A
female
age
30-35,
*er2791
writes:I have never used a site like this before but I really need clear level headed advice on this, I feel so blocked up I cannot tell what I feel anymore..I am going to try to make this very short.. basically in 2011 I got with my boyfriend, I thought we were kindred spirits, I was so unbelievably happy. In summer 2012, I found him texting other girls, saying they were beautiful, and he was going to "take care of them" and "sexting" them.. I was heart broken. I hold so much to trust and he knows this, it destroyed me. I tried to end it, but he cried and begged, I loved him so much- I forgave him and healed myself. I still wasn't very suspicious of his actions, I still left and went to school- work, I put my trust back in him.. but there was a number that texted him every now and then.. he said he didnt know who it was.. I left it alone.In November 2012, I asked if I could go somewhere with him the next day, he said "I don't know, its my friends birthday and HE might want to do something" -- we were together almost everyday (he was staying at my house)- and I know all of his friends and their birthdays.. I thought that was really weird, so I asked.. "you never told me, who?" and he just stared at me and said a name I never heard before.. and I said "what?" I was really confused, but I seriously wasnt thinking anything suspiciously.. and he said laughed and said "never mind i'm just kidding" -- now this seriously went right over my head, my thought process was "okay, my bf is weird, but thats why I love him." - later that night before we went to bed, he took his phone and was like "i'm going to wish my friend a happy birthday" and in my head I was like.. "I thought he was just kidding?" it was such a long time ago I dont remember what I said, but I left it alone, and we went to sleep.. in the morning when we woke up I looked at his phone to check the time, and it was on airplane mode.. this is where I knew something was up and he was hiding something from me, i asked what the hell he was hiding, (I had to use my intuition and figured he was texting an ex, because he told me once before he dated a Scorpio and November is the month of scorpio) and it took a huge argument until it finally came out.. he was writing to the ex and these were his words "it was just a happy birthday, nothing like "I miss you" no old feelings residing, just casual, keeping in contact because we didnt end on bad terms" - and i respected that, i just told him to just be open with me and talk to me, tell me these things - dont hide it from me. (it didnt even cross my mind that he previously stated "idk my friend might want to meet for his birthday") - he lied about it being a male, and it was like he was going to make plans to see him. It didn't cross me, that is how much trust I put back into him after he hurt me, I wanted to believe him.. I still never got over the fact, this was the 2nd time he lied.. he's trained me to think a certain way and its not fair, it's like everything means something. I feel like i'm a spy and i have to figure everything out on my own.so in December, I saw that number again! I asked him why does that number keep texting him? he said he didnt know and when I asked him to ask who it was, he said he didnt want to text it back because it could be someone from his past.. I said that was all the more reason to hit them up and tell them to stop and say you're in a relationship now, for almost a year. -- he was like "I dont want them to be like "oh but you were just talking to me the other day" on some crazy shit" I was like "that doesn't even make sense unless you're talking to that person.."I got so mad that I went out for a run to clear my head, I came back and I told him to text the number back and tell them to stop writing to him.. I said you can even be nice and say "please stop texting" I will never forget his face, like I was destroying his world.. he had such a sad face on while he was texting it. I was so upset, I went to shower.. and later that night I just didnt feel right.. when he went to shower, I checked his email because I just had a feeling.. I know its so fucked up but I was so tired of being lied to.. I just wanted to know what was going on, and low and behold.. he sent an email to the girl saying "don't text me anymore, just emails, please"I couldnt take it anymore, he kept fucking with me, so when he came back from the shower I told him he had to leave.. I was done, again. Long story short, he cried again and was apologetic, and I asked if it was the happy birthday girl, and he said it was.. there were 2 more times I checked his email, and I saw prior to the text that he told this girl he loved her, and i saw that he made plans to try and meet her for her birthday (which I found out before he did).. it turns out this was an ex of his, but he never met her, she was just an online/phone girlfriend... but ever since this happened, I have never been the same..it has been almost 2 years since that happened, and he has not done anything since and I have not checked his phone.. but let me say, this year he completely gave up on himself, he gained over 150 pounds and is really depressed, he doesnt talk to me and he stopped being intimate..I love this kid so much, that I tried to work out with him, and he was so negative. I saw it wasnt working so I got him a physical trainer for christmas which I was willing to pay for, and he didnt want to follow through with it.. I tried so hard to get him to be happy and healthy, I made food lists and told him I just want to help, I tried cooking but he doesnt eat it. Everything I do, it means nothing to him.. I want to be in a happy and healthy relationship with him, but he does not care if he has me or not..so, all this time in my relationship I am wondering how he feels, if I am in the