A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I am in a relationship with my partner for over 2 years,he loves me to death and I can see it in his eyes,the way he looks at me and cares for me!but I have one issue we argue a lot like every single day and most of the times he apologises in the next 5 minutes irrepective of whether it's his fault or not!im a lucky girl that he is so crazy about me!but can 2 people in love possiblly argue so much it just drives me nuts!What do you think of couples who argue but make up in a few minutes?is it healthy ?We even have this in a rrestaurant we try and keep it subtle tho and we just don't talk to each other and have our meals it's plain ridiculous!so yesterday we made a promise to each other we won't do that in public and wait to get home to sort matters outIs this relationship healthy?i am beginning to worry:( Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (1 June 2015):
 OK...that's good OP...I'm glad that you have finally taken a firm decision to work on your relationship and stand by him. This is really very nice to know! If a relationship was saved because of Dear Cupid, really, what could be better than that?
Yes OP, seek professional help and stand by your core beliefs, even of it means going against what everyone thinks is right. At the end of the day, its YOUR life and your decisions and your happiness which is at stake. Your boyfriend sounds like a keeper if he's promised to stand by you through the thick and thin and your worst days. If you can put these days behind you, then I'm pretty sure you will emerge even stronger.
All the best to you OP. Cherish what you have.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi anonymous,
I have decided to give this relationship another go,I love him and I just can't think of a life without him:( I feel like if I do that a part of me is gone!
I have also decided to go to a counsellor to seek professional help because of my erratic behaviour lately which is affecting my health and my relationship!he said he is going to be with me every step of the way!
As far as my parents are concerned there is a good chance they might disown me after me telling them about him but if I still feel strongly about him I am just going to go ahead
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female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (23 May 2015):
You think like this because you're not happy in your relationship. Only when a person is deeply unhappy do they think in this way. You keep thinking that there might be someone better because clearly you're unhappy and you think you can and will find someone else who's more suited for you. OP I've had my string of bad relationships and only then have I finally found someone that I love with all my heart. I felt the same way that you did till I met my fiance...its like I was never really happy and I knew that I hadnt found what I was looking for. My unhappiness reflected in everything that I did. And now when I look back, I realize why I felt that way.
If you ask me OP, I think you're bored of the relationship and have had enough of it. As you said, he is your first real relationship and you have grown and now want to move on...but he doesn't. If you continue with being so deeply dissatisfied, you'll just eventually come to a point where you just cant take it anymore.
OP you have to take a stand because as of now it seems that you love him and hate him at the same time. Such strong conflicting emotions will just wreak havoc on your life and his, and neither of you will be able to move ahead and be happy.
If you choose to be with him, then do it. Accept him for all that he is, make peace with the fact that you are choosing to be with him without having to experience what else is "out there" and cherish him.
If you feel that this is difficult, then take a firm stand and make some difficult decisions.
Break up with him and cut off all contact.
Be prepared however that it will be horribly difficult since you have a strong emotional bond and he's quite literally your "first" everything.
If you feel that these are drastic measures, then take some time off from the relationship as of now. See how that feels. Make a decision based on that.
Keep us updated about how things shape up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is crazy about me and deeply cares about me,other than my mother I cant think of anyone else who has taken care of me like he has!But lately because of the accusations he reacts without even letting me finish and says things!he aplogised..I feel I will never be satisfied in life @anonymous I feel I am always looking for more,I am very selfish:(Sometimes when we fight I want to break it off and run and sometimes I think who do I want share my happiness and sorrows with only his face comes to my mind!He currently doing his post grad and he will be done in a year,never married..he is my first serious relationship and I am his!like he is the only person I ever dated in my life lol!before him I met someone for like 2 dates we kissed (minus tongue) for like 2 minutes that's my dating history and that happened when I was 19!so you can imagine..I sometimes feel what have I seen?i haven't seen the world!what if this guy is not everything what If there is someone better out there!i don't know why I think like this
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female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (20 May 2015):
I read your follow-ups once again and I think I'm beginning to see the pattern more clearly now. To add to what I had said, you are both stuck in a rut; him more than you. The reason I say this is because at least you are making an attempt to get out of it while he's complacent staying where he is. He cribs, complains, gets angry...but then comes back to you because he knows that you aren't going anywhere and he's too comfortable in the relationship to do anything else.
