A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been dating or about 5 months. We see each other and I stay over his apartment on the weekends but for the past couple of weeks, we haven't been going out to actually do things and get to know each other like we use to when we first started. He works a lot and doesn't have a schedule where he gets off at a certain time so it's hard to plan things ahead of time because there is a chance that he can't get out. I didn't want to bring it up to him because I figured if he could have done something about his schedule because he wanted to spend more time with me, I didn't want to be the needy and unsupportive girlfriend he deserved. So I decided to take the easy way out and I stupidly e-mailed him out of no where one day, totally blindsided him and told him that basically I can't see us working out at the rate we were going. He got very upset and angry, mainly because of the way I did it, e-mail. I know I am wrong for the way I did it but after hearing him point of a lot of valid points, I regreted even breaking. He said that I should have talked to him about it because maybe there is something he can do about his work schedule and that he would do anything for us to try to make it work (at the same time he was pissed/upset). He was more angry than anything which I do not blame him for. He said a lot of harsh words and said that I never loved him because if I did, I wouldn't have done this out of no where. I realized that I made the biggest mistake in my life. The thing is, I'm really bad on communication things that are bothering me. I always put them aside and try not the think about it hoping they would go away but this issue never went away because I would feel it when weekday rolls around when I don't see or talk to him (we only texted eachother on weekdays) so I felt disconnected. I know that I was immature (he he 4 years older than me, he is 30) and that the problem was all me. I never showed that this bothered me and when I felt like I didn't want to deal, I wanted to just end it without need for any more words and that's why I felt like e-mail was easier. When we met up 2 days later, I cried, explained to him all of this asked for him to forgive me and promised that this will never happen and that I will work on my issues and he said he wants things to work too because he loves me so we are back together. We've been back together for a week now and he has changed. He's not as sweet anymore. His texts and responses when I talk to him are short. I don't blame him for this and I know it will be some time before he can trust me again but will he ever be the way he was or is that not going to happen? I will do what I need to do and wait however long it takes but I need to know if it could ever be the same or do I have to accept the fact that I won't get the same affection/love from him? Also, the other issue is with his friends and family. He has a huge family and they were super nice to me. They know that I broke up with him because he was depressed when he was over their house. He told one of the family members what happened so I'm sure they all know. He's very close with them and I don't know how I'm going to face them. They don't seem like people that will hate me for what I did but I know they are probably thinking why did he take me back and stuff like that. How do I deal when I see them? Is it a good idea to pull some of them aside and tell them how sorry I am and assure them that it won't happen again, etc ? Or do I tell the boyfriend to talk to them? Thanks for all your advice.... I might need to see a counselor or talk to someone because this is really bothering me. I really want to be with him and I'm willing to do anything for us to work out. I'm not doing this out of guilt that I hurt him, I'm doing this because I know I shouldn't have broken up with him and we both love eachother and do want things to work... Please don't judge me and scold me for doing what I did, I already know I screwed up already (sorry, it's just that this is the usual reaction I get)..
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broke up, depressed, got back together, immature, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010): It's only been a week since you two got back together, so it's only natural to expect some residual bad feeling from your boyfriend and his family in these early days.You obviously recognise that the way you ended it was wrong, so just be patient and give it time. Don't worry becuase things aren't instantly back to how they were before. From the perspective of someone who was dumped by text message (by someone I was with for ~18 months, and loved dearly) with no explanation a couple of months ago, your boyfriend will probably have felt very betrayed by the fac that you did it by email.The really positive thing is that he loves you enough to want to carry on. But you need to patient and understand that you'll need to work extra hard to regain his trust.I hope things work out for you. Hang in there!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010):
First..I agree with you in that the reasoning behind and the avenue you used to inform your boyfriend of your decision to terminate the relationship was inappropiate, as your boyfrien, one whom you claim to love, merited respect.
Second..I sympathezie with your boyfriend's reaction, as a consequence of the aformentioned.
Third..I recommend that you meet face to face with your boyfriend, and honesty and directly discuss this with him.
Fourth..STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP!..YOU ARE IMPERFECT..YOU'RE BOYFRIEND IS IMPERFECT..I AM IMPERFECT..EVERY FRICKEN HUMAN IS IMPERFECT.
Fifth..If you're boyfriend truley loves you, he will leave this in the past and move forward with you.
Sixth..with respect to your paranoia of rejection by your boyfriends family members, ask your boyfriend if their perception of you has changed for worst..If yes, please do put me in contact with them as I would be honored to hug and kiss God in this earthly physical life ((Do you get this point?))..I've never experienced having to explain to any of my families why they shouldn't hold a grudge against any partner who might have made me cry, as we all recognize that there are three sides to ever relationship conflict..Heck I have 2 criminal orders of protection against two past partners and not once has any of my family members attacked their character..and if either of them were to show up at any of my family members door alone and without me, my family members would hug and kiss them as they pulled them in to eat, laugh, love, cry and sleep. Perhaps your boyfriend's family members are this way too.
Sweetie, call your boyfriend.
God Bless~
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 November 2010):
 I was at the receiving end of this in August. Still now I wasn't sure what the breakup reason was because my boyfriend's thinking was all over the place. I assumed it was a bunch of factors that triggered his fear of committment to me, and he wasn't giving me a chance to proove myself or didn't know what to ask, or thought I was that kind of person and there was no point changing me. I was still raising issues about this. I tried to pretend to be okay, I was still affectionate but there was still that nigging feeling that wouldn't go away. I couldn't live with the feeling that any day my boyfriend would break up with me for some stupid reason. Yesterday I just had to explode. I complained for 5 hours to my boyfriend. Luckily he was being supportive and just took it like a man. I am female so I can be more vocal. You have to encourage your boyfriend to speak up and not bottle up his feelings. I have faith that the ability to just communicate whatever bring us even more closer together. You shouldn't worry too much. We all go through stages of a relationship when we decide what we like what we have to compromise in a relationship.
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