A
female
age
30-35,
*teffy
writes:My boyfriend and I have been having fighting almost non-stop for the last 3 weeks with things being hard since the new year. Every time we make up and promise not to fight, we do it again. We have been together almost 2 years and been through soooooo much - he lives at home and so do I and my parents are divorcing so its emotionally hard. After so much fighting I suggested we have a weekend away to jump start things and get back on track. We booked it in for Friday and Saturday night to return Sunday. He asked me if he could go to his soccer game on Sunday at midday. Even though he technically 'asked' me if he could go - he wasn't asking. When I said would you please stay its important to me that we put 'US' first, he said no I have been fair in giving you the weekend, and if the game was at 9am I wouldn't go so if he went at midday then that's a fair compromise. He said what's an extra 3 hours going to do to save our relationship? His team don't need him to play, there are enough players that he wont let them down.I feel like this relationship isn't a priority to him. He thinks I expect too much of him and men in general and that I am selfish. What is the consensus? Do you think he is right?I want to know if I really do expect too much from men and whether I need to learn that now so I don't let good men go because they aren't what I thought they would be. I don't know if I need to get use to this or find someone who thinks the way I do -or generally speaking is my attitude too demanding?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 April 2017):
 It is good you are both working on things, but yes you do sound needy. If football is your fellas hobby then don't stand in the way off that. Also don't make him choose between you and family and friends. Yes you should be important to him, but he does not need to put you first in all aspects off life. He has his own life as do you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2017): Thank you for offering more insight into your issues and the reasons for the fights. Considering we only get to hear one side; I've always felt it is good to give the other side benefit of the doubt, or some consideration if they are unable to defend their position in the situation. It takes two to tango, and it's human-nature to seek allies and as much support as we can to see our side of the issue. So lets address what you've offered in the order you've presented your comments.
**In reading both posts, I might say you made a good decision regarding marriage. There seems to be too many unresolved issues and the relationship is problematic. You do seem to be incompatible in many ways.
**His reasoning regarding notes and gifts was legit and true. You can't and don't have to perpetuate the initial courtship-ritual indefinitely. In this case, you were totally unreasonable. The reaction may have been somewhat childish, and he was the adult in response to the situation. There are other ways to express his love and affection, more demonstrative of his feelings for you. None should be ignored or taken for granted. Gifts or notes prove nothing.
**You can't always be first, and that is so very unreasonable and self-centered. You both should have a list of priorities; but sometimes things will be moved around. Be realistic!!! Do you always earn your way to the top of the list; or just presume you should be there no matter how you behave and regardless of how you treat him? You will drop a few pegs on the list, based on your behavior and how much you reciprocate goodwill. Live-up to your own high expectations. You comes across very high-maintenance.
**When a man brings you to meet his family, he wants to show you off, he wants them to get to know the woman he loves, and he wants them to love you too. Humor him. It's only an introduction and he's seeking their blessings. He wasn't leading you to the gallows. Again, your behavior and reaction don't really make sense. Be suspicious of a man who won't introduce you to his folks. It means he doesn't really like you enough, and he doesn't think you're good enough. It might even mean you're not in his life for the long-haul.
To sum it up, it's a good thing if he does. It means you are a priority in his life.
**If his mother asked you to call her by her name, it means you weren't doing it. That's disrespectful. He was correct to have agreed with her; if she shows you the courtesy of hospitality in her home. Yes, you should meet and greet when at family-gatherings. Why not?!! It shows courtesy and good-manners.
**If it is too far a lonely drive and maybe burdensome for you; he should take these reasons into consideration. I think he was just searching for things for the sake of argument. This one isn't really a big-deal. If he misses you enough, it doesn't matter who makes the drive. Now he's being unreasonable and petty. I guess he needed things to counter your argument against him. You have a long list.
One might ask, so why are you still with him?
I hope the counselor is able to moderate your relationship issues and assist in helping you both find some middle-ground. If I had to assess the situation, (I am just doing this as a layman); I'd say you have a long road to travel to save this relationship. I can't see much of a positive outcome; but I'm wishing you the best.
