A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice here.My girlfriend and I don't have sex any more. Well, maybe once a month or so. I've been with her for over a year and a half now. For the first 10 months or so, we had sex frequently, and both put a lot of effort in to please the other one.Even when she was unable to have sex (time of the month, etc) she would make sure that I was satisfied and I know she looked forward to doing again when she was able to.Anyway, after that it started to happen a lot less.We had a few problems back at the end of last year- she wanted more space than I was giving her- I reacted badly to the fact that she suddenly wanted space (I just got upset, etc) as before this she'd never even hinted about wanting space or anything.These problems are behind us now and I thought we were moving on nicely. But the lack of sex is still an issue. I fully respect the fact that she doesn't want it and I have never and never will force myself onto her, of course I wont!But I do have feelings, I do have needs.I have tried to talk to her about it which isn't easy as she hates talking about it. She's said in the past that she still finds me attractive and does want to have sex sometimes but just doesn't 'feel like it' or whatever- I can't remember exactly what she said.She also did say that the more we talk about it, the more pressured she feels to have sex with me so the less she wants to do it.I'm in an impossible situation- she is a beautiful, stunning girl, who I love so much and having sex with her is so much more than sex to me, it really is making love. I don't want her to feel pressured so I don't say anything but by not saying anything we don't have sex either, if that makes sense.I know she's not cheating on me or anything like that, so it cant be that thats getting in the way.We often share the same bed (we dont live together but we do live very close to each other- same street) and she just sleeps there in her underwear and I'm just meant to lie next to her and go to sleep as well- I cant tell you how frustrating that is sometimes.I've tried initiating it but when she just lies there, still and seemingly unbothered, its very offputting and it does drain my confidence.I used to be very confident in bed but now I'm not. When she doesn't react to my attempts to 'get her horny' or she pushes my hand off her, it really does affect my confidence, so now I've hardly got any.On the odd occasion that we have had sex, its all come from me- she's just let me do things to her, stayed lying on her back and out no effort into it at all- certainly no attempt to satisfy me beforehand- no foreplay. But I make do with this as its better than nothing.Don't get me wrong, I love this girl dearly and I really don't want to sound like the kinda guy that only cares about sex, I'm not. I'm sure a lot of guys that can count the amount of times they've had sex in the last 6 months on one hand wouldn't still be in this relationship! Sex to me is an important part of a loving relationship. Plus as I said before, she is stunning and it is frustrating!!I'm sorry to go on so much. I'm just stuck for ideas now. I want to make things work. I want her to tell me she loves me everyday like she used to. I want us to sit together and gently kiss like we used to. I want us to enjoy sex and make each other feel amazing like we used to.Is that too much to ask?Thank you for reading this.
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female
reader, Tine +, writes (4 May 2009):
 no i dont think it is too much to ask, even though you have been going out for a year and a half by now she should be able to open up to you freely and discuss personal matters such as this with you.maybe there is an under lying problem. maybe she has lost confidence in herself and with waiting so long from you last had sex maybe she is unconfident about doing it. I would try to talk things over with her, not just about the sex issue but maybe there is something else that she is not happy about in her life, maybe its nothing to do with you, but until she gets this resolved you may find that your attempts will lead you nowhere. maybe you may need to start spicing up your relationship, not just in the bedroom department but in the social department again, do you ever go out for dinner? or go to the movies? or do anything exciting as a couple?? it may feel as if you are putting all the effort in here but if you want to make this relationship work, and i think that you do then i suggest you do work at it. she may feel that all you wanna do is have sex but when you show her that you want her company more doing other things maybe she'll loosen up a bit and she may come round.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2009): Hi- thanks for your reply.She is on the pill and has been for years. She was on the same pill when we were more 'regular'.I have tried random romantic gestures- she says awww thanks, gives me a hug, seems all happy about it and then its just the same old story again.I am continuously tickling her back, her neck, her arms, etc. She enjoys it, thats obvious but its obvious she doesn't want anything else. I feel a bit like a mug when i'm always trying to make her feel good but she puts in hardly any effort to do the same... Actually I tell a lie, she tickled my back for about 20 mins the other night... she probably thinks thats enough 'sensualness' for the next month!
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