You've said that never once have you felt like marrying him. If this is the case, then break up AT ONCE, because you are just delaying the inevitable. At your age, people generally get into relationships keeping marriage as the aim and if you aren't looking at getting married then you are leading him on, even though you don't want to.
Financially, is he as well off as you?
Has he been married before?
Are you living together?
Who pays for the bulk of expenses in the relationship?
OP its clear that you are unhappy and that is enough for you to take the plunge and call it off. You honestly don't owe him anything. Yes he's been nice to you and yes you have a history but if its not working out then its not working out and there's nothing more than you can do about it.
Would you rather be unhappy and continue and keep making him even more unhappy in the process? Or would you rather do something unpleasant now and call it off and save him a lifetime of trouble which would have inevitably caught up with him later?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy parents are not accepting of his religion and culture!their Mormon..that's okay I mean even if they don't accept I would go ahead with it but honestly I never felt once in my heat that he was worth all of this,me fighting with my parents for him,it just did not seem right for me!
And yes anonymous Ur so right about what you said I feel compelled to love him because he is nice not because I want to and find reasons so he breaks up with me!i am in a lot of emotional pain right and I can't take any of it!i asked me earlier today if we can take a break so I utilise this time and fogure my life my work and my future!by doing this I might lose a man who loves me but I still think il do it:(
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy parents are not accepting of his religion and culture!their Mormon..that's okay I mean even if they don't accept I would go ahead with it but honestly I never felt once in my heat that he was worth all of this,me fighting with my parents for him,it just did not seem right for me!
And yes anonymous Ur so right about what you said I feel compelled to love him because he is nice not because I want to and find reasons so he breaks up with me!i am in a lot of emotional pain right and I can't take any of it!i asked me earlier today if we can take a break so I utilise this time and fogure my life my work and my future!by doing this I might lose a man who loves me but I still think il do it:(
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female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (20 May 2015):
OK...wait...hold on...there are a lot of issues here.
You wanted to go to church and he didn't call and check on you. Why is this such a big issue for you? You do realize something here right? In the ordinary course of events, this would never be a problem but given the way that things are now, every single thing is getting escalated into something big.
Secondly, you feel that you love him because he's a nice guy and he cares very deeply for you as you have mentioned often in your posts. Maybe you feel obligated to love him back because of whatever he means to you and the fact that he's been so nice to you? Have you ever thought that you might subconsciously be pushing him away, in the hope that he calls it off or does something which will give you a substantial reason to break up?
Next, if you are thinking of marriage but are unsure then STOP IMMEDIATELY. I was once for a very brief amount of time, engaged to a man whom I never loved but just thought of going with the flow, and it really turned out in the worse way possible. Thankfully we never got married because if we had then it would have been a complete disaster. Now that I've finally met someone that I love with all my heart, I realize how important it is to be ABSOLUTELY sure of a man and your feelings for him before you even think of saying yes to marriage.
Also, why do your parents not approve of your relationship?
OP there comes a time when sometimes things just don't work out and no matter how hard you try, you have to finally let go because its good for you. If there ever comes a point where the relationship starts feeling like a burden and this is a feeling that you have for an extended period of time and you realize that no amount of "work" will ever be good enough, then just let go. You seem to be grappling with a lot of conflicting issues already and honestly, if you ask me, a relationship which takes this much of an effort, is not worth it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd even said that "I acted big and did not want to talk" when I merely said I don't feel good so I am going to go to the church!and he calls it acting big!i am very disappointed by the way he talks to me
I feel he just doesn't care because he knows I am going no where but the truth is I don't even know if I want to continue this relationship with him anymore!i am sick and tired of arguing of me reacting silly and him getting mad for no reason..but never once did I feel that I want to marry him,never once and I do not want to lead him on
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@anonymous123 I feel like he is already turning into someone i don't know and I hope I am not responsible for that!he has become very cranky and irritable..just today I was having a very bad day and I said il go to the church that would make me feel better,he did not text or call once to check on me!he later told me he was really sick and was sleeping and I told him to take care of himself and later when he asked me if I was mad I told him I was sad he did not check up on me at all but I will let that go!
