A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I just turned 20 a while ago. I'm a virgin. I'm single and always have been. Dated a couple of guys, but things ended horribly and I ended up hurt.Even though I am a virgin, I have done other things, nearly everything that comes before it, such as a handjobs, blowjobs, I've been fingered and have had cunnilingus performed on me.Now I've met this new guy, we get on so well intellectually, we just click, and it's rare to find that these days. The attraction was there from the beginning. He got my number through my friend (she hooked us up), we started talking for about 3 weeks through WhatsApp and phone calls, and decided to meet up last week (Saturday). I stayed at his for about 4 hours, as we were talking he found out I was a virgin and told me it was a slight put off, I didn't think much of it until I got home and he changed his attitude. He didn't talk to me the way he did before, no more phone calls, no more flirting/banter/jokes, he took hours to reply back and just seemed more distant. But, he still agreed to meet me again a couple of days ago (Thursday).Now we met up again, I was at his place for about 5 hours, things got a bit heated I ended up giving him a handjob and he fingered me.. But he stopped himself from getting too excited and didn't allow me to finish the handjob off because his mind was on sex, so he said he preferred to completely stop rather than go half way (as handjobs don't really excite him).On Thursday, we also spoke about the virgin thing properly too, I told him I was surprised he wanted to see me again because he's been distant all week and he said he hasn't been, I told him he doesn't speak to me the same way, his replies are slow and vague and he told me he hadn't noticed properly, he knew he was a bit slow but he said subconsciously he didn't realise how his attitude had changed towards me cause he had lost a bit of interest. I couldn't understand this, but I told him, although I'm a virgin, I would like to lose it (which is true, I have wanted to, I just haven't really met someone on the same wavelength as me before, I haven't truly met someone I can hold a good conversation with and connect with, until I met him)He told me that the two main factors for him in a relationship is how the person is (their personality, their attitude, how he connects with them and talks to them) and sex. He told me, that one of the main factors is there, he knows we get on really well, but sex isn't there... He said as we got to know each other through messages and phone calls and when we met up it was great, he knows that there is potential there, but he also said sex connects him to that person too, which is essential to him. So I brought up the fact that I've only properly seen him twice now so l couldn't just have sex with him so soon (even though I wanted to but I will get to that bit later), but that's when he brought up the time length issue, and said "if I'm able to connect with that person intellectually, I know I can do the same physically, so even if it is sex on the 1st date, I need that connection to know we're on the same level and we're moving forward together" So in other words, he's starting to lose interest because he hasn't connected with me physically, which I sort of understand but not completely. I'm just glad he was being honest with me and told me the ball is in my court. But I know this guy has potential, I asked him to just hold out for a bit, cause I know the type of person I am and I just need to get to know him a little more, but even though in person he does have interest in me, and we're able to talk and flirt and joke around, I can tell that through texts and whats'apps he's losing interest, because he said, the sex thing will always be at the back of his mind. Now as for me wanting to lose my virginity - I know I want to. I don't want to do it with just anyone though, that's my issue, I want to do it with someone that has potential or someone I'm seeing or getting to know. (The reason I'm still a virgin is because I've never had this sort of connection before).. His answer to this was "we've already gotten to know each other, I know you have potential to be my girlfriend, cause you're one of the nicest girls I've met and we get on really well, but if I'm not sexually in touch with you, I know I'll lose interest, I hope this doesn't sound bad but I'm just being truthful as it's better than me lying to you and telling you it's totally fine"We had this whole conversation in his bed, and he was cuddling me the whole way through, telling me not to overthink things and said the power's in my hands, and that he doesn't want to force me. So I went home that night, things were alright over WhatsApp, still a bit distant though, and I was thinking about what he had told me and I was a bit busy, but then the next day, he asked to see me again! In my head I was thinking, 2 days in a row? So I went again..Saw him on the Friday now, and I was there for a while, I got there for 6pm and I was planning to leave for 9pm, but ended up staying til about 1 in the morning. Again, we were talking and getting to know each other for a while, we watched a film, ate dinner, etc. That was also the night things got a bit heated between us again. I gave him a handjob but I know this wasn't exciting him again, I could tell by his body language. He was fingering me and I was obviously VERY horny, he was just doing everything right, he was kissing the right spots and turning me on the correct way (noone else has been able to do this before). And that's when I wanted to turn him on, the way he wanted to be turned on (sex) but I was still in 2 minds, I was definitely considering it, and in that state of mind I thought "why not give it a try?" Now, we tried, and even til now I don't regret it (which must be saying something right?) but it didn't fit in lol, I was way too tight and just as he had fit the first inch in, I was in agony, it felt like a sharp stabbing pain, I read up on this and it says the vagina walls are ripping to fit the penis in but it was unbearable so I had to stop within a few seconds, he seemed disappointed but he carried on fingering me, and pleasing me the whole night, which made me feel selfish, because he was still willing to excite me.Now it's Saturday afternoon and we have barely spoken, I don't know what's going through his mind, he told me to go home and just make a decision on what I want to do, so that we both know where we stand.. he said he would love to carry on seeing me but he doesn't want to lie and say "I'm okay without sex" because he's not, and I do appreciate the truth, so he said its up to me. He also didn't understand the fact that I let him finger me multiple times, I've given head in the past, but I wouldn't have sex. Now, my reason is, its not the act of sex that scares me, its the reaction afterwards, will things change? Will I be more needy/clingy? The first time jitters also scare me, the "title" itself, I will no longer be a "virgin", I personally think I'm holding onto the title of virginity more than my actual virginity itself, deep down I know it's not the end of the world if I lose it, but I dunno why my head is telling me it is.. Before I gave my last guy a blowjob I was so nervous, thoughts were running through my head, but once I did it, I wanted to do it again, and looking back at it now, it wasn't a big deal whatsoever.. What do you guys think I should do? Considering EVERYTHING I've written? I want to take that risk, life's a gamble and I'm always about that, but I'm in two minds now. I know I want to, but I can't seem to figure out why I'm holding onto this virgin title so much.
