A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This year my boyfriend was having trouble paying for school/gas. He's in his 2nd year of university and he has no other financial support other than me. He said he was BROKE so I got a part time job and gave him all of my paychecks, as well I gave him money for gas, car insurance, brought him to dinners, movies, etc. I have paid for pretty much everything. I've given him around $2500 in cash, PLUS all the things I've bought for him.I didn't mind at all because if we are a team then we must work together and support each other through hard times. I was happy to give him the cash to help relieve a bit of the stress he was feeling.And then a month ago he went and bought some new parts for his computer totaling over $500. I was shocked since he always said he had no money to pay for dinner, outings, movies, gas, etc, etc, etc. I asked him why he bought it and he said it's because he had some left over cash. I got mad but I tried to be understanding, everyone needs to treat themselves to nice things, but I really wish he would have spent some of his 'extra' cash on me instead. I know how selfish that sounds. I just feel kind of used and taken advantage of. I am a very loving and giving person, and I am ALWAYS looking for ways to make my man happy, and to relieve him of any tension or stress he may be feeling. I don't know... I guess I would like to feel appreciated.I don't know if I am being unreasonable or not and I was looking for some feedback. Thank you.PS. We have been together for four years and we do love each other in case it makes any difference, but we don't live together or anything, we live with our respective parents while we go through school. xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): well. yes he is using you. And if I were you I would be furious. Look call me old fashioned, but I think a man should not be babied and should WANT to work extra hard to provide for his girlfriend so that he can take you out and show you a good time and be able to help YOU out too.
There is absolutely no reason whatsoever, why he could not have gotten a part time himself to pay for his stuff and to take you out. You are babying him way too much. And the fact that he is letting you do this for him is crazy. He's got no shame.
Look STOP babying him. He is not incapacitated. I mean let him work hard for himself and for you.
TO be honest, I don't mean to be mean, and I am only trying to help, but I think this is your fault. I mean the second that he said to you that he was broke, here is how you could have helped: Buy him the sunday paper and look through it with him. Help him type a resume. Keep your eyes open if you see a 'for hire' sign. Give him moral support before an interview. Did that even occur to you??
But the fact that he says he is broke and you run out and get a job so you can support him?? What?? That's ridiculous.
And in the long run, he would have been more greatful and would have had more respect for you if you had encouraged him to get a job instead of babying him like you did. You know why?? There is a famous quote that says "Behind every great man there is a great woman." A 'great' woman is not someone who babies a guy and becomes his bank. A great woman is someone who encourages her guy to work hard and reach his fullest potential as an individual, as a man, as a hard worker, in his career, as a provider. Its a woman who makes a guy a better person.
But you didn't do this. You made him seem like a chump and a user, and a baby. And that is why he would have respected you more if you would have encouraged him to work hard and get a job instead of what you did.
Hopefully you will learn a lesson from this.
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (21 November 2007):
 Hi,
this is a really interesting dilemma. For one, you have been supplying him with this financial help so its totally understandable that you get upset if he spends a lot of money on his computer.
But by the same token, does he have to get your approval everytime he wants to spend money? I'm only saying this because in a way he's dependent on you , so its natural you would get upset if he came into some money and spent it selfishly. But yet again, its an uneven relationship, you have a right to question what he spends his money on as you give him so much, but he also has a right to spend whatever money he has on himself.
At the end of the day, he should have bought you something if he came into some money, he is a selfish a-hole for not doing so as you have been supporting him. This tells you a lot about him doesnt it?
But its his money and he can do whatever he likes with it, the only solution is to stop giving him money, I'm sorry to say but he is using you and taking advantage of your generous nature.
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