A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My partner left me a few months ago saying she didn't feel 'in love' any more. She said she didn't know why but some feeling waas missing for her. It hurt. A lot. We have stayed friends however and increasingly I have come to suspect that she is very depressed and is feeling numb and empty in life generally. She is a person who finds it extremely difficult to talk about her feelings and bottles everything up. I have wondered if this is the reason for our breakup and I'm not sure what I should do, if anything?
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broke up, depressed, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 October 2019):
 EDIT:
"I would suggest TO her, that she ..."
Should have been
"I wouldn't suggest TO her, that... "
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 October 2019):
If you are friends, then can't you simply ask her what's up? If she wants to talk about it or not.
I would suggest TO her, that she might be depressed because the relationship ended. Because it could be a lot of other things in her life she is unhappy with.
And I have to agree with WiseOwlE (who by the way is a gay man, not hetero...) that staying friends isn't always the best for people after a break up, especially if one still has feeling for the other. Being "friends" hold both of you back from meeting new people. And sometimes is just complicate matters when you DO meet someone new.
I can see that you want her to be OK and to know that she has support (in you) if she needs it, and that is kind of you. It's just not certain that you can help her at all, she might need more help (in the shape of a therapist) than you can give.
But why not just ask her what is up and if you can help, like just listen to her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2019): OP here. "Wise owl" I'm sure you mean well but that is a very bizarre interpretation, that by being friends with an Ex you're holding them emotionally hostage. It makes me wonder if the heteros are really ok.
Perhaps you're a lot older than I am? Most people I know, especially lesbians are friends with their ex's. I personally believe it's very healthy as caring about someone doesn't disappear just because a relationship didn't work out. And if it makes you feel any better, she is the one who wanted to stay friends. I would have respected her wishes either way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2019): Perhaps better said this way:
"More or less, the post-breakup friendship doesn't allow her the freedom to breakaway; in order to deal with her personal-issues or inner-conflicts."
P.S.
If she refuses to open-up to you, you can't force her to. Many gay people struggle with their past family-issues, have difficulty coming to terms with their sexual-orientation, feeling rejected and/or isolated; or she may have suffered abuse, or molestation in the past.
Better she seeks professional-counseling and therapy; than trying to maintain a relationship, where she isn't emotionally-available anyway.
Let her go, sweetheart.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2019): If you've gone from being "un-in-loved" to being her nursemaid; I think you've made a bad choice.
It's normal to be depressed or sad after a breakup. Weren't you? You're prolonging her problem; if you're the one insisting on remaining friends.
She may be struggling with the fact that she wants her total freedom; and you refuse to let her go.
You're practically holding her as an emotional-hostage! Yet you're concerned about her state of mind?
Why would she want to breakup and linger-on as friends? Was that her choice, or yours?
Sometimes people fall out-of-love; because there are issues in the relationship that can't be resolved. More or less, the post-breakup friendship doesn't allow her the freedom breakaway in order to deal with those issues. Consider the possibility she was unhappy being in a relationship with you.
She fell out-of-love for some reason. Perhaps she has several reasons. Maybe if you gave her space, she'd deal with things better. If she bottles things up; it might be because you're the problem, and she can't quite put that in words.
If she feels numb and depressed, consider the possibility that she has the mental-capacity to find help when and wherever she wants to. Let her deal with it, she may not require any help from you.
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A
female
reader, TrueLoveWaits2016 +, writes (19 October 2019):
You don't owe her anything. She broke your heart by treating you poorly. There isn't anything you can really do especially if she isn't letting you in. Holding onto her will cause you a lot of hurt.
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