shadow of another woman, if he is still interested in me because his depression is really taking a toll on him.. i want to accept him for everything that he is because I love him.. I want to be stronger than his depression and be there for him and I dont want to give up on him, we have been together for 3 years.. I have tried so hard and been through so much.. am I just stupid?so.. this is where we leave off today-- We got into a really bad fight the other day because I was trying to tell him how I felt and he was ignoring me and giving me replies like "mm" I was getting so hurt, I left and his mom let me stay in her car, I was in there for 4 hours crying.. when I came back, thinking I gave him space-- he was still in a mood, I was too..so almost a year ago he asked me if he could use my youtube account, so i said fine, i gave him my password and he uses it, whatever. He has been doing this for a while-- When I came back from the car, I went on my phone to google something and in my search that girls name came up in the drop down history.. I was like "wtf I did NOT look up this girl" so I went to my history.. oh my god, it was riddled with porn, and that girls name was searched 3 times. I realized then that since he was apart of my youtube account he is signed into my google account (youtube links them, i dont know why!) we both did not know this, I just guess this time he forgot to clear the history.. I started shaking, I couldnt believe it.. I could not believe I saw this girls name, AGAIN. 2 YEARS LATER and after we fought!! I cannot take this anymore, I wanted so bad for him to talk to me and show me something, and show me that he loves me, he doesnt communicate with me-- it was so bad I had to leave, he never even texted me to make sure I was okay when I left, or call me.. he never even cared enough to wonder or think about me, instead after we fought he googled porn and this girls name.. I have no idea where I stand in his life..so I told him I saw it, he called me shady and I was like, "I had no idea I could see all of this stuff, if it makes you feel any better, you had access to my email account!" (not like anything was there, i had nothing to hide) - I told him I wanted to break up.. I was done and I hated him.. he had a complete break down and even told me while I was gone he tried to kill himself.. he was hysterical saying he knows he doesnt treat me right but hes sick in the head and he wants to be better but hes so far down he doesnt know how to be better....this happened last week, I am still with him.. but I am in very bad spirits. I am not okay, and i dont know what to do..also, I was thinking, I was very hurt by the porn too, even though it wasnt as bad as the girls name.. I couldnt believe the kind of things this kid looked up.. "baddest females" "huge ass and tits" like, it was bad.. and I will be honest with you - I know we are all human, and to be honest, porn is great.. you should see my tumblr, we're all human.. but I never once replaced porn with him..I am really attracted to my boyfriend, even with his weight gain.. I love him so much, and I want him.. but we have not had sex in months.. I try to tell him I want him, I tried to be sexy, I tried to make him touch me, and kiss him, he does NOT want to.. he says "stop babe" or "stop, you're just going to get mad" and he literally pushes me away, he even sucks his teeth sometimes, I feel SO unwanted.. I just went off with what he told me, that he is self conscious about his body.. but the fact that he is looking up females, and looking at porn and admiring other women and totally neglecting me makes me feel like he doesnt want me anymore, and maybe its not because of his body-- and then i get the fear, what if he is just with me because he is fat? and I am just some kind of habit or routine to him that he has gotten comfortable with?I still want him because I love him, even if he has gained weight.. I feel like he left me on pause to wait for him to be acceptable by everyone standards for him to want me, (but hes not even trying to lose weight).. how can he not want to touch me if he loves me? all this time he was pushing me away and still looking at girls bodies.. and he doesn't masturbate either, all the times he looked at it I was in the shower, and when I came back there were no signs of anything happening. (he has a towel that *we/he* used to use and its been in the closet in the same spot for months, unmoved. sorry tmi)and then this is where an insecurity hit.. what if he is hiding his true self from me, what if he is some kind of perverted man pig with women and i cannot see it? What if he loses the weight and just goes back to talking to females? What if the porn is his fix?I try to tell myself he looked at porn before he even met me, but he was also talking to girls behind my back and hiding his ex, and lying to me and trying to meet up with her.. who am i to him, really? what if he is just loyal to me and not instigating other women because he is self conscious, not because he sincerely stopped because he loves me? if he doesn’t let me see him, why would he let someone else? he doesnt even want to go out in public, why would he try to see or be intimate with someone else?I dont understand what is wrong with me, I have big boobs, you know? I have a nice body.. why is he never satisfied with me? why am I never enough? I also want to mention he cheated on this online gf, he was with girls and even was talking with me before we started dating.. in the beginning when I asked him why was he talking to girls when he was with me he said “bad habits, because of the circumstances with the online girl, no one knew one another” - basically telling me he could get away with shit because how could anyone find out?.. I like to think he has grown since then, but I am starting to think its just