A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm not going to make any excuses for what you are about to read but I hope that you can see that I am a very genuine person who fully realises the mistakes she has made and is trying to make amends. I hope someone out there can offer me some words of help.My ex and I are re-evaluating our relationship and through the help of Relate are hoping to get ourselves back on track. We've both made huge mistakes in the past and both want to try and set things right.The biggest hurdle that I have to overcome is the way his children view me and also his family.I'm not going to offer any explanation over the way his children behaved but to say that at I times I found them extremely challenging. I always tried to treat them the way I did my own, if they did something wrong I would explain to them what they did, give them the opportunity to explain/rectify and adminster a consequence if it was needed. My own child has been brought up this way and knew what boundaries were set, obviously my ex's children were a different matter and I accept that at times they felt I was 'having a go'.However, over the years I have resorted to abuse/violence, call it what you will, I'm not about to sugar the pill to make myself feel better. There have been many occasions where things decended to the levels of screaming at the children and although I have never voluntarily told them I hated them, I have reacted that way when they said it to me. Pathetic I know.There are however, four events that are forever imprinted on his childrens. I admit that I lost my temper with his oldest son when he was about 10 years old. The reason is only really an excuse. I dragged him out of a chair, that much I remember, I can't recall all the events but I do know that I hit him and he ended up with a bloody nose. A few years later he swore at me, my intention was to just tap him on his mouth with the back of my hand but I missed and bloodied his nose again. He does have quite a sensitive nose but again that doesn't really matter does it? About 2 years ago, again the events leading up to it don't really matter, I ended up grabbing him by his tie, dragging him upstairs and screaming at him, I almost throttled him. Finally he witnessed his father and I having a physical fight.I accept my behaviour was appalling and there is nothing I can do to erase the memories his son has. I have never been physically violent towards his other son although we have had a few altercations, but I accept his view of what I did to his brother and how this makes him feel.Ironically during our lengthy relationship we lived together for only 2 months during which time I found living with his children fairly harmonious.His children have said that if we get back together they would rather go into care and I can't say I blame them. I want to make amends but they won't even talk to me right now and I have nothing to do them. I'm prepared to face up to what I have done and if they need to be angry with me then they have every right to be so. My ex and I have a little boy who is 2 1/2 years old and I feel he has a right to a family who are united. I am fully prepared to explain to him when the time comes that what I did was wrong but I also need to be able to show him that I have tried to make things right, or as right as they ever will be. I don't want our little boy to miss out on having a loving and stable family around him and would prefer do that as one unit and not two.I know I can't make amends over night and this may take many years but for my part I am committed to doing what is right. Some words of wisdom would be appreciated and any ideas as to how I can firstly approach his children, get this started and allow us all to have a happy and healthy future.
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female
reader, Jendorset +, writes (18 April 2007):
I dont beleive you can be trusted with these children. I dont see what you mean about me being able to justify violnece in one sense but not another. I replying on the way you treated the children. What other violence was there ? Eveyone gets angry, but you dont have to right to beat up someone elses kid. Beating is not discipline.
A
female
reader, RaeRaeMcGee  +, writes (17 April 2007):
 Hi There. First of all I do think that you are genuine in your want to change things, and do the right thing. However, your history shows otherwise. The children who have been the most affected by this are entitled to their feelings about you. I mean, you didn't just hit them, you drew blood. You have a problem with your temper, and this probally frightens these children to no end. Also, your attempt to show your own child that he is from a stable family will be in vain because he isn't from a stable family, he is from a dysfunctional one plagued with violence.
To make things work you will have to be patience. A good thing to do, in my opinion, is to write a personal letter to both children. Don't expect any reaction from the children. Just try to let them know that you respect their feelings , but you are TRYING TO CHANGE.
Another thing, IN ORDER TO CHANGE , will be to go to Individual counseling, then after some time invite the others to family counseling. Move Slow, and take your time. This won't happen overnight, it may take years.
I have to be honest, I thought I was hit as a child badly, but there was no blood, or being dragged places. You yourself should take anger managment classes. This will also show everyone involved that your a making an attempt to make things right.
You will have to go about TRUELY changing yourself. I commend you on your willingless to change. But, you have to understand that these children may not care that you changed. They will have to deal with this for the rest of their life. If you are honest about wanting things to work, and move slowly (with patience and empathy) things may turn out for the best. Meanwhile, when it comes to your own child you have to work with what you have. You have your own willingness to show that child a good life. Make sure he feels your love and his fathers'. Thats all he needs.
