A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm do down I don't know what to doFor the first time in 8 months my ex friend acknowledged me by saying morning and at a friends party shook my hand The problem was we got close at a bad time - he was splitting with a girl who made him miserable and of course because I got feelings for him inadvertently pressured him and was clingy and emotional I know all the wrong things so he cut me offSo last week was the first acknowledgment he's given me in 8 monthsI don't know what to do I work in the same building but rarely bump into himI can't call or text As they were problems in the beginning I really just wanna be friends againPlease help
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 May 2014):
 I think that what you should do and what you CAN do for once coincide, i.e. there's nothing much you can do other than keeping your cool, being on your best behhaviour, not chasing after him, and being always civil , polite, even smiling if you want - but nothing more .
I guess that , even if this guy wanted to resume the friendship, or flirtation or what it was, he'd be very cautious, he'd think, not unreasonably since the way you have acted up before, that if he gives you a finger , you'll take the whole arm. That's why he is so guarded still around you, ( but less than before ).
The only way you can PERHAPS reassure him that by being a bit more social with you he will not call upon himself another string of overemotional, " stalkey " texts.. is to be persistent, and KEEPING acting normal, civil, calm and collected, without pushing for more. If he has to decide that yours was just, so to speak, only a once off " temporary insanity "- then you have to be patient and give him TIME to see that this was exactly the case , and you are not a threat to his peace of mind and domestic menage.
Speaking of which, my prevision is that, IF he wants to become closer to you again, that won't happen anyway before January. As I told you in another post, pardon me but I do not believe for a sec that his living with the " ex " has nothing to do with your communication break down. If the ex was JUST an ex living there only because of financial constraints, your friend could have flirted and kissed and done more when he wanted with whomever he wanted, without having to tiptoe around the " ex ".
Juanuary is quite a long way from now, and I surely would not advise you to wait till then that this " friendship " can restart. First, you have a crush or feelings or what you call ya still for this guy, I don't know if being " just friends " would work for you, I doubt it, it would bring a lot of longing and yearning etc., you'd never move on. Second, if you really honestly just miss the banter and the laughs etc.,- then you are really blowing this coldness out of proportion, of course it sucks when an office friendship goes sour
, but really, don't tell me you could not find another office pal or more to shoot the breeze with and have a laugh at coffe break etc., it could even be a lady or some ladies as for that, if it's just about laughs and jokes, why has it got to be HIM ?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2014): Thank you for respondingI guess the reason I wanted to 'fix' it was after everything that happenedI took full responsibility for the blame when in reality it was not all my faultWe were good friends and at the time when he was chasing me that's when I 'fell' for him but as his mess with this girl is not fully resolved as in all mutual friends know she's causing him major stress because he still had to stay there due to financial reasons until January because of a tied in mortgage thing and were all aware he can't move out because he took a salary drop'So confused' you are very wise I hope you don't think badly of meI'm just devastated as I've lost a good friend yes I had feelings but more importantly was his friendshipDo you think if I back off and just act normal there is a chanceI really appreciate your response
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 May 2014):
 Because he does not wish it. That alone is enough of a reason.
and because YOU want it SO BADLY it's not a good idea.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2014): Please explain why not possible ? ;(
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 May 2014):
I would NOT hold my breath that you can go back to having that kind of friendship...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2014): Genuinely I miss him as a friend
I want to laugh and joke like we used to
I'm giving him a wide berth as you guys advised
What else can I do
Can we get the friendship back ?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 May 2014):
You need to let this idea that you two can be friends go.
He's making great progress by being CIVIL... and I think that's all you are going to be able to hope for.
I'm sure you think all you want is to be friends but I think you deep down inside care more than that and want more than that... and you are lying to yourself that you want to be "friends"
why can't you accept being civil and let it go at that?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2014): I think I remember you posting about this last week.
I agree with wise-owl. If you really only want to be friends, you'll just have to be polite and civil when you so see him and let him set the tone and the pace of the friendship.
However, I think you still have feelings for him and are hoping to rekindle things you had (or nearly had). Since this caused problems for you both before, I don't think he'll want things to go beyond being civil.
Personally, I would leave things be, no matter how painful it is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2014): If you only want to be friends with no hidden-strings attached, I say let him lead the way. You have to get a grip on things; and if you initiate communication, he may assume you're in hot-pursuit.
Personally, when people cut me off; I take that to mean they're done with me. I have a low tolerance for hot and cold treatment. Either we're friends, or we're not. I'm always polite and friendly; but I don't push it when people distance themselves. I have too many friends to be worried about one who teeter-totters about how they feel about me.
I'm self-validated, and rejection doesn't reduce me to pleading for approval or acceptance from anyone else.
Let him warm up to you again. Behave yourself, and keep your romantic feelings in-check. If you can't control your attraction to him; don't "pretend" to be a friend. Move on.
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