A
female
age
30-35,
*rystalmarie
writes:A year ago while watching a Dr Phil episode about a "sugar daddy" website I checked it out mainly out of curiosity but actually ended up meeting someone. It started out as just hanging out when he was in town on business but it later turned into much more. We have been secretly dating since early March 2015. He's amazing , sweet , funny and cute. BUT he's a lot older , I'm 23 and he is 42. He is moving to an area closer to me and we both are ready to not hide our relationship anymore but we're both worried . I know my family willlFreak when they find out his age. And he thinks his family will react the same way as mine. We both agreed we won't be telling people how we met because we figure they will have enough opinions on us. How do you think our families will react or is there a way to make them See we really care for each other Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Slippers  +, writes (9 January 2016):
Hey sweetie As a mother of two young daughter ( 8 - 4 respectively) and someone who has witnessed how big age gaps can lead to difficulty in the future . I'm a like sceptical, regarding if this will last the distance .. does that mean you don't give it a go .. devil no .. I just as a mental health nurse explain to you what I know and gives you awareness .. My father married a women 22 years his junior .. In the beginning everything was wonderful .. The family did come around .. I for one was happy to see my father happy .. He was 62 and she was 40 .. However with age comes complaints and by 70 my father couldn't do what he did when he was younger .. The age gap seemed to widen for my father and his wife and she become very unhappy and took that out on my father . and yes for you .. your partner relatively young and hopeful fit haha but when say 20 years have passed and your 40 and he's 60 and has aches and pains the gap may seem wider .. so I would suggest laying a very firm foundation .. doing things together hobbies that are little impact and ones that are high impact like going out ..etc so when the time comes you will still other activities to fall back on together .As for your family I think you may be building this up in your head .. as long as my daughter was happy and he was good to her .. and he was respectful kind genuine .. and was able to become apart of our family as an extend member I would be happy .If I were you I would take my mother something that you know she loves .. her favourite chocolate. . Her favourite cake ..at a time it was just me and her .. and yes its boxing clever haha but it's laying the foundation .. tell her you've met a man .. tell her how wonderful he is .. how the relationship still developing but it has potential. Tell her he treats you well ( what mother doesn't want to hear that ) then say you may be annoyed mum and when she says why .. say he's a bit older .. and tell his age .. she may be taken aback but she should come around quicker, because she loves you .. and wants you happy ( and it's like your confiding specially in her ) .. It will be your mum's place to tell your dad the news .. haha she will have the magic to smooth that over. Time will as the others say show how much committed you both are .. Just realises if your both in this for the long haul .. The gap at one time will show .. but if your prepared and love each other it may just be a small adjustment ..Take care sweetie
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2016): You've done the right thing in getting to know each other well before announcing your relationship to family. You just need to be upfront at the start and say you've been in a relationship with a man now for quite a few months and that you like him very much (he treats you well, is kind etc..) but then say that there is a large age gap and you don't want your family to be shocked when they meet him. Just be completely upfront and acknowledge that you know they will find it hard to accept him but that you got to know him and have waited until it's becoming a more serious relationship before announcing it.
Your family will worry he is too old and will stop you following dreams etc...his family will think you're with him for money. It's not going to be easy but just by showing you're happy and that you both support each others lives they'll gradually accept it and come to terms with it. You just need to give them time to get to know you both. You will need to speak to your bf about how you're going to tell people you met. It might be easier to say you were matched on Match.com or something than create a fictional meeting. Just pretend you met on an ordinary dating site and started to chat, met and hit it off. Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, Krystalmarie +, writes (8 January 2016):
Krystalmarie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe was married before but has been divorced for five years and he doesn't have any kids.
He isn't trying to make some ex jealous . In the beginning it was suppose to be just something casual. Neither one of us excepted it to turn into anything more then maybe a few hookups.
We just don't want to hide our relationship any longer and we are hoping our families can except it. He has a high profile job that we are expecting some back lash from that so having family that support us is important.
We talk about our future and want to share the joys with our family .
I'm really hoping they don't look at him as "the dirty old man" like one commenter said. He isn't like that at all . He treats me with the upmost respect and spoils me beyond words .
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 January 2016):
 You need to go around this a mature way. Yes it will be frustrating for you both, but if your families disapprove you need to try and see where they are coming from. Tell them you know why they would be worried, but also be honest with them about how you feel. It may take time but just show them how united you both are, and hopefully they will learn to accept it. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (8 January 2016):
 I immediately thought of the movie ONCE AROUND (1991) with Richard Dreyfus and Holly Hunter.
He plays an older man and she the younger woman and the families are not happy.
I believe in age gaps. I am 13 years older than my husband and we don't even notice it nor do we mention it.
your gap is bigger and no... no one is going to be happy but you will be able to manage this if you both behave as mature adults and accept that the BEST thing will be time to help folks learn to cope. The longer you are together and the more mature and adult you both act the better.
Be adult. Acknowledge that you are both aware that it's difficult to be accepting and that the families will need time to accept this.
Understand that living your life to please yourself is important and parental approval or family approval is not needed.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (8 January 2016):
 Your families are going to be concerned, yours because partnering up with a man twice her age is NOT what we want for our daughters, no matter how adult they are.
Your BF's family are going to wonder where is head is at, their reactions will differ depending on whether he has been married prior to meeting you, or has children, in which case they may view his relationship with you as an attempt to prove to ex wives or partners that he is still desirable.
I once worked for a man who was in his early 60s, his children were older than his second wife, with whom he had had another child. The family dynamics seemed to work, but I got the feeling this was due more to the older children, and their wives, not wanting to isolate or ignore (I can't find the right word here)their much younger sibling. He would have been 50-ish and his wife around 20 when they married. It probably helped that his older children were both boys where the much younger child was a girl.
A friend's daughter became involved with a man twice her age, my friend, while not putting any barriers up was not happy with the arrangement and felt that her daughter was not living her life to her full potential by tying herself to a much older man .... there were other circumstances at work here.
You both need to reconcile yourselves to the fact there is unlikely to be total acceptance of your relationship, and at this stage what you need to be aiming for is acceptance which will grow into an amicable "truce"
By standing your ground, being mature in all interactions with family, especially your parents, and through demonstrating a firm commitment on both your parts to make this relationship work you should gain some ground, and hopefully, respect for your decisions.
I wish you both well
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2016): As a parent if my daughter turned up with a guy old enough to be her father I would freak. A lot will be thinking dirty old man. Its not going to be easy... And Im sure lots will say you are an adult....yes you are. Good luck.
...............................
|
