A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I need advice how to handle a situation. I dated a man for 2 1/2 years, he is smart, kind, loyal successful. We are both in our mid forties. I was the first women he ever fell for. He was used to being alone and took things very slow. As the third year was approaching, I was the only one initiating discussion about marriage. I have a daughter that he treated wonderfully. He always responded that he did not know what would make him happy and he would not get engaged unless he was 100 percent convinced it would work. On top of that, he was with his friends excessively, doing guy things, up to four times a week. After thinking it through I broke up with him, because I felt he was a commitment phobe. It has been six months. After all this time I am feeling better, thanks to this site! I got in touch with him via email and he emailed me four times today , he was reminiscing about all the fun things we did, asking to get together with me and my daughter, apologizing etc. He did not bring up a game plan on taking things to the next level of a more committed relationship. I went through a lot with this guy and am afraid to regress. I told him I felt it is best to not get together, as it is too hard on me and my daughter emotionally. I have casually started dating again but nothing serious. What shall I do? Is he having regrets? How do I handle this? There are many more details, but I do not want to make this too long? I really appreciate any feedback!Happy Holidays!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): Ok, then you know that this is not the man for you or the kind of relationship that you want for yourself and your daughter.
He isn't going to change that habit, I know what you are talking about and I know those type of golfers, a lot of them are simply put, drunks.
I wouldn't bother even meeting up with him or asking him what is "on his mind"...if your daughter got attached to him and you know this relationship has no future then don't drag her through this muck again.
Shut the door, guys love to leave the door open with a past lover, that way they can come back and use you for awhile in between girlfriends or if they change their minds about you and hope you will change yours, they will simply worm their way back in.
Stick by your original decision, you broke up for a reason, you gave it a couple of years, you know why it didn't work, don't revisit the past if the problems in your relationship have not changed.
You are describing things that are who this guy is, not some problems or baggage that he could have since corrected. He is not the right man for you and you are not the right woman for him. He needs a codependent woman who likes to drink herself and is a self obsessed narcissist that only cares about why he can supply her with, she won't be so concerned if he is there emotionally for her or not, she won't care about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Rythym and blues, I only gave you a snapshot of the situation on here. After the full day of golfing or basketball games he would be hanging out at the Country Club Bar or a bar up at the Univerrsity with all of his friends. Most of his friends are married, middle aged and act like bachelors and like to party. He does too. As he got closer to me, he toned down his partying as he was starting to get health problems. I saved his life that is another story! I like for a man to have his own activities and for me to have mine but, he lived an hour away so really we would see oneanother very little. He would take overnight trips with these guys, as it has been a tradition for years. They went to the US Open and partied at a bar till 4:00am. I did object to that, because I said what good could come out of that? That was a rare occasion. I do not think they are looking for girls, but discussing football, basketball etc. Plus, he went away with them more than me which annoyed. I am a responsible mom and into being fit and healthy. For example on Saturdays and Sundays he would leave my house at 6:00am and be done golfing at 4:00pm only to be exhausted. We would then meet from 7:00pm.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): Well, if you have been in contact with him the whole six months, then why are you asking us what is on his mind and whether or not you should get back together with him? You should be able to have this discussion with him, and if it were me I wouldn't do it over email.
Reason being 90% of communication is non verbal, and you won't be able to see what he is really saying without a face to face conversation.
Since you sent the email, I would instead call him and tell him you would prefer to have a talk with him face to face and ask him to meet you.
Personally, if his bachelor life was golf and sports, at his age that is who he is and you had better be able to accept him as he is or go on your way.
I would love it if my ex was into golf and sports, but his bachelor ways was going to the bars and drinking and hanging out with his single guy frien is who were cruising chicks. He did this too often for my taste, plus he had a DUI already. His irresponsibility not his lack of attention is what broke us up. I would not want a guy who wasn't interested in some activity other than hanging out at the bars, but hey that's just me.
Good luck, I hope you get your answers.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just emailed the guy asked him to please explain to me exactly what is on his mind. Is he missing the time he spent with my daughter or our relationship. I cannot go though the roller coaster relationship as it was hard on me.. Thank you again for listening.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Rhythym and Blues, I did not want to write too much,but we had been in communication during the six months of the break up. Once in August and it was fantastic, it was like we never had been apart, no sex, but we had a great time, he was very loving, I agree with Aunty Bim Bim he had the best of both worlds with us being there for him and living the bachelor life with the guys, his bachelor life was not about other girls, but golf and sports. My daughter has been asking about him everyday as she loves him. I am not sure how to proceed.
Thanks again for all of your wonderful advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): You contacted him after six months, he never contacted you?
I think he is excited that you are contacting him after all this time, you are giving your power away and he probably thinks he can easily woo you back into the relationship that you had before, a non-committal one.
If you want to see what he has to say, then listen, but I wouldn't start up anything at all unless he can prove he has changed and feels 100% that things will work and he is willing to give you the commitment you asked for, otherwise I think you will just end up back where you were before you left.
Did you contact him hoping he would want to rekindle a relationship, or were you trying to let him know that you decided against being without him in your life at any cost?
Be sure to set your boundaries and be strong right up front if you do decide to have a reunion meeting. He may not like it but you will know then where you stand and if anything has really changed at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): You contacted him, not he contacted you. It doesn't sound very encouraging to me, sounds like he takes what is offered to him.
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reader, DoubleM +, writes (5 December 2009):
 Allow a first casual get-together with you alone and let him take the lead. Stop pushing for a commitment for at least awhile. That's what drove him away.
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reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 December 2009):
 unless he is prepared to bring a plan to the table (and act on it) you will only be back where you were before you broke it off with him.
From your letter it would seem he had it all, a ready made family, a loving female companion and four nights a week out with the blokes to boot!
Of course he wants back it, but you have already shown you can make the big decisions, now you need to show you are also capable and willing to carry them through.
Ask him whats in it for you!
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