A
female
age
36-40,
*adaergd
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half now, and we've been living together nine months. I love him dearly and he is a really good guy but I don't know what to do. On one hand, I'm thinking "maybe this guy isn't for me." and then the other is "there's something wrong with me and I need to own up to my irresponsibility." I come from a family of three girls, me being the youngest and I suppose that is where my quick to scream problem comes from. I do believe this is an issue because I am a 22 year old adult and shouldn't be screaming my head off, so I am working on it. Also, I always feel the need to walk out of the room to get away from the argument, so I am trying to work on that. I used to be an mentally abusive relationship of 5 years and the last year is when the guy started doing more than just "flirting openly with a girl." I got out of that about 3 years ago and well. This current guy is 26 years old, he has a bachelors in Business and Marketing, and he's also very serious but very logical and realistic. He can loosen up once and when we're alone just relaxing, but most of the time it's hard to get him to show his playful side. He also told me going into the relationship that he is not an affectionate person and that it's always been a problem in his relationships. OF COURSE this is becoming a bother with me, yet I was warned, so I try hard to not demand too much affection and find it from him in other ways. Lately though, I've been having a stressful life, and I've been feeling like I get disappointed by everyone and that everyone just seems to be out to get what they want rather than caring about another, so you could say I'm getting pretty pessimistic lately. So -- that has brought about night after night of arguments for a week. We had a huge built up discussion on Sunday to the point that I got myself quite worked up. The conclusion of the argument was that I need to work on myself on my own before this relationship falls through. That was three days ago, but I am still rather mopey over it. I feel like everything is my fault and that I have some sort of mental illness or depression or something that I just want to hurt my relationship to see if he'll stay through thick and thin. Maybe. I can't tell. I used to be bulimic and I used to try to hurt myself when I was 15 years old, but not after that. I have come along way from thinking of suicide as the first option to dealing with any big upsetting episode in my life but I know that I can be self-destructive. I have a tendency to overanalyze and well. I can be a bit messy. He is organized, very mature, plans EVERYTHING and serious. And I'm just laidback, childish to a degree of it not affecting my work or career in general -- more so I am almost never caught without a smile on my face (except when doing dishes -- BUT HEY, I'm not alone!) I plan to a minimal of what is needed. Okay we're going to Indiana? Okay we need to know where we'll stay, how much in gas we'll need, and if we have enough spending money. He'll have the entire iternary planned out. A lot of our friends call us the "ying and the yang" because we're just completely opposite, but yet somehow we work -- or atleast we did, which is why I'm here now because we're broken. He's been acting hunky dorey these past three days and I'm just sulking in self-pity. I don't know what I need from this site, I suppose a few words of inspiration or just a different perspective.His biggest complaints on me are that:1. I lose his stuff/don't do what he asks.2. Gets on me about small stuff like I just killed his mother (leaving the lid off a shampoo bottle/not squeezing the toothpaste to the top/not doing the dishes/doing the laundry.) I think I do a decent job on cleaning, and if anything -- he is a pretty messy person too. He's organized, don't get me wrong, but he also has a desk full of papers and EVERYTHING in no order and it's just one huge clutter and just stacked on each other.3. Being "self-destructive." I feel like he knows my past so he really uses it against me in situations. He's called me beautiful, but other than that -- I really don't know what he sees in me or how we managed to stay together this long. I feel like he's nitpicking on me alot and for every ten negatives he has to say, he'll say something positive if at all. My Mother and I talked about this and she basically had to say "You knew he was like this at the beginning of the relationship; it's why you fell in love with him."Which it's true. The way that he was attracted him to me a lot. He gives me that bit of structure in my life that I need. I don't know, maybe this is just a rock in the road, and maybe I'm just having a self-pity party. But. He told me he thinks that I am miserable today and I just don't know what to do. I just want to sit in my room and cry. I haven't been happy at all these past three days since the argument and I tried to talk to him about it this morning, because I told him I feel like I am a horrible person and that he thinks I am just a very miserable girl. He said his nitpicking isn't meant to be negative, but just that he doesn't like having things messy. I'm so confused on what to do or how to get out of this funk. He said that if things don't change, with me screaming/being insecure/getting my feelings hurt "so easily" then we will break up. Also, he has said that every 3 months we do this. Where we are good then suddenly for a week or two we are awful and we're fighting every night.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 May 2011):
 I don't think you're happy with this man. How can you be when he doesn't accept you for who you are? Alright, no one should be screaming their head off during an argument. But do you think of yourself as someone who is easily hurt? Espeially when he sounds like he's good at making people feel low about themselves? He tells you ten negatives and then just maybe one positive, and he never tells you why he is with you, if he cares for you.
You were warned that he wasn't affectionate. Well you didn't understand the full meaning of that until now. So next time you meet someone, and they say they are not affectionate, you will know to clear away from them. You can accept him for who he is, and you can't ever change him. But you must also accept that you have needs, and affection is one of those needs.
You really do not sound happy with him. Maybe you worked for a while, but now you have gotten to know each other better, and it's not really working any more. I found this happens alot after being together for one year, or a year and a half. That's when all of my relationships has broken down, and each time I go hoping it might last longer. Because me personally, I know that after a year and a half I am aware if we are a good match or not. Not sooner than that. When a year or a year and six months has passed, and the relationship sucks, don't walk around hoping it will get better, because it wont.
Don't think of this as you not being good enough for him. You learned a lot about yourself from this, you know you need to be calmer in an argument and not scream, you know to not leave the room (although I recommend that if you have an anger issue, it is way better to leave the room to calm down than to stay and scream. Just as long as you have explained this to your partner and come back in a calmer state and ready to talk). You have also learned that you need affection and positive feedback. You also need someone who's not uptight, but willing to accept a bit of a mess every now and then. You also need someone who is willing to let you do things your way, and not always his way (like the shampoo bottles or toothpaste, him being controlling over those things is a sign of being compulsive. It really doesn't matter what way you use the toothpaste you know).
You decide for yourself, but take this time now to judge whether or not you think there are more compatible men out there for you. And whether or not this is something you are willing to live with for years to come, or whether or not he is justified in saying you are "too easily hurt" when he's the one who puts you down and hardly ever gives a sign of affection.
A last point is that if you have to ask, it is probably over already, in your mind and heart.
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