You don't have to feel pressured into marriage. You don't marry someone unless you love them, and you feel they are able to meet your needs. He's looking for a family-oriented type of lady, and that's just not your thing. So he is pushing a circle into a square-peg. You are unpleasantly resistant to his efforts, and quite impolite about it. Now you want to blame all this on gifts and him not putting you first. I think you have to learn that a relationship is give and take. You don't deserve reward for poor and inconsistent behavior. You're inflexible about things you don't care for; and I think he is trying to force things out of you that are not within your personality.
I wish both of you, and your counselor, the best of luck.
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A
female
reader, Steffy +, writes (31 March 2017):
Steffy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello all, thank you so much for all your replies! So in answer to the question: we have been fighting about everything. * He started talking about marriage and I pulled away* I was nit picking at him because when we first started dating the gifts and love notes were coming thick and fast, now they have died off and as a result I kept feeling unloved - I felt my efforts were not being matched by his and that he was too comfortable; he said that level of wooing cannot be sustained long term. * His soccer and friends have always been an controversial issue; sometimes he puts me first sometimes he doesn't - generally if I ask him to stay with me he wont. * The fights then revolved around him pushing me to spend time with his family on a weekly basis (extended family and immediate) and him getting upset if I didn't remember them all (there are a lot of them and I am not used to that dynamic). * His mother started telling me to call her by her name more even though I have known her for 2 years, and that I'm too quiet at family functions, and he agreed with her! So I felt more angry and like he didn't have my back or value me for me (he felt it wasn't a big deal). * He said he feels that I don't drive out to see him enough and he always drives to visit me...... you name it we've reached breaking point. All the little things we did for each other started being used as ammo to fight with. It seems like we pushed things down and now its all surfacing! We have agreed to visit a relationship counsellor, so we will see how we go. I do believe my own family falling apart has changed our relationship and I don't feel he has been understanding enough of the pressure its put on me. I have asked that we start afresh like we are just dating and see if talking to a counsellor can show us again how to compromise on things when we are both feeling hard done by. I love so many things about this man but there are issues that keep coming up and the idea of a future with him has started to scare me rather than excite me. I will try to stay patient and fix this with him because when things were good they weer amazing and I know he is a good man - our expectations of a relationship and family dynamics are just sooooo different. But I am scared I will lose my backbone if I bed too much. I guess time and patience will tell but god it is hard.Its hard to know if he is right and I'm too emotionally demanding (I do believe I have some anxiety and neediness) or whether he and I are just not compatible enough to handle it. We are committed though.
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A
female
reader, Marshaapples  +, writes (30 March 2017):
You both should have discussed the time frame before you booked. I kind of understand where he is coming from. He probably paid to be on the team and sometimes it can be expensive. Skipping a game can aometimes cost you future starting positions or affect the team dynamic. I would say go and cheer him on.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 March 2017):
 I want to address something NOT addressed by the other aunts:
Your parents' divorce.
I know of a church that had existed for 25 years under the same pastor and his wife. Then, the shocker - they separate and eventually divorced each other. In a church setting, this is like the "atomic bomb" of calamity for a church of 5,000 people.
Then the strangest thing happened - divorce became an epidemic over the next two years! Easily dozens of marriages blew up right afterwards, and there was an epidemic of divorces and separations. It was widespread and led to a serious breakdown!
You are experiencing a pain of your parents' divorce, but you're stressing your own relationship beyond the breaking point by taking it out on him. Why the nonstop arguing? That does not make sense, except that like begats like! You're seeing your parents split, and are now being unreasonable as a way to test your own partnership.
Most couples would be completely fine with getting apart and recharging the batteries after a weekend away. Relationships NEED those ebbs and flows, or they will smother out.
I also see another warning sign here.
Why would he have to ASK you to go to an interest of his? Do you know of the resentment that builds up from a controlling partner?? Being partners doesn't mean that one has to constantly prove themselves to the other one! The "He has to put us first by giving up things" is the killer of all relationships!
Do not let your parents' relationship dictate how you treat your partner. Don't get scared and start clinging or smothering or putting him through constant loyalty tests or making him feel bad for his own interests. You'll lose him, and something tells me that you don't WANT to.