GOOD LUCK!
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A
female
reader, RaeRaeMcGee +, writes (17 April 2007):
It's good that you accept responsibility for doing what you did to his children, but who else would? What you need to understand about the situation is that you have to repect the fact that these children have the right to decide that they want nothing to do with you. I mean, it's not like you JUST tapped them on the mouth (as you so eloquently put it), you drew blood. Thats extreme physical abuse. So it's a mature and excellent thing that you are genuinley sorry but you can't expect them to forget.
However, I understand that you want to make things better (which it sounds like you can) for your OWN child. But, the two other children would have to be out of the picture to make that happpen. Also, your attempts at showing this child that he comes from a unitied,stable family will be in vain, because he doesn't come from a ideal family like this. He comes from one plagued with violence and dysfunction. You have to not only think of yourself but the whole extended family.
The only way to do that in my opinion is to work with what you got. You have to keep up your newly mature standpoint of trying to make it work. If you really feel that way your willing to wait for a change.
Family counseling is a must. Also write them letters that show your true intent of respect of their feelings, and that you are willing to wait and take things slowly.
Good Luck. And also you, yourself, might benifit from anger managment.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Jendorset,
Thank you for you reply but I do already understand the consequences of what I have done. I do however, find your reply a little hypocritical as you seem to be able to justify violence of one sort but not of another. I also disagree with your opinion that I should have had no right to discipline these children however I do agree that I should have consulted their father. He was present at all incidents and freely admits that he could have been more supportive. Their natural Mother sadly died when they were both smaller.
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A
female
reader, Jendorset +, writes (17 April 2007):
I dont really think you should live with these boys anymore. You have hit them about, and you didnt have any right to even try to sort there behaviour out. You should have gone to there father and let him deal with them. Where is there natural mother in all of this. If i was the boys mother i would have beaten you half senseless myself or taken you to court. Does there father know you have done this to them, if he knows he should not want you near them. I think you should leave well alone. You may want your own child to grow up in a stable inviroment, but your thinking of yourselves and not the other boys. I think you have physically abused the 10 year old and you trying to come back will make him think it will only continue. Why hasnt there father done anything about this. If you have kept it to yourself, it is even worse. Leave these kids alone, they dont deserve some half assed apology, because that is how they will see it. I dont truly believe you can be trusted with these children again, you have some kind of anger problem rooted deep inside you and it is pointing to alot more. I beleive you would lash out again.
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A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (17 April 2007):
 Hi
I am really impressed by the way you humbly accept full responsibility for your actions, I am sure you mean it. You are right no one can justify this to make it right. I think taking full responsibility was the first step. Do not expect a miracle this kids are resentful the memories they have of you will never be wiped out from their minds, they are hurting even more now that you guys are reconciling I am sure when that was over for them it was good riddens and now it feels like the nightmare is still not over.
So understand how they really feel don’t push it and take it one day at a time. Maybe you can ask their father if you can have dinner together so that you can apologise to them this way they will have a clear platform to let their anger out and also it will help them to understand that they do have a say in all this and not being forced to get used to the idea of having the wicked stepmom back. Do not use the little boy’s future to intimidate them or emotionally blackmail them they will see through that and it might cause division amongst the three of them let them realise that or be the judge of that so that it will be easy for them to bond with him without feeling obligated.
You can also try family counseling; this will also help you with your anger and the violence between you and your ex as well because it is not healthy for children to witness verbal or physical confrontation between their parents. If you want these children to respect you guys this is one of the things you need to refrain from. Learn to be firm in your confrontations but never resort to violence because it only makes matters worse, give respect first and you will earn it back. At the end they might not trust or love you the way you want it to be but they might be able to accept and treat you as a family member who happens to love their father very much and is trying hard to be the best mother she can be to all his children. Be patient it will take a lot of love, understanding, compromise and willingness to make it work. Good luck
Jovial
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2007): You are obviously remorseful for the way you handled (or mishandled) his children, but you have a mammoth task ahead.You have physically abused these children, and the fact that you are not their mother makes it worse,paticularly in their eyes.They dont trust you and why should they.The only chance you even stand of them communicating with you is through their father if they will do so for him.You are the wicked stepmother in these childrens eyes and IF you get the opportunity to make amends - you will have to eat humble pie from now on. Any discipline will be difficult for you to even get involved in and should you lose the plot and abuse again then you dont deserve a further chance anyway.However, I wish you luck and understand you have a tough time ahead.
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