hidden because I am around him so much and him not having the resources or the time, and also him being fat.I try to be level headed, but I cant tell if I am being a suspicious gf like he says I am or not.. like, do you think the porn is a big deal? Do you think its just harmless porn? Or he has some kind of sick perverted complex? Do you think its satisfying his perversion for females since he cannot act on anything because he is heavy now? Or he is just being a guy? I want him to come back to me if he loses the weight, but I am scared everyone will matter again.. I cant tell if I am seeing red flags or making things up in my head.. and just being suspicious like he says I am.. I am scared I dont satisfy him anymore, or he doesnt see a point in trying to be close to me other wise he would be trying to lose weight.. but depression is a killer, I know that.. I can't tell if he is sad, or uninterested in me.. for everything that he has ever looked up porn wise, he should show some interest in me??oh now he keeps his phone on incognito in safari, like he has something to hide.. i hope its just for the porn, I am scared he might join a dating site or try and talk to the girl through google or keep looking her up and now I will never know..he said he looked up her name because he wanted to see if I was checking his phone or because I am suspicious, but i think that is a load of shit, (how long ago was that? he is still on be being suspicious? he is the one that keeps bringing me back there, I never looked for it, it was just there!) and given how many times he lied to me and given the fact that he now keeps it incognito, like he is trying to hide and cover his mistake.. does that even sound like a legit excuse?am i a bad girlfriend? have i not given him space and the benefit of the doubt and enough chances? do I seem like I am an annoying and suspicious gf? am I wrong at all? what am I doing wrong? is this abusive? what about this girl, is it normal to google an ex, but with these circumstances and red flags? its been so long, why is she still here in my life?does this porn sound healthy? or does it sound like he has some kind of complex? does it just seem unhealthy to me because he looks it up so often and pushes me away? but its not his fault because he is unhappy? am I just being selfish in wanting him to want me and touch me and be with me, when he is hurting? (but didnt I try to help? and give resources to help?) everyday I try to push him to be better, I even said seek professional help.. I just don't know if its me, or him.. or what, I am so confused...does it sound like he is some kind of pervert? that he could revert back to that if he feels comfortable with himself?how could he google her name after we fight though, I mean.. honestly, what is that? he didnt look for me, he reverted back to her, does he sound like he is hiding his true self? I want to cry, we had such a beautiful relationship and its just.. gone.. what would you do? what should I do? am I wrong? did I do something wrong???
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boobs, christmas, depressed, his ex, lose weight, porn, talking to girls, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2014): Ok wow this was at least five paragraphs longer than it should have been and normally I don't have a problem tackling long posts. I'm going to keep this short and sharp in contrast to your post- you're not happy so leave him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2014): This is craziness. I was with a man for years who was in love with another woman. He promised time and time again that he wouldn't contact her anymore as it upset me so much but he always did and I always found out. I was living in the shadow of another woman. This went on for about 8 years and bizarrely yesterday when I saw him for lunch after not seeing him for a year when I mentioned her in passing he went bright red and looked so so guilty. Our relationship ended because he could not be honest and admit to me that all along he had really wanted to be with her and not me and I honestly could not take it anymore. I do not miss the man now and see him very occasionally but seeing him yesterday still blsuh over this woman years later makes me know that I am right not to be with him. She was nothing special but she had something I didn't have and deep down he always wanted her. I know how you feel and I really would get rid of him as he will still be texting and emailing behind your back and it is just going to make you completely paranoid and on edge. Any break of trust irrevocably ruins a relationship. This woman is not going to go away so you must cut them both out of your life and find someone just for you who is trustworthy and genuine.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 May 2014):
 Regardless, the length of your submittal..... its contents clearly delineate a "relationship" which doesn't, really, exist.
You have fallen for a guy who cares not a whit about you... and who gives clear evidence, thereof..... Sooooo,
I suggest that you cut short your misery and angst, and find a real "boyfriend" who likes you (notice, I didn't even say "loves" you.... as this character did neither!).
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2014): There is nothing wrong with you, that you have mentioned anyway. And even if there were something major wrong it doesn't justify his cheating which is what he has done whether he is actually involved with any of these women or not. He has a lot of problems. I personally would not put any more time into this. He refused to really discuss this with you when you confronted him on it or get counseling, he accused you of wrong doing and then he kept on. He used your youtube account to cheat, and expects you not to notice this? He is crazy and so not worth it.