Do the opposite of your impulse. The weekend is a great idea, but this time, be EAGER that he's playing this game. Tell him to have a fantastic time, and you'll catch up with him! Then kiss him like he's water and you're dying of thirst and let him go!
Don't be testing "Priorities". Don't put this pressure here. Do the weekend thing to get away from the stress, and give yourself a vacation from any friction.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2017): I see your side totally.
I would be upset with him too.
I think you need to tell him it's time to move on.
And mean it.
Then see if he comes running back.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (29 March 2017):
 I don't believe any of this is a simple case of one of you being right and the other wrong, or one of you being unreasonable. I suspect you are both just at different points in your emotional development and looking for different things.
You are putting great emphasis and importance on your relationship, while he just sees it as a small part of his life and not something to get in the way of his hobbies.
He could easily not play for one week-end and let someone else take his place but he WANTS to play. You, on the other hand, could give him your blessing to play, knowing you will have him for the rest of the week-end. Relationships are about compromise and not always putting yourself and your needs/wishes first.
If you want this relationship to survive, let him go with your blessing, but know that you are much further forward in this relationship than he is and that, if you are planning a future with him, you may be waiting for a long time before he is ready to commit totally.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (29 March 2017):
 I think you're being unreasonable as well. You had almost the whole weekend with him and all he wanted was 3 hours for himself (not for his team but for HIM) which I don't think is asking too much.
Maybe you need to be more clear with yourself about what it is you want. When you talk about wanting your boyfriend to 'put the relationship first' what you really mean is 'put ME first'.
It's not practical to simply promise one another not to fight. You've got to sort out the reasons for the fight and both learn to communicate more effectively. This includes timing, delivery and knowing when NOT to say something. Humour can be a handy, non confrontational way of getting your point across.
You can't legislate someone's interest in you so instead of assuming your boyfriend owes you a certain amount of attention, BE the person he was first attracted to.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (29 March 2017):
 You are unreasonable. Here is my take on it. You arranged for Friday and Saturday and Sunday travel time. He didn't ask for any of the time that was arranged.
But, that is not the real point here. Where you are unreasonable is in that you want him to choose between you and his team. 42 hours for you and 3 for the team just isn't a fair division to you.
Now if you had started making demands like this 2 years ago, Fighting for his time against his hobbies, interests and friends, and, if you had won and managed to get him to drop all of those non you interests, then you would have become bored with him 6 months ago and moved on to someone else who was more "interesting" and you wouldn't have this dilemma this week. But you are just now trying to make him boring.
How is making him boring going to solve your fighting? Will he just stop having a will and do everything you suggest? Would you REALLY like that?
FA
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A
male
reader, Phil052 +, writes (29 March 2017):
 It does look to me that the relationship has run its course, and is in its death throes. His kick back with the soccer thing is his way of saying it. There may also be a bit of macho pride in that he doesn't want to admit to missing the game in front of his team-mates for a weekend away with his girlfriend. I would still go though. It is a chance to talk away from all the day to day pressures and may help you both in deciding what to do in the future. xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2017): People may give you advice, but I think it would help if you tell us what you fight so much about. As for his soccer game, I don't think it will interfere with your weekend as much as you're making it. You turned that into a fight and a battle of wills; when you could have just left it alone.
Know when to back-off and hold your tongue. Choose your battles. Being petty just builds a lot of tension.
Everything doesn't have to be put on the table to squabble over. He knows your routines and you know his, so leave them alone. No, everything is not always about the relationship.
If it is, it's because it's not a good one.
Don't confuse compromise with asking for your permission. He doesn't need you to reset his day to suit yourself. That could be one of your issues.
People who fight a lot are usually incompatible. They avoid actually dealing with the real issues that cause disagreement and conflict. They dance around them, because everyone wants to be right; and no one wants to change, or surrender to the other. One is usually trying to change the other; while the other just wants to be who they are. That's where the incompatibility lies. Wanting someone to be the kind of person they are not; that, and not being able to see your own faults that you won't change.
You can discuss a relationship until the cows come home. It's mostly you telling him what's wrong with him, how he upsets you, and pouring out a lot of tears and emotions.