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acne, blow-job, fingering, flirt, hand-job, horny, kissing, still a virgin, text, too tight, vagina Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (17 December 2012):
 Sex and emotions often get angled up in a confusing mess, so let's try this...substitue the word 'sex' with 'money' or 'finances' and replay your conversations.
This guy has decided that after three short weeks his intellectual connection with you is sufficient to advance to the next level - sharing finances. You see, unlike others he can't simply bond with people through great conversation, mutual interests and time spent together. No. He can only really bond by sharing money.
Any time you express any resistence to sharing money, he pulls away. He doesn't want you to feel pressured or anything but the longer you delay sharing finances, the more likely he is to look for someone else with whom to exchange banking information.
You've traded a few pounds and pence here and there, but he doesn't understand. To him this doesn't count. It only counts when large amounts of money are involved. Remember....he needs money in order to really bond with someone.
Ok...so how does this guy sound now?
A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (11 December 2012):
 Really? You're going to fall for those terribly old and overused lines? Come on... he obviously just wants you for sex. As soon as you give it to him, he'll disappear and you'll torture yourself for hours wondering where you went wrong.
Every single date you've been on has ended up with you in his bed. Why can he not take you out for dinner or coffee and drop you off at your house with just a good night kiss? You went to his house for a first date. That to me just screams that he intended for something to go down.
If he was genuinely interested in you as a person, you being a virgin would not be a put off - because that's A PART OF YOU. He was put off because in his mind, a virgin is going to be clingy and want to continue dating etc and he just wants sex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2012): Sweetie, be very careful with this guy. Tbh I don't like the sound of him one bit. It sounds to me like he's trying desperately to use you for sex.....you should be in a steady relationship with him before you get that physical. His reasoning is totall bullsh*t!! He doesn't need sex to figure out whether he can be in a relationship with you! Something isn't right here, keep your wits about you. Please, just imagine one of your best friends is in your position and you're looking in from the outside. What do you see?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 December 2012):
 This won't end well, he wants sex.. You want to wait until you can feel comfortable enough with a guy to actually have sex.
The fact that you BARELY know this guy (part from chatting with him) might be why you are not ready for sex.
My guess is, as soon as you two do have sex, he will dump you.
WAIT for someone who has the patience to get to know you and to wait for you to be ready.
And I don't care what app you guys you... talking via text and what not is NOT really getting to know a person. That takes time SPEND together face to face, because it's so much easier to misread a text - much harder in person.
And YES most girls do get emotionally attached to the guy they first have sex with, this is WHY it's a GOOD idea to pop the cherry with someone you WANT to be with long term and WHO wants to be with you.
And no honey, your vagina walls are not ripping to fit his penis - unless he is hung like a horse. Heck even then, that doesn't happen.. Otherwise women would burst open when giving birth and we DON'T.
You are just extremely TENSE and even if you aren't aware of it, you are clenching all your muscles inside your vagina. Because YOU aren't READY to have sex. DO not force it to keep this guy or to please him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2012): So this guy is saying he is not ok with waiting even a few weeks or months to have sex with someone he supposedly really likes? Bull. As it stands he's not having sex (unless it's with someone else I guess) and he is still alive and functioning isn't he? And after you tried and had to stop because of the pain, he sent you home and has barely spoken to you since? Nice. Please listen when I say this guy is an idiot. He is already showing you he is a guy who is likely to disappear as he has already started to. If he really liked you he would be more than happy to wait. He is a chancer who is only looking for one thing I'm afraid. I don't think it's the virginity title you are holding on to, I think somewhere inside you a little alarm bell is ringing because you know this guy doesn't deserve it and he probably won't stick around afterwards.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2012): Honey,
This guy is a complete and utter a***. He has been doing nothing but pressure you that's,clear as day. Your "dates" are all about sex,and how it's important for him to "connect" through it. It is true that people connect on a deeper level through making love, but this guy is so clearly just looking to get laid and you seem like a bit of a challenge for him which is what he likes. You should not have given yourself so readily just because you feel bad for a BOY who thinks about nothing but himself. Yes, you connect intellectually but as the old saying goes there are plenty Of fish in the sea. PLENTY of men that will stimulate you intellectually and have the respect for the decisions you choose to have when it comes to a physical relationship. Don't EVER accept anything less than what you feel you deserve. Yes you only live once, doesn't mean you should go making that one life of yours full of mistakes and regrets. Drop him honey, be a better person :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2012): I'd be very careful with this guy to be honest. He is trying to get you to agree to sex on the basis that he needs to do it to work out if he wants to have a relationship with you. That is completely ridiculous! If you agree then you are saying to him that you are ok with giving your virginity to someone who has made you no effort to earn it, no commitment to you at all or shown you any respect about your decision to remain a virgin until now. He is only concerned with himself and his needs and that is not the mark of a good guy I'm afraid. I do agree with the other poster that you sound ready in yourself for sex, but I don't think this guy is worthy of it. If you do do it, I'd be very surprised if he sticks around afterwards.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (8 December 2012):
 Hi
Well considering all you seem to do is go to his place the whole focus of your dates is sex and your spending all your together time in or near a bed, then its clear you want a physical relationship and sex and your ready
I think you will regret it because he sounds the type who will vanish,he isn't 'dating' you he's merely trying for sex.So IF you want to save your virginity for somebody special then it shouldn't be him.
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