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writes: Im in a scary situation right now and im so unsure about what im doing. my ex and i were together for what would have been two years this may. we broke up in august, got back together on and off for a while and broke up for good on thanksgiving. he kept changing his mind about how he felt and we were both going through a rough patch in our lives, so long story short, we both made alot of mistakes and really hurt the other. we didnt speak after the last break up.ok so heres my issue. he contacted me two days ago telling me "i hate you i hate you i hate you why me?" i called him back and left him a piece of my mind on his voicemail b/c he made the no contact rule and after everything i couldnt believe he still wanted to hurt me. he called me right back crying saying he didnt mean to insult me and that he meant he hates himself for what happened between us and where he is in his life. we talked for a while, and he confessed that he is still deeply in love with me and that the whole time he was so messed up over everything that he ignored his own feelings and numbed me out. that ever since we broke up he hasnt stopped thinking about me and missing me and wanting to be together, but he knew he screwed things up with me and it could never be the same again. he asked how i felt and i wouldnt tell him, only that i wont be saying i love you back anytime soon or maybe ever again because he really hurt me and i dont trust him. i asked him if he was saying these things out of loneliness and he said no, he truly loves me and means every word.i told him i cant trust him as a boyfriend if i cant trust him as my friend first. if this was going to work out again, longterm, we have to build our friendship from scratch. we hung out yesterday and everything was great. then came tonight. we were doing fine all night, just joking around and being lighthearted. we went out to eat and then just sat in the car talking. and by the end of the night, we ended up kissing.he apologized because he didnt want to push me into anything or scare me away. everything was alright but we both felt weird about it. it felt right but i was just too scared to be vulnerable in front of him again. i told him it probably shouldnt happen again. im not ready. he said it was fine with him, we can take as long as i need. he admitted he has strong feelings for me and doesnt want to date anyone else. he wants there to be an 'us' but at the same time he knows if we rush into things we could ruin our chances of making this last towards marriage, something we both want. i agree with him but ive been so reserved about my feelings and what im thinking. i told him he needs to earn my trust back before i can open up like i used to. he keeps reassuring me that hes not going to walk out on me again, but everything has been so unstable i cant trust it. we talked about the past issues and we resolved everything, we both realized our mistakes that we couldnt see at the time. we've let it go, but i cant help but still have my guard up.what does a sane person do in a situation like this one? we both still love each other, dont want to date other people, but arent exactly ready to be together either. how can we be just friends when clearly both our hearts want more? after the breakup i was a complete wreck for months. there was a point when i felt like i couldnt live without him, but now i know better. im alot less attached and careful with who i let in. i really believe that we are meant to be in the end, but right now is not the right time for us to be together. what should i do? am i handling this wrong? this is both of our first relationship, we are each other's first love so i guess we both dont know what we are doing. anyone with any experience in a situation like this, some advice would really go a long way. thank you so much for reading through this 3
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you everyone for your responses, im trying to take your advice to heart and handle this situation as best as i can.
just to clarify a few things...
anon: my name is not emily. why do you ask?
lostone: the reason why we broke up in the first place was because he said he loved me but wasnt in love with me anymore. we were both going through a really rough time and alot of things were changing all around us. he admitted recently that he just freaked out, and that he is still in love with me. but thats were i get a little weary. if he could change his mind back then, he can certainly change it now. im just trying to keep my distance in case he decides to walk out of my life again (something he swears he will never do again, but really, how can i believe anything he says at this point? actions speak louder than words right?)
mitnid88: im trying very hard to take your advice and not plan on forever with him anymore. its been a hard adjustment considering he used to talk about our future together all the time. but i know that you are right. i need to stop being such a worry wart and focus on being happy with right now, with how we are reconnecting in the present and not put so much stress on him being there til death do us part. i opened up to him about how i felt about not being able to trust him and still feeling hurt by him. he said hes willing to do whatever it takes to get me to trust him again, and its something we are both working on. he calls me everyday to talk and we have spent a little bit of time together. he keeps asking me what we are in terms of together or not. i keep telling him we arent together, we are working on rebuilding our friendship and if we happen to be two friends who are madly in love with each other then so be it, but for now we arent going to place any labels.
