A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I are having a dispute. It seems to have come down to who is "wrong" and who is "right." Here goes...I asked him if he wanted to spend time together last Sunday. I asked him about a week in advance. He agreed. A few days later he remembered he told his friend he would go to his son's Christening. I told him he should go and maybe we could do something after. He said he would try to get out of going all together. A couple days later I asked him if he was going to the Christening and he said he was unsure. I asked him once more on Sat. He said he was unsure. I sent him a text that night saying "I hope we can still do something tomorrow." He didn't respond. Sunday morning I called him twice with no answer so I figured he was asleep. I text him about a restaurant and said "dinner tonight?" Then I said "Or tomorrow, we will probably have more time tomorrow." It was around 1 p.m. at this time and I still needed to go pick up my nephew and take him home and that would take a few hours. He gets back to me around three saying "Yes, lets do dinner." So I say, "tomorrow? in traffic now." No response so I called him and he was upset, he said he cleared his entire day for me and now I am canceling. But, to me I didn't feel we had definite plans because I didn't know if he was going to the Christening or not. He feels I was very inconsiderate and I need to apologize to him for acting like I didn't care he cleared his schedule. I feel if we had definite plans then I could have planned my day better and could have taken my nephew home earlier. If I knew if he was going to the Christening or not, what time the Christening was or even what time he wanted to meet up or if he even still wanted to meet up. All of those things would have helped. He feels the time of the Christening doesn't matter, if he was going doesn't matter because it would have only been for like an hour. I say I didn't know it would have been an hour. I simply felt out of the loop of things. What is your opinion?? What would you guys think in this exact same situation. I mean on both ends?? This argument has blown entirely out of proportion!! The argument was pretty bad. I really need some outside insight. It isn't really about who is right or wrong but I do want us to see things from the other one's shoes. Btw, I have apologized, but he feels it is not sincere. It is hard to apologize for something you think is not your fault.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): Both of you need to use this opportunity to learn how to communicate with each other if you plan on moving forward in the relationship. You are both blowing things out of proportion. You asked, he never confirmed or denied, he cleared his schedule but didn't tell you until half-way through the day even though you mentioned monday would work better for you.
He needs to realize you are not a mind reader, and you don't consider a possible future even 'a plan' unless you two talk it over and it is specificly planned.
Also, christenings are usually longer than just sn hour because there is usually a get-together afterwards for family and friends. Christenings an the celebrations afterwards can take up entire afternoons and evenings.
A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (19 April 2012):
 I tend to think that it's not your fault at all. He did not once give you a definite answer about whether he was going to the christening or not. Now he has no business to accuse you of not caring that he cancelled his plans because he didn't bother to intimate you about his intentions. I don't see why he's creating a fuss about it when he's in the wrong. I don't even see why you should apologise at all. Looks like he has other issues, or else the habit of never admitting that he might be wrong.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (19 April 2012):
You're very welcome. Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): Thank you for your advice! It was great and I will pass on the message to him. It opened my eyes to see things more from his perspective and I hope he can see things from mine. If so, it will be great to come to an agreement to make clearer plans. By the way, you misunderstood me, driving my nephew home was not something told to him. I did not mention it to him because it was simply something I had to do in my day. I planned on doing it before our outing but couldn't plan accordingly because I was not sure if he and I were going out, the time and things of that nature. If I knew, then I would have taking my nephew home much earlier. Thanks again!! You were great.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): It just sounds like a simple break down in communication.
Remember text messages don't always get thru & some times people don't reserve texts till hours or maybe even days later (I've had this happen to me before.)
Why don't yous just agree to call one another if you are wanting to make plans together so no one gets mixed up or angry.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (19 April 2012):
Hi there. It's more a case of not making definite plans between you and him in the first place.
He realized a few days later, that he had previously told his friend he would attend his child's christening. He just forgot about it when he was speaking to you.
So then he found he had double-booked himself.
So saying yes to his friend, was more or less definite.
And that had happened before you had asked about doing something on that same Sunday.
So really his first priority was to go to the christening.
