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female
,
anonymous
writes: I am totally in to this guy I go to school with. We have been friends for about a year and have always joked and teased each other. Well a couple months ago we started talking and realized there was a mutual sexual attraction and acted on it. We messed around one night and agreed it was nothing serious. We haven't messed around since but the problem is I am started to have feelings for him. I like him soo much and can't figure out if it is mutual. He is always teasing me and aggervating me and constantly putting down guys I like or think are hot. I am scared to just blatantly ask him if he likes me because I like him. Does anyone else have a more subtle approach to find out?
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (27 October 2005):
 I just answered a question posed by a broken heated gal who hoped for the best and got the worst. You may want to go through the archives and see how things can turn out when we are not totally honest with our selves and with the opposite sex.
Now to your question, You both agreed to have sex and call it nothing. You can do that? I never have met a girl who when pressed (and not judged at least not by me, been there . . . ) has had to admit that she was a little bit into the guy even when she said no big deal to a hook up.
Unfortunately, guys don't get us, heck we don't even get ourselves until at least the 30's. But they do still judge us as either girlfriend material or sex material. It is easy to get into the use for sex column. much harder to get into the respected possible gf column.
The problem is we think guys think like us but don't realize it. Nothing is less true. We internalize sex. They externalize it as if it were an exercise. They want variety or at least a challenge (someone to conquer, not who goes down on them if they ask.) Why, because they are a kind of being that becomes in love over time and with verifiable facts. If you sleep with them easily and tell him sex means nothing to you, he believes it. Unfortunately, they also want to feel loved and special. So that alone can banish you to the non-gf column. Usually...
You have proven to be one of the girls who is easy to bed and therefor can be a part of his call girl list for if he gets lonely. Remember, more than 3 billion people one this planet have privates just like yours. It is only if YOU make it special that it becomes so.
It very well could be too late. But you do have a few options to try to reverse the fate. It is very risky but here is what I would do to save face and let the truth come out.
Flirt away and if it gets too heated, tell him you have to stop. Then say that you have to confess that last time, you were attracted (nothing wrong with that after all, just makes you a bit vulnerable but men like that- just don't get desperate sounding. Sound like you know yourself better and need to be stronger.) Say that you thought that you could do that (whatever messed around means from kissing-to-sex none of it means "nothing" to you) but now realize that you need to be more careful. Tell him that it is not too late to salvage just a friendship and you could go back to those feelings but that it is up to him because he is now the one who decides.
The reason this is hope is that he then is in charge and that appeals to his macho side. If he isn't into you, you smile and say that you are glad you had the talk and force yourself to ack as cool as possible whenever you see him. One or two times later, and he will thank you for it.
If you don't end up together, he will eventually be a good friend if you play it right. It really is tough but just lay it out there and be honest with your self first and others while your at it. Decided what qualities you want in a guy and don't let the latest guy you have feelings for be "good enough". Make them work for it and your future can be everything you hope for (ah or at least better than what it would have been with no plan.)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2005): You can run you hand down his pants, but you might not be mature enough to pull that off! Seriously, there are a lot of subtle ways to tell a man you want him, but the best way is simply to take him aside at a quiet place, and talk to him. Yes, it takes an amount of courage to go out on a limb and tell someone you really care for them, and want them to be serious about a relationship with you. But, if you continue to avoid it, he may be getting the wrong idea, that you are embarrassed about having had sex with him, and don't want any further relationship with him. Let him know how you feel. The worse that can happen is for what is going on now to continue. I saw a man brought into the hospital where my wife stayed on a guerney, and the nurses told me he was paralyzed from the waist down. His doctor had diagnosed a low back disc problem years ago, and told him the operation would either cure him or leave him paralzyed. He waited until the discs went out so badly that he was already paralyzed, and therefore saw the operation as a chance to regain the use of his legs. Happily, the operation was a success, and he walked out of the hospital weeks later. YOu are sort of like that patient. You have nothing to lose by telling your friend how you feel. I say, go for it.
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