcoholics, problem children, scrooges (most of them are scrooges actually)etc.etc .... it's just not the same as when you were younger. So, what I'm saying is, think really carefully about what you've got. Try, if you can, to do things with your husband and find some sort of common interest like walking, a hobby, going to the pictures etc. etc. and make it a regular event. Try to repair what you've got before making any drastic decisions.In some ways I've come out on the other side but I still don't live with my partner due to each of us having family still at home, so not perfect. Actually you get very used to having your own space and most women I know are now quite happy to be alone. I hope this helps you.
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A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (20 March 2013):
The effort you want to put into leaving you should put into the relationship. A relationship is a living thing - it needs to be nurtured to live. You need to try to breathe some life back into it. Giving up is too easy.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 March 2013):
 Before you throw in the towel it sounds to me like you guys just need to reconnect and figure out if it's salvageable
If he's still abusive then I would not bother.
I can't think of the books and therapies that are consistently used to help couples reconnect but I am sure a qualified therapist can and will assist.
I think that BEFORE you throw in the towel (and I get it truly I do and don't think divorce is a bad thing in many cases) you and your husband should consider some heavy duty marital counseling to see if it's even worth the effort.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): I'd try working harder on reconnecting before deciding to leave. Have you tried counseling?if that doesnt work, then yeah i'd probably leave. I stayed in my marriage way too long. i wish I had left about 6 years earlier
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