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female
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*ecksta
writes: What do i do? I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year now and this is the second time around for us with a 5 year break in between. He is a lovely person and gets on with everyone but when we argue he turns nasty. I have to say that it has not been good for over half the time, we argue and he always gets so worked up and ends up breaking up with me. After 8 months of this i decided him breaking up with me on my birthday was the last straw. After two weeks of me being strong he begged for a second chance and i gave it to him. In that time he was told he was depressed and got antidepressants prescribed. He said he can now see what he was doing (swearing, calling me names and getting very angry)and is so sorry for it. It has now been 3 months since we got back together and its started again. He yelled at me in the supermarket for asking him the same question 4/5 times(i was just mucking around but he thought i was trying to annoy him). I was so embarrassed and didn't say anything. Then he tells me he hates me sooking all the time...which i only do because if i say things i feel im saying the wrong thing. I do love him but feel he's got a lot of problems(ex girlfriend with their child/work/money etc.) and is relying on me to help him with everything.He even got upset because i wasn't there to look after him when he was sick for a couple of days. In my opinion you should look after yourself and have your partner support you and be there for you..but tell me if im wrong. So the problem is whether or not this is worth working out or breaking up. I feel i've lost all my strength to do anything about the whole thing and feel so distant. Sorry about the long question. thank you so much for reading.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2006): Hi becksta,
I'm not going to say whether or not you should break up with him but I think if things get worse and you do split up, I think you need to decide in your head that it's for good this time.
He seems to have done a lot of things to upset you, but more importantly he is still upsetting you. Nothing has changed, has it?
He has a lot of problems, and if he were "on your side" - i.e. - not using his problems as a reason for being nasty to you, then this relationship would be more healthy.
Instead his problems are negatively affecting you and your relationship. You are a strong person to put up with his nasty behaviour, but whether or not you realise it now, it will be damaging your own self confidence and make you weak. When someone you love treats you in a bad way, you end up taking on a tremendous amount of emotional baggage. This is not fair; he has his problems, and you are commendable for wanting to support him; but YOU need support too. If you continue allowing him to break you down (you've already indicated you've lost your strength) it will eventually be him that leaves you and by that time you will be the one having to deal with problems that you never had before.
Good luck with everything becksta :)
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