satindesire: thank you for your advice also. it helped me to know that i dont have to be in a relationship with him if im not ready. weve both decided not to rush back into things and are trying our best to keep it at a friends level, although he admitted that i will always mean more to him than that. but for now, he knows im still hurt and scared and im not ready to give him my heart again.
he confessed to me a couple of days ago, that this girl from his college made a move on him during the time we were broken up and not speaking. this was a girl with a very bad reputation for being, well..a whore.. and i had warned him when they first became friends that she seemed like someone who didnt care if she used people. long story short, she pushed herself on him and they ended up kissing.granted it takes two to kiss, he didnt exactly stop her right away, so they both share in the blame for what happened. he said it makes him sick to his stomach just thinking about her and what he did. he cut her out of his life, he said he felt dirty for kissing someone he had no feelings for and that all he could think about when he was kissing her was that he wished it was me. he still feels horrible about the whole thing because im the only girl he has ever kissed and he felt like he was betraying me. when he told me this, oddly enough i wasnt really upset, because 1. we were broken up when it happened 2. i knew she was a really skanky girl, she had made it clear from the begining of their friendship that she only wanted one thing only being a typical guy he couldnt see that himself 3. i figured he must care about me an awful lot to feel so horrible about one kiss with someone when he was single.
that is where all the advice you guys gave me played in. normally i probably would have been heartbroken to hear that he kissed another girl, when hes the only guy ive ever kissed. but i figured, if this is going to work i need to let go of the past. he obviously learned his lesson and in making that mistake, i think he realized my worth, that im not like other girls out there. and we discussed all the things that happened during and after the breakup, all the fights, and he finally apologized for the things he said that hurt me so much. i feel like i finally got closure. as for now, he wants us to be together but i keep saying no. things have changed. i used to chase after him, and now i feel like hes doing all the chasing. hes realizing that HE has to put in the effort to show he cares and earn my trust back. so for now, i think things are going really well, im just going to enjoy this for however long it lasts and hope for the best. thank you guys so much for all of your support, you are all sweethearts, your advice means the world to me 3
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2008): is your name Emily?
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reader, lostone  +, writes (28 December 2008):
Sounds like a real hardship for you. Without knowing what caused you two to break up and get back together and then off again, it's kind of difficult to fully assess how much trust you should place in him and if it is worth this much pain. I'll just say this. People make alot of mistakes when they get carried away with their emotions, especially if they're hurt. They say and do things they don't mean just to make you feel pain and usually we hurt the people that we love the most.
If you do not want to back away from this, then you're doing the right thing in trying to build a friendship first. But with the way you two feel about each other it's going to be hard, just know that. Don't end up spending every waking moment with each other because then you'll probably move along from friends to much deeper before you are really ready for it.
I think you are handling this in a good way, you should maintain a healthy distance and not just welcome him back with open arms. But also do not hide your feelings. You need to be honest with him about that or else you'll hurt each other. You'll know in your heart when you can trust him enough again for the two of you to try to work it out. The best of luck to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2008): Its your decision. You said you both made mistakes and hurt each other. Are you ready to forgive him for that and move on? If so, give it a chance. But dont keep the strings of your future plans attached. Dont date him or be friends with him under the pressure that you have to make it last forever. If you feel like kissin, dont hold urself back.Just make sure you know what is going on.
Whnever you are lost, always give urself a break. Just dont be in touch with him for 2-3 days or a week and figure out what you want. Once you do that, you would no more be vulnerable in front of him. Take it as slow as you want to take it.
But dont force yourself in trying to keep the relationship last forever or till marriage. Take it all lightly. give it time. If its not guna work out, there is nuthin you can do to keep it last forever.
you are saying you dont wanna date anyone and hes sayin the same but as time goes, youd see sometimes, it takes a lot of trials to find the right person.
cutting long things short. give urself a break, mindstorm your ideas on paper, pros and cons of your ex , and relax urself completely and then just take things how they come. Dont just plan things as you are young and you never know whats to come.
If he loves you, give him a try. every mistakes worth one chance.
goodluck honey
and let me know if i could help you in any other way
and let me know how it goes :)
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