A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my partner for almost seven years. We got engaged a year ago but no plans on a wedding yet. Over the years we have talked about children - we discussed it very early on that it was something we both wanted. Over the last year or so he brought up the topic more, randomly suggesting baby names or coming to me and saying 'lets have a baby' in a very sweet way. Now, i'm not sure why he said such things. I'm in my early 30's and since turning 30, the baby thing has been on my mind a lot more. I would like a family - I am an only child and would like more than one child. I dont want to be an older first time mum like my mum was and as you get old there could be the possibility of not being able to get pregnant or having to go via IVF. We both have full time well paying jobs, a house and together financially are OK if we put our money together. He has recently told me he has all these dreams and wants to do them before having children and if i make his dreams happen - mine will happen. It came across almost as an ultimatum. I've felt uneasy ever since then. One of the dreams is living in another country. This isn't going to happen quickly which means i'd be looking at my late 30's. When we first discussed it at the very start i said i'd like to have children by 32/33. I'm approaching that fast! I knew this all along. I worry that once we achieve his dream there will be another dream before children. He sees no problem in me giving up my job. I earn ok money, around the $60K mark, which isn't too bad without a degree. I like my job, most of the time its good and i have a good boss. That can be hard to find! The company also has a fantastic maternity leave program. I would also need to sell my house - i bought it before i met him after saving for many years. He gives me $100 a week for 'board and bills' and doesn't contribute to anything else. I also have dogs that would make a move overseas hard. I am also close to my parents (he is to his as well) and they are in their 70's so for me, its hard to move far away from them. As they get older and the more health problems occur, it becomes much more clearer they wont be around forever.I'm not sure how to approach him about this topic or what to do now. I have long service leave coming up at my job which will give me an extra 3 months leave. It could be possible to 'backpack' around America and other places for that time and really experience it (not just the tourist attractions!) but I don't think he'd go for it. Im in the housing market now, but if we sell it will be even harder to purchase a home. Areas that were relatively cheap just a decade ago are now close to a million!Any advice is welcome,Thank you.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (16 March 2016):
 Let me help you with "guy-speak"......
"'lets have a baby' in a very sweet way..." and, " he has all these dreams and wants to do them before having children..." ... and much/most of the rest of what you submitted Really "say"....
I like to have an intimate relationship with you (read: "have $ex") but I'm not really much interested in being a husband/father/breadwinner.....
Decide if YOU want an adult man to be your hubby and the father of the children that you would like to spawn.... THEN, go out and find such a guy. This one - who you are dating - hasn't matured beyond his 18th year.....
Good luck...
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 March 2016):
 Btw I have lived abroad myself, in two different countries, and had plans to move another time aswell. But now Im thinking I might make the third trip later in life. My moves have always just been short, under a year long stays. A year would be a good enough amount of time to explore, learn, and then return. It wasn't something I had always "dreamed" of, but when the opportunities arise I grab them. Ive had several opportunities to do it again, but when they cost me too much I reclined. I went when the timing was right and I could do it with little cost. But my point is, if it's something you really want, it is EASY to do. So why he's been waiting all this time doing it, just shows to me it's not something he really wants.
Maybe all he really needs is a long summer vacation of two months in another country. Two months is also a good amount of time to live and learn, gives you enough time to miss home :) Tell him he should take two months without you, to visit the country he wants to live in and plan the move in detail. Like, find a place he could work, familiarize himself with the area he'd want to live in, how things work in said country etc. You never know, after two months he might feel he's gotten what he wanted already without needing to move.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (16 March 2016):
The solution is easy, you're just complicating it with thinking too much. He wants to live overseas? Then why should YOU sell your house, leave your job etc. HE want to live abroad, not you, and the dream was not for you BOTH to live abroad. So, he goes to live in another country for a while, and you stay put where you are.
Whatever you do, don't sell your house though. Moving would only be temporary, so you rent it out while away, if you really must leave, and you can ask for a permision to leave for a year in your job and then come back.
But, really, if he needs to do this "dream" of his right now, before kids, then let him go. I don't see why you can't do it with kids, however. I also don't see this is a true desire of his, because if he's always dreamt about living abroad for a while, the he would have already done it! Or at least, he'd have made solid plans to see it through already!
The way I see it, he's just procrastinating. He doesn't want to go live abroad, he just doesnt want kids.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 March 2016):
 Well, I think this is where some couples get to at some point.
My question is to you, have you asked him why YOU are the one who is supposed to give up everything for HIS dream (it doesn't sound like you SHARE his dream) and why now?
I have to say, while I understand him, I think it's an unfair ultimatum. He proposed to you in order to "lock" you in with him and then drop this bomb, knowing full well that you ARE on a timer to have the kids YOU want to have.
I think the ball is in your court. IS this "dream" of his realistic? Is there a plan? Or is it so vague that it comes off as a "my way or the highway" ?
You HAVE to decide if this is a dream you want part of or not. And if you do, you and him needs to sit down and make concrete plans. Not air castles, like he is right now.
If you don't WANT to move away - family, dogs, job, house etc. is making you content - then you need to sit him down and tell him that you have thought it over and it's not what you want. You WOULD love to take that 3 months leave and travel with him, but you don't share his dream of moving away.
It is SO OFTEN that women are expected to follow their partners. But you are not a piece of furniture, you are your own person and might have other dreams than him that doesn't include moving away.
I moved from Europe to the US for my husband. We moved from US to Germany for his work and then back to the US and have talked about finding a way to move back to MY home country now that he is retired. I have missed out on SO much with regards to MY side of the family. The original plan was to retire to Europe, but his health kind of threw in a wrench, so now we are "stuck" in the US. That was NOT my dream, and it was NOT our plan. But we have both adapted so far and are making it work.
Like DOES throw curve-balls at you. Plans don't always pan out like you want them to. BUT being on the SAME track as a couple makes a HUGE difference.
So think over what YOU want, and talk to him.
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A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (16 March 2016):
You really need to talk to your fiance. Minus this new development I think it's okay to assume you have had a good relationship, considering your 7 years. But here's the thing, having children isn't another thing on the to-do list or something thats your's or his. It's for both of you. I don't think it's right for him to give you an ultimatum. And if he has been clear about what he wants, you need to be clear about what you want. You both are going to have work through it and make some compromises. Mind you, only one person compromising is not an option. Because eventually you might regret it. Consider your options and what you really want from life. Moving to a different country is exciting, but you need to be sure you really want it, cuz it can be hard. You need to know you can count on your partner, since you all you are gonna have is each other. Think about it without bitterness, be sure of what it is that you want, before deciding to talk to him. Either you go with him, or you stay, or you give him the long vacation option. :)Good Luck to you. :)
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