A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I both have been put through complete and utter hell in past relationships. We've never managed to find the right one. We both are sure that we've found the right one now, but I got married when I was 16 and he was 19, which lacked commitment, needless to say we both cheated and he was abusive (my ex-husband). My boyfriend also married young and his wife cheated on him with his best friend and so on and so forth, so we both lack trust now. It's hard for me to trust anyone, as it is for him. He's always telling me "If you're going to cheat on me, leave me now" He's so worried. I'm tell him that I'm not going to cheat on him and I am genuine about it. In the back of my mind I am concerned that he'll cheat on me also...not because I don't trust HIM, it's just hard for me to trust any man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear anonymous reader,The truth is is that he is currently married. He is not happy in the relationship and I really can see why. She treats him like a mother and he sleeps in the recliner in the living room and doesn't sleep in bed with him, I know this as well because the bed isn't big enough for the two of them. He says that he wants to see his old (female) friends, but that is all they are. His current wife doesn't mind it, but of course she wouldn't because they are like mother and son instead of husband and wife. He doesn't understand why I wouldn't want him to see these "old friends" when his current wife wouldn't mind. He's always been truthful with me and always helped me. He was going to go out with one of these "old female friends" the other day, but at my insistance he didn't go. He had to go to the doctor (she was going to take him, but I took him instead) later she called him to find out what was up and he said that he only wanted to see her that day as a friend to see what she would say and she said that she'd had a long time crush on him and he never paid any attention to her (that way) when they were younger, she wasn't good looking then. She has now changed her looks for the better now and she thought he might be interested. He called me up and told me that I was right. He has totally stopped talking to the females that he wife allowed him to talk to before me. I'm pretty sure of this because I live accross the street. They only have one car between him and the wife, and I know when he is there and when he isn't. Not that I keep tabs on him mind you, but I do take the oppurtunity to talk to him when his wife isn't there. He wants to be with me and he is working on getting out of the house, they have their house up for sale now. He's always afraid that I am going to cheat on him, but I am afraid that he's going to cheat on me and I think that is the only real trust issue that we have now. We just have to get over that bridge.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): Ive just had this very same thing with a guy ive been dating for 6 months. His wife left him for another man and my ex husband didnt cheat on me but drank heavily, gambled and lied to me all the time. Its been so hard to develop trust with this new man as he is terrified that I would leave him and I was worried that he would lie to me.
We have tried to stay close and treat eachother with respect and I began to be more confident about him. But in the last week he has become very distant with me and when I asked him what was wrong he admitted that he was seeing two other women besides me and even though he wanted to keep 'seeing' me he wanted a more open relationship 'Like the one he had with his wife'???? The result being that now I know hes been lying(the thing I feared most) to me and Ive decided to walk away (the thing he feared most).
My advice to you is to protect yourself and be very very honest about everything, even if it makes the other person uncomfortable. You never really know a person completely and trust obviously is built through actions and one hell of a lot of time. Relationships are fragile things that people have to work at. They are not something we deserve by right so we can abuse them by lying and cheating.
Trust can only be given a small amount at a time and it should be on an equal basis...you give a little trust, he gives a little trust. If things go wrong it's your choice whether to repair the damage and stick it out and give him another chance, or like in my case to cut your losses and run. You can't judge all men the same as I am sure there are many honest and decent people out there but take it slow, enjoy the first few months together and have fun, try to deal with problems as they come up and if great huge alarm bells start ringing...pick up your skirts and run like hell.
The best of luck with it.
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