A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend were both in relationships when we got together. Believe me I know it's wrong and I regret that we both cheated so id appreciate if replies could focus on the issue in this post. When we got discovered I broke up with my ex boyfriend and never asked him back. I apologised but we both agreed that we're better off apart. My current boyfriends ex broke up with him, but he told me he would have done it and that he didn't want her back.We were really rocky for the first 3/4 months - he would only see me once or twice a week, he seemed distant and uncaring at times. He wasnt really there for me when i was going through some issues and left me alone to deal with the fall out of out cheating. Now things are a lot different and I know for a fact he loves me to death.The problem is that I found a text message on his phone from last year (when it all happened) begging his ex to take him back and stating that he didnt love me. He always told me that he didn't want to be with her and was just waiting for the right time to leave her. I know I shouldn't have read the message, but I feel really hurt that he said those things in the past. I feel rejected and that he only wants to be with me because she wouldn't take him back. I know I don't deserve to be happy because of what I've done, but I've asked him to just tell me the truth and he said the truth is that he was lying to her and softening the blow because he knew they wouldn't get back together.When I found out I broke up with him but he wrote me a 5 page letter and we got back together but 3 weeks later I still feel really confused and hurt. I don't feel as strongly about him at the moment and I hope I haven't fallen out of love with him because of it. Advice please? Should I try and make it work?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2013): The issue in this post is really that you both are cheaters and your relationship was built on lies, distrust and dishonor. So, now you've got a what goes around comes around situation and you are hurt...hmmmm.... how is anyone supposed to support this?
Once you have cheated, it typically follows you for the rest of your life with trust issues, either yourself or your partner, your family, your friends, your work...
The only way to fix this problem is to live with integrity, be the best person you can be, love yourself enough and someone who can be trusted and faithful. Until you learn from your mistakes and not try to find justifications or excuses and blame for your actions, you will be able to find a partner who you can give your trust to and will do the same.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (7 June 2013):
 Duh...you know exactly what you need to do. Here's your push...PUSH
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 June 2013):
 Heh, the OP was looking through a year's worth of text messages because a relationship built on cheating has already had all sense of trust obliterated. She didn't trust him because he got with her by lying and cheating on his girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): - begging his ex to take him back and stating that he didn't love me.- told me that he didn't want to be with her and was just waiting for the right time to leave her.- he said the truth is that he was lying to her and softening the blow because he knew they wouldn't get back together.Here is someone who will lie not because he has to, but just because he'll say whatever it takes to get away with being selfish.He is not trustworthy. Your whole relationship is build on a weak foundation. In your own words, 'things were really rocky for the first 3/4 months - he would only see me once or twice a week, he seemed distant and uncaring at times. He wasnt really there for me when i was going through some issues and left me alone to deal with the fall out of out cheating.'He's proved not only that you can't trust him, but that you can't rely on him to be there when you need him. Those rocky moments show the strength of a relationship. Yours just won't last I'm afraid.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): Can you tell me why you were looking at his messages? Did he do something to make you feel you had to check up on him? The answer to that will affect my answer and advice. Thanks!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): Of course you have the right to be hurt by this, he lied to you and was trying to get with another woman when he was with you. It's not ok to say that to anyone when you are in a relationship, regardless of whether it was to 'soften the blow' or not (a very doubtful story btw). So you should be hurt, the thing you shouldn't be is surprised.
You know first hand how easy it was for him to lie to someone he claimed to love before, so what made you think you'd be any different? He is a liar and a cheater, and will say whatever he needs to to get what he wants. Only you can decide whether you can trust him, but personally I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. Saying that though, I have a zee tolerance policy to cheating and have never cheated myself either. You are obviously different, but if you have changed and regret it I guess there is hope for him too. You know him best...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013):
I don't condone cheating, however the topic today is about your relationship not the past.. So lets look at that.. When relationships end they leave no matter how hard we try , ill feeling, regret, and loss.. Your bf stepped away and then for whatever reason and only he can give you this, he clung back onto what he knew, some people keep relationships going even when they know their going to the dogs as its the only thing the know and it could have been that he did feel very guilty, who knows..
Cheating is never an answer in any relationship.. And I hope that your boyfriend has actually learned through the past so that you two can move forward and not do the same to each other.
Sit down and clear the air, tell him that you are really hurt even though you don't have any right to be ( you weren't the victim) but you want to make sure that this relationship survives but not at the cost of your self respect, let him know you are not second best that you are sorry you let him hurt his gf to get what you wanted you now know that was wrong .. Ideally he should have left her first .. Been your friend then moved into the direction of something more, however that didn't happen and we work with what we have.
If his actions tell you he loves you, trust them ... When they start telling you differently then that's the time to be aware and protect yourself ..
I do hope your relationship works and you should be apologising to both your ex and his, but then again best left alone.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 June 2013):
What did you expect? When the very core of your relationship is cheating and lying and both of you are doing it so easily, there's no chance for trust to ever develop. You're a cheater, he's a cheater, and you're shocked that he'd lie to you?? In the world of chronic cheaters, what goes around, comes around.
No, if you're smart, you'll leave this guy, and you'll never cheat on anyone ever again, AND you'll never ever date a cheater. Your relationship was doomed from the start, and now you know how you made his girlfriend feel when she was devastated by her boyfriend's affair with you. You also now know what you did to your boyfriend.
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