I know he is a nice man but I have always had doubts about him,not because of this incident just one year into the relationship I felt like I love him but i am not "in love",sometimes when we are getting intimate I just don't want to do it anymore!i mean kissing is done passionately but after that I just want to stop!we are thinking of marriage in 2 years and I don't know if I want to spend my life also for a fact that my parents don't aprrove of our relationship adds to my stress!
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reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (20 May 2015):
Yes OP, I completely understand where you're coming from. You have to realize one thing though.
You are not handling your problems in the right way.
Only when you accept this premise, can you be in a position to change your situation.
The next time that you get angry, just take a moment and count your blessings. You have such a caring boyfriend...how lucky are you! Before you get angry, just think, is it right to get mad at a guy, for no fault of his, AND when he's been so nice to you?
If you keep pushing him, there will come a time when he says "to hell with you" and walks out because even the most patient person has his limits. He honestly seems like a sweetheart but if he's pushed beyond a point repeatedly, even he will lose his sensitivity and become a version of himself who you don't recognize.
That apart, there's no harm in seeking professional help if the problems in your workplace get too difficult to handle. It always helps to talk to someone, like a counselor. Have you considered that?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (18 May 2015):
 Arguing every single day isn't very good for your health or your relationship. If you both want to work on things, you will both need to agree to 'fight fair.' There are many websites and books on managing conflict in a relationship.
Here are a few to get you started:
http://cmhc.utexas.edu/fightingfair.html
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/20
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-gail-gross/14-tips-for-fighting-fair-with-your-partner_b_4182355.html
http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/how-to-stop-fighting-tips-for-married-couples
Talk about this when you are both calm and feeling relaxed. Think of this as a way to work on communicating effectively with each other. You (or he) can either choose to fly off the handle and be upset at the other, or you can take a deep breath, remember the 'rules' for fighting fair and then, try to communicate in a healthy, calm and peaceful way, what it is that is bothering you.
If you both can find the humor in the situation, it would help tremendously to relieve the stress.
Best wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@anonymous123 your right!he is trying and he gets defenseless and attacks me!i know sometimes he doesn't mean it in bad way but because I am so frustrated I take it out on him!
What havent i said!i even said things like"wby don't you just leave me and go have some self respect and don't text me!yet he came back to me trying to make things happen :( he just loves me way too much!but sometimes he slips up and I hold on to it!
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female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (18 May 2015):
Ah...just as I'd thought.
The fact that your professional life is difficult is pushing you to lash out at him; and like every action has an equal and opposite reaction, he attacks you as well when he feels defenseless.
OP all of us face problems in our professional and personal lives. That's a given. What is important here is how we deal with the problems. One thing that I've found useful is, if some issue is bothering you, you stop and and ask yourself, "how is this thing going to affect me two years from now"? Most of the time we let external factors affect us. Colleagues, politics at work, deadlines. The question is, how important are these issues really in the larger scheme of things?
The other thing is, you're getting a little touchy about what he's saying and maybe he doesn't even mean things the way you're interpreting them, but because you're in a dark phase, whatever he says seems to be wrong. Like the comment on your hair for example. If my boyfriend had said that, we would have both just laughed it off and I wouldn't have even bothered about what he said.
Again, like I said, how to these comments and things even matter enough to disturb you even for one day, let alone after 2 years??? The friend thing, for instance. How is that guy even going to matter to both of you 6 months to a year from now? Why let such petty instances rattle your relationship so much?
However, at the end of all this, I feel that the other option is that maybe you need to take a break from your relationship to try and sort out your own problems for a while.
