A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband never has time for me but always for his friends, going out, drinking, weekends away with friends etc.We have been together for 3.5 years, have been married nearly a year, have a 2 yo and next baby on the way. I feel he still has his "single" life (which he admits he must have in terms of freedom) yet always kicks up a fuss if I want him to look after our child for a couple of hours. I feel trapped, also being a house-wife which is a nice term for doing everything for my husband - all the cleaning (he just drops things everything and expects them to be picked up and put away), cooking, food shopping, washing, ironing, paperwork and looking after our child full time. He holds all the cards, we live in "his " house, it is in his name and he will not change it over to joint names. We are looking to move to a bigger house but because I will not be putting in anything "financially" (because I am too busy looking afer OUR children), he has made it clear my name won't appear on any of the documentation, just his. I do have my own house but only for a single person, not for children. I had alot of control before, my own house, money, good job/income etc, now I feel I am beholden to him because of the impact having children and being a full-time Mum for now. I know I could have child-care (if he is prepared to pay for it) but having waited years for children, also don't see why I should work just for my own feelings of security just in case....... and miss out on my children growing up before they go to school.On top of this, he is never interested in sex anymore, only after he has fathered our first child. It is a constant issue between us which he now refuses to answer. I even got him a sex book to hope it would spark positive action but he hasn't even looked at it - still flung on the floor amongst his clothes.We sleep separately, whenever I get emotional he walks away from me, never comforts me etc. When I ask him why not he says it is because I am cross with him so no point making it worse. I feel I can never have an adult conversation with him, he calls me Mum instead of my name, even when we are in bed together. I masturbate next to him, he just turns his back on me and goes to sleep (and yes, he is asleep not pretending). When I ask him if he is happy with his life he genuinely looks at me and says is he and yes, I believe him - he is totally happy with the way we live "together" because he gets everything he wants - his freedom, a clean house/clothes/meals and a family to play with. Not having sex or intimacy really doesn't bother him, I can see that. No amount of trying to talk to him, write to him (he just leaves the letters hanging around for anyone to see) or suggesting we have an issue and perhaps Relate could help, makes a scrap of difference to him.Whereas for me, being intimate with the person I have married means everything to me. I need it, I need to feel loved, wanted, cherished, a woman. I feel so angry that he treats me like this, that I lay awake at night in my bed crying yet he just isn't bothered, he just goes to sleep with no conscience that he has upset me and when he sees me upset, just walks away anyway. I feel like a single woman looking for love yet living the married life, with no perks apart from the love of my child which is the only thing that keeps me going.I have always been a loving caring person, yet now I feel filled with anger towards my husband - I just want to hurt him as much as he is hurting me. I know I felt like this before we got married so it is my own fault for getting married etc but I guess I hoped it would get better - it didn't, even on our wedding night he was too tired to have sex with me, again this just angers me more and more that he thinks he is so special he can do what he wants yet treat me in this way. He is 10 years older than me and I feel robbed of the youth I still have in me.My question after all this - am I deluding myself that he is going to be a loving partner and see my point of view even though he will never have a conversation with me?Is it clear to you that this man clearly doesn't love me or care about how I feel? I ask this as I am too close to even notice any more.What on earth can I do to turn the situation around?Or is it just the case of saying "this man doesn't love you, you are just being convenient for him and providing a family for him and time for me to look out for myself?Has anyone else felt/experienced a similar situation to mine and what happened/action did you take?I would appreciate any comments/advice you are happy to share - thank you.
View related questions:
money, spark, trapped, wedding, wedding night Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who wrote back and for all your advice - it all makes sense when you see it written down!
Ask oldersister hit home in a good way although I am not sure how I would find the sexual satisfaction outside of my marriage discreetly - where would I start looking? Your advice on enjoying my children has really spurred me on to enjoy every minute of them and get myself prepared for when they older to leave if the situation doesn't change (which I doubt very much anyway). Despite giving my husband the cold shoulder and chosing to sleep away from him, he is still oblivious in his happy world, doing his own thing etc - it seems unbelievable that someone can be so blind, I guess that is what really really gets to me. Despite telling him this, it never makes any change so yes, you are totally right, eveyone who wrote, that it is me that needs to change and take control for just me and my children - not how I invisaged marriage but I guess you can't create perfection how ever hard you try.
Thanks to you all xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): You have done all you can and more. Accept that you cannot give any more and that you should, from now on, only give to yourself and your children. Your 'husband' gets nothing - not a scrap of your interest, time or conversation. He needs an absolutely clear signal that you are no longer bothered about his life. Keep the house clean etc for your own benefit and that of your children. Start this empowering process tonight and continue. As you do you will find external sources of happiness. I would get out when you have the confidence to leave. The tricky part will be finding that confidence. I urge you to read a book 'Women who love too much' because believe me.... it shouldn't be this difficult. Take care of yourself. Just think how much love you can give a guy who will love you back.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): Hi,
Sorry to hear about your troubles, but I have to agree with the other posters, either throw him out and lean on family and freinds for support and help with your children or get a man on the side and a good babysitter and start enjoying life again! This man is never going change, you really haven't given him reason to, you're being quite submissive! YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh and P.S i'm very skeptical about your theory that your husband doesn't want sex anymore, I doubt that very much; he's probaly getting it from someone else, its very possible he's cheating on you! When have you ever heard of a man not wanting sex, yes i'm aware that there are men out there like this, but from how you describe your freedom loving party husband I dobut he's one of them!
Good Luck,
How it works out
...............................
A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (27 June 2008):
 Hi,
1st thing, You are letting him treat you like a doormat, so what do you expect?
I cant understand why you had another child with him when you knew what he was like anyway.
I really do feel for you, but we can sometimes be our own worst enemy's cant we. This guy is never going to listen or take you seriously, unless you take drastic action. Its up to you if you leave him or you throw him out. I had to leave a man just like this, but there where no young children involved, so it was a little easier.
The fact is that you are married, and he has children with you. So it doesnt matter if the house is in his name or not, you are still entitled to part of it. And dont let him tell you otherwise.
Be strong and tell him that if he doesnt buck his idea's up, that will be the end of it. Dont bother begging him for affection or sex, show him the cold shoulder he has been showing you. Let him know what it feels like to be vunerable and un-loved.
To my mind he needs a boot where the sun doesnt shine. YOU my darling need to get your act to-gether and have the foot in that boot.
XXX
...............................
|
