A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am trying to understand why my bf watches porn and would like your insights. We've been together 1 yr, and everything is great:) We have told each other we love each other. I love spending time hanging out with him, we share interests, make each other laugh, are there to support each other, get on well with each other's friends, and can talk about anything. We have our own individual interests, and spend time on these by ourselves, and there are no trust issues. Our sex life is also great...our libidos seem pretty well matched, and we're both very attracted to each other. We kiss and cuddle lots. And we have sex pretty much every time we meet up (2-3 times per week). He's great in bed, and we both communicate about what we like/would like. We've tried various things that he's suggested (he wanted to watch me touching myself, to try tying each other up and teasing each other, me dressing up, he likes it when I go on top, and wanted to try anal sex-I'd never tried it before, but was happy to do so with him). I am a qualified masseuse, so I am also always keen to give him a massage whenever he needs to unwind (not necessarily leading to sex). We have times when we have spontaneous quickies (lots of different places have been tried!) and times when we spend hours pleasuring each other. I try to keep myself in good shape by working out twice a week, and think my bf is gorgeous. We both work full time shifts, and neither of us has any particular financial worries or stresses at the moment. So, what I am struggling to understand is why, despite how good things seem to be, he still needs to use porn?We share a computer, and he's set the internet to delete the history each time the internet is closed down...you wouldn't do that unless you had something to hide, right? Anyway, a few months ago, I was trying to rescue a file from the recycle bin, and found lots of downloaded porn videos (which I have realised he downloads onto a USB). I was shocked, not because I am against him watching porn, but because it made me wonder whether he is using porn because something is lacking in our relationship - is that the reason why men use porn? Because there is something missing in their relationship? If so, I am at a loss as to what more I can give to this guy. I even know that some of the videos were downloaded an hour after we had had sex (I had gone to work) or a couple of hours before we met up with each other for dates, which makes me feel uncomfortable for some reason.So, I guess I'm wondering why a guy, who seems pretty satisfied with all aspects of his relationship, would still need to use porn? And do I need to be worried?Thanks :)
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anal sex, libido, porn, sex life, teasing, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2011): I'm a guy and am wondering the same thing as you. Porn should be more for those who are deprived of the real thing.
However, millions still play "World of Warcraft" even though their real life is doing just fine. Just because someone plays an online fantasy game doesn't mean they are dissatisfied with reality (although some are). So you shouldn't take this as a sign that your guy is dissatisfied with you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2011): nothing to worry about here. Only 90% of men are similar. Talk to him about it though since it bothers you a little.
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A
male
reader, soon567  +, writes (15 August 2011):
I just think you two need to talk. You start by asking him his fantasy with or without you. Go deep and dont be afraid to say that isnt going to happen if you think its freaky. I think its not about not getting enough but hes watching what he cannot tell you off hand.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (14 August 2011):
 This question is posed over and over again in various ways. Here's the answer, Men are visual in their sexual interests, we like to observe others doing what we would like to do but are fearful of rejection if we try it. Plus, and here's the kicker, we are always in awe of those well endowed males that we know will ofer much more pleasure than we think we can. It's that old "size is everything" argument.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 August 2011):
 I watch porn because I am a visual person and I get a reaction. None of the guys are as good as my boyfriend. I still watch it. Time and time I know I will be disappointed again but occasionally there are actors who surprise me. The majority of porn suck but it does the job of getting me wet.
If he downloaded porn sites just after you had sex it could mean he is still horny. You have nothing to worry about. He is very lucky to have you.
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A
female
reader, Ellen_906  +, writes (14 August 2011):
I had the same issue with my ex boyfriend. He had a habit and he wanted the extra excitement. For me it was a deal breaker as he seemed to have such a huge need to satisfy himself no matter what I did for him. I explained how it made him feel and he agreed he wouldnt like me using a big vibrator just after I had sex with him and that it would really get to him. Thing is he didnt want to give it up and he watched a lot. It made things strained between us so I know just where you are coming from
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