A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend (of 3 years) and I just... broke up?? I'll explain why that's questionable. We didn't live together but spent weekends together and a couple days during the week when our work schedules allowed. We had a serious relationship where we'd talked about marriage and settling down one day. He went out of state for work, almost 6 months, and things kind of went down hill after he got back. Over the last few months we'd started fighting over petty shit and it got to a point where we weren't as happy being around each other. For some reason we just seemed to annoy one another and things got crappy from there.It's been almost a month since we've saw one another as I'm guessing he kind of wanted a break on spending too much time with me and us bickering about what we've been bickering about, if that makes any sense. He did initiate me coming over a couple times (just last Sunday) but they weren't good for me. However, neither of us have really went out of our way to get together. I guess we're both of the mindset we may start fighting and therefore aren't pushing anything.He has been distant since the last time I saw him but we've talking periodically and just trying to text each other without getting frustrated. There seems to be some hostility between us, still. He told me he didn't break up with me but got tired of us bickering when we got together. He said I'm more than welcome to come over anytime I want to, and basically left an open invitation. I'm not the type to just take it upon myself to invade his evenings as I know he likes to hang out at his friend's place every so often which is why he'd usually like to know I was coming beforehand so he wouldn't be gone when I showed up.Anyway, I'm really saddened today. My heart's breaking. I know he loves/cares about me but I just feel like he's slowly giving up which hurts more than anything since we'd been through so much together. Our relationship (up until these little bullshit annoyances) was great. So loving, passionate, something I'd never felt before. I'm so sad right now. I feel like I've lost my best friend. My soul mate. What should I do now? I don't want to break up so what's the best thing to do to bring him back, if that's possible. Give him more time? I'm at a loss. :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2013): TALK. Stop trying to second guess how he feels and what he wants, just ASK him then LISTEN to what he says. Don't then say to yourself 'well he said that but what he really meant was ...'. HEAR him. If you have communication problems then fix them or they will be the source of much unhappiness and misunderstanding for however long your relationship lasts.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies. I'm guessing this was his way of ending the relationship? He'd been so distant lately and he told me straight out that it was due to our fighting. I haven't heard from since Tuesday and even then it was a 2 word reply to me asking him what he was up to. He did run out of time on his phone Wednesday morning and told me previously that he was broke till pay day (today) so he may put time on his phone here soon. He doesn't have internet/phone talk time so our only means of communicating was through texts, when we'd see each other and the random times he'd use facebook or xbox while hanging out at his friend's place. He hasn't been on facebook/xbox so I'm guessing he's not going out of his way to contact me. He probably thinks if he does I'll start talking about this crap which is why he's been distant. I don't have any way to contact him so I have to wait until he gets ahold of me. And I am NOT going over to his house unannounced. I'm just at a loss right now. I don't really know what to think or do. I'm kind of numb. I feel like he's left me and never coming back and that we're not going to be given the chance to try and really fix things. I know he'd been unhappy lately. He did invite me over last Sunday but it wasn't a good time for me. I just feel like things with us went sour and may be too late. He did tell me last time we talked that whenever I do come over again not to talk about this again. "This", as in what I'm posting about. It's hard to do that when I feel like there's a rock in front of us that can't be moved. I don't know. I guess he's happy away from me right now. I'm miserable. I love the dude. Sunday will be 4 weeks that we haven't saw each other. I know he's content because I'm sure he thinks once we get together we'll start fighting and I can't imagine he's really looking forward to it. I'd be looking forward to seeing him again but I, too, would be walking on eggshells. I just hope he's taking a nice break and will come back and be ready to move forward but I'm preparing for the worst. If he doesn't contact me sometime this weekend then I might as well throw in the towel. :'(
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A
male
reader, Jadakiss87  +, writes (5 October 2013):
As a guy I think the hardest thing to do is to show you care, he is probably giving you as much of a invitation as he feels is possible without appearing desperate and needy, although he probably inside is screaming for you to come over! Maybe it would help if you did a nice meal for him and invited him over? This way it will show him you made effort with he meal but made some effort to come over to yours. When he's with you try not to stress and worry about the past things you have just been bickering about and focus on being together which is what you enjoy. Too many people these days always want more and live in shadows of negativity, the truth is he chose to be with you, you chose to be with him, you missed him and he missed you, it's not unusual.
Good luck :)
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (4 October 2013):
Why don't you guys go to couple's therapy? It can be great for people and there are subsidized options available if you can't afford it.
If he still wants you than this should be a no brainer.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (4 October 2013):
 You say you feel like he's slowly giving up but from the tone of your letter I'm worried that he probably feels the same way about you.
I think that maybe the separation, when he was working away, meant that you both became a bit more used to being without each other so when he came back, and you tried to pick up where you left off, the balance had been disrupted.
You need to "court" each other again. You can't just pick up where you left off, you need to learn to be a couple again.
I get the impression that you're both proud people and it seems each of you is waiting for the other to show interest and make the first move. Problem is you've reached a stale mate.
Of course the bickering is dragging you both down, it's bound too.
Try and look at the things you're arguing about and see if you can identify a recurring theme, can this be worked out? Is it even worth arguing about? You don't have to tell me, I just want you to think about it :)
I think you need to start by telling your fella exactly how much he means to you and how wonderful your relationship has been and made you feel. Tell him you've never felt that way before and don't want to lose it. All the lovely stuff you wrote in your letter to us.
Hopefully he feels the same way and you two can sit down and talk about things and work this out because ultimately that's what you need to do, talk to each other.
It may be, that sadly, this relationship may have run it's course and there's nothing left to save. This will be devastating I know, but better to end it with good memories, than ruin it completely with more months of petty bickering.
Please tell him how you feel, you might be able to save this relationship yet. I wish you all the best of luck.
I hope this helps AB x
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