Nothing justifies treating you this way. You have done everything you can to remedy the situation and now it is time to give up and take care of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2014): Honestly... I don't mean to be rude but the best advise I can give is rewrite this much much shorter ... I wanted to read and try and give advice but I got half way through and it was unbelievably long and drawn out even after you said you would keep it short . This is way way too long imho
Sure there are several issues and I understand your desire to vent but an articulate straight to the point question is likely to get you more results
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 May 2014):
 I, instead, am usually rather quick with the " dump him, move on " advice, but it's not knee jerk at all , at least in my case. It comes from experience, observation, reflection and rational evaluation, which brought me to the conclusion which no, you don't " fix " people, no matter what you do , you can't change them if they haven't on their own the ovwrwhelming desire to change. You don't conjure up compatibility , affinity and mutual love out of thin air, most of the times either it is there or it is not. And you can't, and you should not , sweat it that much to make a square peg fit into a round hole. Too many relationships are based on expectations, " if onlys "... wishful thinking. Stay with what it is. Be here NOW.
You think, that if he would ditch the 150 extra pounds ( 150 ? that's not normal, has he seen a doctor btw ? ), and if he stopped pining after his ex, and if he gave up watching porn, etc... oh then he would love you and you'd live happily ever after. Guess what, maybe yes maybe not. Most probably not, since in your past history there were dozens of red flags that you have chosen to ignore . But, when is he going to change into this faithful loyal slim energtic happy person he is NOT ? In 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, never ?... what about you , are you going to be miserable and stuck into a relationship were you feel unloved and undesired hoping for the blessed day he sees the light ?... I hope warmly for you that you don't. If he wants to spend his life brooding wanking and overeating, fine, let him- but you have a life too and I believe it could be a healthier , happier life without the extra weight of what you call " love ", i.e. a codependent relationship where you are, actually, his MOM, the carer, the nurturer, the protector- not a beloved and equal companion.
What did you do wrong ? Nothing, intentionally, you meant well, it was out of " love "- a dangerous kind of love that cancels and sufficate the love you owe yourself. You chose to ignore the signs hoping they'd just go away. You caught him in big lies, actually you caught him cheating, basically, TWICE before, - he cried, oh poor kid, and you kept him around. You did not say , no thanks, I deserve someone who will love me and will be honest with me, and will want me physically as much as I want him, and, too bad , this is sad, I'll miss you but this person is NOT you.
The more you wait, the more you are afraid of letting go of what does NOT work, but you have invested so much time and effort and care into. It's like when you keep putting money into a bad business, because if you stop now you have to admit you failed and screwed up royally , while if you keep pouring money into it, you can still dream about the day when it will all pay back wondrously- no matter what the figures on the books say.
In this you are specular I think- you won't let go out of fear ,- change IS scary. And he won't let go because ( sorry if I sound harsh, but I believe your hypotesis, he is scared too , he is staying because he KNOWS nobody else would take him . Not just because of his weight ( although, I imagine that would be a problem too ), but because most women WANT a loyal companion and would not pit up with someone who's always sniffing around - albeit virtually - somebody's else panties.
Conclusion : dump him, ditch him etc., and no, it would not be knee jerk or instinctual, it would be a wise , logical, rational decision you'd take in favour of a better life.
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A
female
reader, aer2791 +, writes (23 May 2014):
aer2791 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Grant, it means a lot to me to get a reply.. I am going to think hard on yours. It stung a little to read what you wrote, especially about the security blanket.. most likely because I think you're right...
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (23 May 2014):
 Acknowledging that we only have your side of things, I don't honestly see what you could have done wrong. You really have fallen for him if you are worried that he might look for other girls when he gets his head on straight.
He didn't go in to this intending to be faithful -- maybe physically, but not emotionally. Telling her 'no more texts, just email'? Could it be any more clear that he intended to stay in contact, no matter how you felt? The depression, the weight gain -- those are issues that call for professional help, they aren't going to solve themselves.
It's pretty common for the knee-jerk advice on this site to be "dump him, move on." I usually try to avoid saying that, but in this case? You're not married. You're under 25, you've been putting your heart and soul into the relationship, and for more than a year you've been getting nothing back. It is time to move on. Perhaps that will motivate him to actually get the professional help he needs. Don't let him blackmail you emotionally -- from the behaviour you describe, he doesn't want you for anything more than a security blanket. It's time to take care of yourself.
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