It seems that plans to see each other on that Sunday or the next day, were a suggestion rather than clear plans.
So there were some assumptions made on both parts - yours and his.
You suggested seeing him after the christening or else the next day.
He didn't want to disappoint you, so he decided to NOT go to the christening after all and be with you instead - forgetting the last thing you said in your text message, that you would be driving your nephew back home which would take a few hours, and that tomorrow might be better instead.
He forgot you said that - about driving your nephew back home, and how long it would take.
In hindsight, it probably would have been better for you to ask him if he would prefer to leave it till the next day instead, because he was busy with the christening - and you would be busy driving at the time anyway.
And if you have ever been to a christening yourself, it's not just the religious service and that's it. After the service, everyone usually goes back to the house of the christened child's family for a celebration and gift giving. That usually would be a couple of hours at least.
This is the usual way it happens.
I believe more than anything, that it really was a lack of definite planning.
It was kind of a few suggestions but no precise plans.
So basically, it was a simple misunderstanding.
You assumed he might leave it till the next day.
He assumed you wanted to see him on that day, so he cancelled out altogether to be with you instead.
This can be a valuable lesson to you both, regarding good communication.
A better way for it to have gone could have been this.
You asked him if he is not busy next Sunday, would he like to do something?
And then you say - "Don't answer me now. When you get a chance check your diary, and let me know, and we'll go from there."
That way, he then would have had a chance to check his calendar or diary, seen the christening written there, or else after a day or so remembered - which is what he did do - then let you know he had the christening on, and could you make it the next day, or make some alternative plans.
Do you see how different the outcome would have been?
It would have prevented any argument from occurring, and there would have been NO assumptions made, either. You both would be on the same page.
It's always easier in hindsight, isn't it?
Look really, I believe it comes down to good communication.
Good, clear communication between you.
Yes suggestions are good of course. But in the suggestion process, leave it with him to ponder for a couple of days and then get back to you with an answer.
In other words, don't expect an answer from him right there and then.
Often when something like this happens and an idea is suggested as something to do, the other person simply forgets at that very moment that they had pre-organised some other plans.
We've all done it.
We may realize this as soon as we are off the phone, or a day or so later, or by checking a calender or diary and see it then.
So don't take it personally.
He hasn't done anything wrong, nor have you.
It is purely a lack of clear communication, and that's all.
It's as simple as that.
During the week you could get some ideas about things you would like to do on the weekend, and the next time you speak with him, suggest those ideas and ask him - "What do you think about that?" And see what he says.
Or, you could say - "I have some ideas of places to go and fun stuff to do, what do you think? Do you have any ideas?"
In other words, talk about it.
Don't make casual comments via text messages, which you really can't be sure he will read straight away as soon as you send them.
Bearing in mind, sometimes his mobile may not even be switched on at the time you send the text message.
So there's a delay for him in reading them, for a start.
Any suggestions of places to go and things to do, are much better discussed when you SEE each other, or else the next best thing is during a telephone call.
And in any case, when it's not a rushed phone call and you or him are on your way going somewhere, which would make you somewhat distracted and less open to clear communication.
When you both have plenty of time to talk and listen properly, with undivided attention, is always best.
The next time you do see him or talk on the telephone, it might be a good idea to tell him this, about making definite plans in future - instead of casual suggestions.
There just needs to be much more certainty with your plans.
Suggest something to do - then leave it with him to get back to you with his answer.
We all have busy lives, and it's so easy to forget prior made plans - without properly checking on a diary or calendar.
Don't expect an answer right at that time. Be patient. Give him space to think about it and to see if he is free or not.
Then you will never have a problem of this type again.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2012): My opinion is your boyfriend doesn't want your relationship any longer. Maybe if he gets you angry enough you'll break up with him and that's what he is trying to do. I don't know if he met someone else or is too much of a coward to just end it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2012): I don't tthink u should be apologizing. his the one that said get was going the christening then was unsure. so he didn't l etu know if he was going. so u made other plans. tell hint to either get over it; ire that HIS in the wrong !
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