A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am unsure what to do! I have been in love with the same man for 16 years since we were kids. Since our child was born 7 years ago we have not really had a proper relationship he has had a few other relationships none of which have lasted more than a few weeks my response to these are normaly I rant and rave and get very upset. I have found out that he is once again seeing someone else I feel a bit let down as last week we were playing happy families and he was making arrangements to come on holiday with us . I am tired of it all and fed up with him making me believe that a family life is what he wants then he meets someone without a thought about me . He says he does not want to hurt me and that he loves me but cant or wont explain why he behaves this way . I am fed up and have been there for him for the last 16 years . He says that him seeing someone wont change anything but it has already he never showed up to see his daughter yesterday because he had been drinking with the new woman the night before and was suffering . I know that if I remove myself (not my daughter) It will be easier on me but I will risk loosing my oldest and best friend is it a risk worth taking or am I being silly should I just carry on as normal?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2009): I think you need to let go. You are wasting a lot of time waiting around for him to change his mind. You say he's done this more than once so what makes you think this time will be different? It's unfair on you because he's giving you empty promises, and even more unfair on your daughter because if he's always in and out of the house, one minute seeing you together and next you two fighting, she will wonder what's going on between her parents.
I think you should tell him this, and if/when you do, you have to mean it. You could tell him that you're happy (even if you're not) for him to date but you are not waiting around, and that you need to move on and find someone who treats you right. Also he needs to know that his relationships with other women can't get in between him seeing his daughter regularly, so both of you should make a plan and stick to it.
Other than arranging times etc for him to see your daughter, try to minimise contact with him, and now and then get him or a family member to look after her so you can have a bit of Me Time and focus on yourself and do the things you enjoy, whether that be having a relaxing night in or a night out with friends. Good luck!
A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (13 September 2009):
 I can see this must be a very hard situation for you, particulary since you have a child together. You have to detach those heart-strings as this man is never going to give you the 'happy ever after' story you are seeking. In fact by focusing on him then you miss opportunities to find someone who will treat you good and be the best friend you need. This man may have a history with you but he obviously likes dating other women. You are allowing him to treat you badly in the hope that one day he will come to his senses and be a happy family. It is not going to happen and your daughter will grow up thinking this is ok and perpetuate the cycle of dysfunctional relationships if you carry on this way. Of course he has the right to see his daughter, but he has no right to your affections left dangling as they are - you are not his doormat to be trodden on when he feels like. His actions speak louder than words - he dates other women regardless of what he says to you about wanting to be a family. He isn't even prioritising his daughter from the sounds of things and it is time to lose those sad feelings - replace them with anger towards him for behaving badly. You need to get tough with this man for the sake of your own sanity and for the sake of your girl. Stop being available to him when he would like and start making child access a business-like arrangement where he picks her up, goes away from your home and returns her as planned. Do not think he is your friend because he isn't treating you right - friends do not behave so selfishly.
Use that free-time to build your own self confidence and get out and about in your community. I am not suggesting you drag yourself around singles bars but meeting other men won't happen while you focus your attention on someone who is just not worthy!
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