You'll never get a guy to sit through that; so he is using his soccer game as an excuse to avoid it.
He knows whatever you discuss; it's only going to be about how much he f*cks-up and pisses you off. Grown-men don't like being lectured like little boys. Just as grown-women dislike being bullied or controlled. So there is always a cycle of conflict. Arguments are two people trying to be right at the same time. No one wants to see the others point in the matter. You'll take a long timeout until the next fight; but you never really solve the problem. Mainly because you don't know how, or the solution is to breakup.
Yes, you may be expecting too much from him. If he's the wrong guy, he can't fulfill your expectations. Then it is up to you to decide if it's working for you.
Nagging, complaining, and beating him over the head for being himself (but not what you want him to be) is really your problem. You have to know when to end a relationship that isn't working. Arguments have to be productive discussions; or they're just anger expressed through yelling. Yet no one is really listening to the other. Nobody cares what the other is feeling. Just concerned about their own feelings. If it's not a two-way discussion, it's a waste of time.
You are afraid of being alone minus a boyfriend, dread the thought of him finding someone else, and you're afraid to face everyone after your relationship has failed. So you hang-on to the wrong guy and tell yourself it's because you love him. The truth is, you can't stand him; because he's nothing that you want him to be. He's the opposite.
Changing people is not your right or responsibility. Finding your right match in a man is. Constant battles means you haven't; and there is no middle-ground. Bossing your mate around gets old, nagging is just a form of irritation or verbal-abuse; and you two were really not cutout for each other. You may have also been too clingy; because you have no other outlets for your emotions. A select social-group(a circle of your own friends) you can spend time with for fun. An escape to getaway from your relationship. You do have to come-up for air. Not always hangout in-couples, or as a couple. You must have your own independence. Fly solo to remember you're a whole-person, not a half.
If he seems lazy, boyish, irresponsible, and aimless. It's not your place to constantly remind him of his weaknesses and shortcomings. You can move-on if they don't suit your tastes, or fulfill your needs.
Centering all your time and efforts on a relationship is overworking it; and it's also trying to turn it into a marriage. Which it isn't at the moment. You're two adults still living at home with your parents. You're acting out, because your parents are breaking-up; and that is a reflection of your own failing relationship.
I understand, sweetie! You're scared! You're not sure what to do or where to go! You love your parents! Your world seems shattered. He's tired of hearing about it.
You and your boyfriend are both a tad immature; and shouldn't be living at home with your parents, being over 25. That could be working against you. You really need to focus on your independence, getting your finances in order, and growing-up. These things may be the underlying causes of so much fighting and disagreement.
He's showing no signs of taking the relationship seriously. Maybe because he really doesn't. Maybe you're more into him, than he's into you. So now you have to make the big decision that is best for you. You can't save a relationship over a weekend. He was right about that.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 March 2017):
 He doesn't prioritize the relationship. And it's time to end things. A weekend away is not going to "fix" anything. Things can't be fixed like that. There's no such thing as "get back on track". You either have a healthy dynamic or you don't. A weekend away isn't going to help anything, and in this respect your boyfriend is correct. What will 3 extra hours do? Nothing. He's already given up, essentially. Would it have helped if he put the relationship first? Not just for this weekend, but always? Yes. That would have made a difference. But that's not him. He doesn't feel that way about you! This is something you must realize, you can not FORCE a person to care, you can not force them to prioritize you. So when they don't, you need to accept it. And move on.
Some relationships aren't meant to last a life time. Be happy for the good times you shared, and for the support he gave you while going through hardships. But let him go now, it's time. You are not happy, and he is not happy. A relationships needs more than love to survive, to be a happy one. This relationship has sadly run it's course, but really, you will only hurt more by forcing yourself and him to stay in it. So yes, you will hurt by ending it, but that pain will be temporary. By carrying on in this destructive pattern the pain will just carry on and on until you are both exhausted and at your wits end.
End it now, while the friendship between the two of you might still have a chance to survive. End it before you both fight so much you say hurtful things to each other. End it before you both start to resent or hate each other.
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