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anonymous
writes:dear agony aunts,right now i am in an amazing relationship with a guy who i love very much. he and i have a near perfect relationship, but occassionally he shows he is still scarred from his ex (they ended about a year ago). i am his best friend and while i will talk to him and comfort him she is a sensitive topic for me as well (we used to be very close and now on horrible terms)how can i comfort him? he has no feelings for her, but he feels as though she wont leave him alone even though they have no contact (she talks about him, tells her friends to stop talking to him, etc)he feels that whatever she does, it's his fault. its eating him up inside. how can i comfort him when all i want to do is yell at him to stop talking about her?i really want to support him, but at the same time it hurts me everytime he brings her up(he knows that but cant help it sometimes).any advice? sorry if this message doesnt make too much sense, but its the best i can do without telling the whole story.thankyou
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2007): By the way you say he has no feelings for this old girlfriend, but it is eating him up inside that she talks about him and won't leave him alone, so yes he does have feelings about her, he still cares what she thinks about him and it hurts him that she is doing and or saying negative things....he needs to get off this track of listening what others say about her and then trying to fix things by talking to you about it, it is not going to make him feel any better or hurt any less, talking about feelings does not make the pain go away, action and doing something else does.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2007): I disagree that this talking all of the time about his ex is good for your relationship and will bring you closer together, it has been a year already and you are annoyed and not feeling to safe in your own relationship, and your boyfriend is still reminded of her every time he looks at you and speaks of her....human beings are creatures of habit and he is in a bad habit of ruminating about this past relationship and you need to help him stop that behavior.
What will bring you closer together is to share joyous moments enjoying shared activities and talking about your goals, hopes and dreams and generally enjoying each others company...if often your encounters with each other are spent in the negative kinds of conversations about her, then more than half of your encounters are negative period I would guess, you need to up the average with positive things and that will make your relationship grow stronger, not re-hashing old new girlfriends.
Good Luck.
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reader, Reebe  +, writes (10 January 2007):
 You are more lucky than you think!
Your guy is talking to you about whats on his mind, and as much as it's annoying and maybe hurtful, he is getting the thoughts and emotions out by talking to you.I think within time - and it might take a while, be paitent- he will stop talking about her and thinking about her so much. Talking about his feelings will only bring you both together more, and within time will bring you 2 closer, if you tell him you don't want to hear about it then he might distance himself from you. I don't tho that this other girl is making things easy for either of you maybe she still has some feelings towards him maybe you could ask someone to speak to her? i wouldn't recommend doing this yourself, you know how these things go. After saying all this do not let your guy wallow in this otherwise she has "won" and will end up causing a rift between you, maybe say something like "I know she annoys you but we need to try and forget about her and concentrate on us" He will in time tho I'm sure stop talking about her just be patient, he's worth it!
Good Luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2007): Hmmm, it sounds like he has some unfinished business with her and as a result some unresolved feelings...
I know you want to support him by listening to him when he talks about her, but after a year I think that is long enough to have her presence in your relationship...I think I would gently tell him that it is probably not doing him any good to keep talking about her, ruminating the same thoughts over in his mind as it just keeps the pain alive.
If he sees her friends and they talk about what she said or what she did or whom she is with, that also keeps her in his life in an unrequited, unhealthy way, and he would do best to instruct these friends and contacts that he does not want to hear another thing about her.
I know it is difficult, but I think that is the way I would handle things.
I am wondering too, since you used to be her close friend if you are not also somewhat of a reminder and trigger for him to think about his ex? I
think this is also the reason that you might do better to stop talking to him about her, enough is enough.
When you want something to change in your life, it often gets down to just changing a set of behaviors, it doesn't always involve figuring out why something is the way it is, it just means making a plan to change and sticking to it.
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