As of now it just seems like you're projecting your own issues on him and its taking a toll on both of you. If you're feeling so miserable, imagine how he must be feeling! It's not right to him either..and it seems like he's trying hard to be nice about it, yet there are times when he breaks down and tells you things which he immediately regrets. Its becoming a pattern which needs to break and you have to put an end to this.
Either you try and get a hold on your feelings and consciously try to not let the small things bother you or you take a break and be alone for a while. Because honestly, if things continue like this, its but a matter of time before either of you gets completely fed up and does something which you will both regret.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 May 2015):
 Since it' mainly PETTY stuff you two argue about, maybe you need to consider having a chat about it.
Like, LEARN how to "pick a battle" and how to "NOT sweat the small stuff" - like (taking one of your examples) IF you have PRIVATE stuff at your BF's and you aren't sure the "friend" who lives there stays out of it, remove it. keep it at YOUR place OR get a little footlocker for your BF's place you LOCK your stuff in. It can sit in the bottom of his closet and not take up too much room.
Gauge your mood. We all have days where we snap easier than others. Let's say you had a REAL crappy day at work (and you are not good at separating work/life) - tell him, hey I had a bitch of a day, I'm not in a great mood so can we either not hang out or try and avoid fighting? Learn to REDIRECT the negative feelings (I used to have a treadmill that would get a work out if it was raining outside, or I'd go to the gym and work out.)
Don't FIXATE on small things. IF your BF says something you think is hurtful, let him know but WITHOUT making it an accusation. BUT BEFORE you do, give yourself a 10 sec "timeout" that means count to ten, think about WHAT you want to say and it's it's actually RELEVANT.
I think 90% of the time people fight it's because they AREN'T really listening to their partner, or they aren't sure what their partner meant... they are ASSUMING.
I use the timeout when I get mad. It doesn't happen often and it takes a LOT to get me there... but when my husband does a "foot inserted in mouth" thing and I want to "argue"... I take my 10 sec (sometimes more, I have even gone for a walk to calm down) - hubby KNOWS that is how I deal with anger, so he LETS me cool down.
We rarely argue. We don't agree on everything, but we have come to a point where we can sit down and clear up thing before it becomes an argument.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRight now I am going thru a very tough time in the professional front to a point it gets too much for me to handle..that is one among the many reasons we argue
Il give you another example
We were talking his best friend who when stays at his place snoops around a lot and I have my personal stuff there too so I suggested he stay in the guest room and not in his bedroom before me even finishing my sentence he assumed I was going to say some trashy thing about him and lashed out on me!and then later apologised for his behavior
Another example is we we're out side and I told him I wanted to go to a salon to get my hair done before he head out for the night and he said "is that all you think about hair"like I am very superficial for thinking that!its these things I just feel he is very disrespectful sometimes
We argue over family he made a comment about what my brother wore saying it wasn't decent!petty things
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female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (17 May 2015):
There have to be some deeper underlying issues because even the most irrational of people will not argue without a reason.
What exactly are you disagreeing upon?
Do you have money issues?
Is your sex life on the decline?
Do either of you have problems with your families or jobs?
Has there ever been a history of infidelity that you are trying to deal with?
Is there some factor that you are deeply unhappy about?
Are you not happy with the relationship?
Or are you just bored in the relationship?
These are questions that you need to address because there HAS to be some root cause of the arguments. You say he keeps apologizing. Why? And why do you keep picking up arguments? Is it because that you know that he apologizes, at some subconscious level it gives you the "power" or having the upper hand, that no matter how irrational you get, he'll come crawling back to you and that makes you feel special?
OP you have to seek out the cause of whats happening here. Because if things continue in this vein and you keep pushing him, there will be a time when he just gives up because there's an end to his patience as well.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 May 2015):
Arguing EVERY day? No, not healthy - but it doesn't MEAN you guys can't fix it.
WHAT do you two argue over? Is it petty things? He said, she said things? Is it difference in opinions? (like religious or political, those subject ALWAYS gets people's blood going.
Because it's actually hard to give advice if we don't know WHAT you two argue over.
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