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male
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*akedbloke
writes: Hi there. Bit of a complex one but would appreciate your advice. My girlfriend of 2 and a half years is pregnant. It was an unplanned pregnancy - she came off the pill on medical grounds and we did have sex a few times without condoms. I guess we're both to blame and also a bit stupid. She had a one night stand a few months ago (I know the child cannot be his) and I've had trouble getting over this. When she told me she was pregnant I have to be honest, I was not over the moon. It all seems a bit too soon to the affair. While I'm trying to be positive (I don't think I could live with condoning an abortion) we're not getting on too well right now. We haven't talked for a few days and she calls me selfish even though I'm trying to get my act together to better support our unborn. The thing is I just don't feel I can live with her. I'm willing to support the baby, even on my own if necessary, but now feel I don't want to be with this person. When I look back she has made me miserable most of the time.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (3 December 2005):
 Both you and your girlfriend need to decide what's best for the baby. Leave your own feelings about each other right out of the discussions. As adults, each of your futures is in your own hands, but the child you've created is stuck with whatever situation it's born into.
OK, fine, you and she can't live together. That's all right as long as you're both ready to be attentive, loving, patient parents to an innocent child who was accidentally conceived and who doesn't have any say in the matter. Are you ready to share parenting with someone you "don't want to be with" and who made you "miserable most of the time"? Is your gf planning on allowing you access to your child on a 50/50 basis? Are each of you willing and ready to settle down to the responsibilities of parenthood?
You and your (ex?)girlfriend need to get together and talk about this - consider it a free lesson in the sort of relationship you can expect to have with each other for the next 20 years or so if you make the choice to keep your baby - and decide either that, A) you both feel mature enough and capable enough to nurture and love unconditionally a child that neither of you planned, or B) you're both mature, loving and caring enough to give up this child to a couple who ARE all those things and who would love your child as their own. (There are thousands of infertile couples who would fit this category.)
There are alternatives to abortion if you can't face that, and you and your girlfriend need to discuss them - soon - because the idea of two people who don't trust or love each other, having an unplanned baby because they didn't want to talk about alternatives fills me with pity for the child.
Please consider your child's needs first. If you're ready and willing to love your child, cooperating with each other even though your love may be gone, and if you're willing to endure the natural sacrifices that parents make, then do it. However, if you know you're not ready for the stresses and responsibilities, then don't force yourselves to raise a child.
I wish you strength and wisdom. This is a hard choice.
A
male
reader, danb +, writes (3 December 2005):
If she makes you feel misrable just think do you want to be with her for the next 18 years untill the baby grows up, possibly longer!And think of the baby growing up with no dad... not good.Abortion would be the easy way out but there is mixed opionion about it.Tell her how you feelSee what happensgood luck i wish you all the best!
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