A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My partner lears and smiles at other attractive women in my presenceMy partner and I are generally very happy together and I really couldnt ask for a more loving, caring and supportive man - he is a real brick in times of hardship - he is also a really good communicator when it comes to issues of the heart or anything else and I feel bad that I have this one complaint about him.But he just cant help but stare, smile, look up and down and make it obvious when he fancies someone. The worse thing about it is, when these women see him smile at them (and yes its usually him that smiles first) they encourage it and look smug with themselves and I find it really degrading and disrespectful when I am with him. Why cant he just do it when I am not there? Anyway, the icing on the cake was when we went to the doctors and there was a girl there (not wearing very much) and he couldnt take his eyes off her - I was unwell at the time and felt heartbroken. This problem is eating away at me because I feel I am not enough for him even though he is quite reassuring in that way. However, we are unable to have a sexual relationship at the moment (and havent really had one for a few months because of my illness) and this makes me feel even worse about the whole thing.Its come to the point where I dread going out with him.Any suggestions on how to deal with this will be appreciated.Thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy partner is quite attractive and there hasnt been one single woman who hasnt lapped up the attention he's given them! I should really try to appreciate the fact that he is attractive and that when this is happening I should just think he's with me - seems like a stupid game though. Anyway thank you again for your help.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (20 April 2007):
 It is just common courtesy that you are asking for I can't understand why he doesn't see that he is being rude and disrespectful. He also should know that many women do not like to be leered at so he is being discourteous to them as well as yourself. I'd let the dust settle but if he keeps this nonsense up I'd have another CALM discussion with him in the future. I have my fingers crossed for you maybe he'll wise up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your advice, I really appreciate it. I do think my partner is being disrespectful but Im not sure its worth breaking up over - he obviously isnt capable of changing, but having said that, there are occasions when he goes out of his way not to stare and catch someones eye but it never lasts.
Ive spoken to him about it and he says does it because he sees no harm in it or he completely denies it. I dont think there's much else I can do. Thanks again for your time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have confronted my partner every now and then since we have been together. I even remember our first date, his eyes were all over the place - im not even unattractive - of course I didnt say anything then but I knew he was a bit of a rover so decided not to see him again. But he pursued me and the rest was history.
I confronted him about this particular incident last night and he blew his top - just as I suspected.
He said he couldnt be doing with it all and wanted to end the relationship but then calmed down and was ok and understanding about my feelings and that I am not well. However, I ended up apologising for accusing him because I dont want to lose him.
He said its no big deal looking at other women (I dont think he realises quite how much hes doing it - its as though he looks out for every pretty girl around, he never misses one!) and that he's always here for me (he hardly ever goes anywhere without me) and he will do anything for me. So I guess its just a case of me putting up with it or do the same to him but im past the age of game playing.
I think I just need to build up my self esteem and perhaps he wont be so interested in others but its quite difficult when your health is not in order.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (19 April 2007):
You need to discuss this with HIM. my bad
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (19 April 2007):
You need to discuss this with you. It is a definite form of disrespect. He's a big boy, he CAN refrain from doing this whenever he's with you. He might end up with a black eye if he's so obvious about his ogling. I hope he shapes up especially since you are a bit under the weather at the moment. Don't take it it too much to heart, he comes home with you or to you.
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A
female
reader, chachacha +, writes (18 April 2007):
Have you told him (a) that you have noticed him doing this and (b) how it makes you feel?
If you haven't told him, he might not know, and if you tell him, he might stop, or at least have a discussion so you can understand why he does it.
It's quite a different matter if you have told him and he's still doing it either just to piss you off, or wilfully without caring about your feelings.
My understanding is that blokes do like to look at women (or men if they're gay) and can do that without thinking of them as relationship material, just as sexual objects. So your feelings of not being enough for him are probably not right - but ask! he's the one who knows the answers, not us!
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