A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How do I turn my relationship around?I really need some positive advice right now. My boyfriend and I have a 7 month old son now and have been together for two years. I grew up in a very abusive environment and he grew up on the streets. When we first got together we were both making some poor decisions with our lives and he was stuck in the street life. I put a lot of that to the side until I found out I was pregnant. Once I was pregnant I realized that things had to change for our son, my boyfriend has completely changed his life now, he works all day and night basically. I see him 4 hours a day, if that. He doesn't get off work until very late at night and I feel like we don't know each other any more and like Im just pretending to be happy. I just let it build up inside of me and then I explode and tell him that I want out of the relationship and we just fight and fight and fight. I am very lonely, Im a stay at home mother and I really need some intimacy with him. He has never really been a touchy feely guy, but I really need a connection with him. He is basically watching the television when he is home and doesn't seem to hear me when I talk to him. I don't know what to do, I am always depressed or mad....there is hardly ever any happiness and I want to turn this around before my son is in a split family situation. He says he loves me and wants us to stay together...what should I do?
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (15 December 2012):
 If he has to work a ton to support you, why don't you get a job too to help out? He'd probably be a lot less cranky if he had more free time.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 December 2012):
 A person's needs has a structure and before certain needs are fulfilled he won't be able to channel his energy into something more creative. All he has time for his survival and time to unwind. Right now his energy is so low at home that he does not see intimacy as a reward at night, he sees that as a chore to make you happy. Being a stay at home mom is hard as well and a thankless job. Your boyfriend has been very responsible, he's wonderful compared to other men with similar backgrounds. To show your love to him I am afraid to say it will be to forgo immediate gratification, but to accept his needs for alone time. He sees that working more than 60 hours a week means he has not found a career that works for him and for the family yet. By loving him you stick by him and have faith that in the future he can find a higher paying job. In the meantime you also look for a career and daycare to supplement the family income. Babysit if you have to. In a way you are stuck with each other because you have a child together, but the point is to minimize the feeling of being stuck with each other, like there is no way out. Build what you can with what you have right now. You have the future and hope for the better future. There is no point looking back at your childhood and the mistakes you have done. Be appreciative of what your boyfriend brings to the table. Even if he doesn't show love, the love is showing through his work and coming home every night to you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2012): "what should I do?"
You and boyfriend need counselling, couples and individual. Neither of you had strong, healthy role models growing up so without outside professional third-party intervention you are doomed to visit the traumas of your childhoods upon your son, no matter how well-intentioned you and may be.
Boyfriend and you are not the problems and you are not at fault, you need to understand, come to terms with, and conquer the toxic influences from your past that continue to led you down your previous paths while continuing to motivate and drive your behavior in ways of which you may not consciously be aware.
Best gift you can give your son is for him to grow up completely unaware of his parents' backgrounds.
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