A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 25. We've been together for about 2.5 yrs now. Im muslim and he's not too religious, but since his father is Jewish, he tends to identify as a Jew. Anyways, we were friends before we began dating, but when we got serious, we knew that there was no way this could work because my family would never accept him. So, we decided that if he "fake" converts, he can meet my family and tell them that he's muslim so that they can accept him. He's done his conversion and has made good friends with religious members at the mosque. I really love him and I want him to be a part of my life. I'm not too religious either, but my parents have religious and cultural expectations from me. I want to be with this guy and i know that him going through the process of converting is difficult and takes a lot of time out his day. But, at the same time, I feel like I might lose him because of all the pressure I've put on him. I'm not too cultural or religious, but my family is and I hate it when my mom/dad put restrictions on me about what I can do, wear, or go out. I share all of these things with him because he's the only one who understands. But, sometimes, I feel like he gets tired of hearing it and wants nothing to do with it. I know he loves me more for my personality than my looks. I've even told him that he doesn't has to go through any of this and he can just find himself a nice looking girl who doesn't have religious restrictions on her. But, he gets very defensive and angry when I say that. Am I putting a lot on his plate? Sometimes he tells me that he wishes I could appreciate him more. I'm also very clingy because I dont know if my parents will ever give me a chance to find someone on my own. Am I being selfish or just overly clingy or just not appreciative at all?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 July 2014):
 It does not seem you have many restrictions though, if you are dating ?! That's still something rather unusual even for the most Westernized , third generation Muslim girls , those who dress Western style, drive, work, study , practice sports etc.etc. same as any of their peers. Dating for fun, ( and for 2.5 years too , so far ) is far from a given and it would sound totally extraneous to your parents' cultural and religious expectations. Or, do you mean that none of your family has even the remotest inkling that you are seeing somebody, and you have just been fibbing and keeping the secret and sneaking around their back for 2.5 years ?... Wow. Well, even so, apparently your personal freedom has not been much restricted , if you do manage to meet him regularly and in private ...
Anyway , I'd say you have to make up your mind once for all and stop potentially wasting so much of your bf's time.
You say you " don't know " if ever you'll be allowed to choose your own husband : Well, you SHOULD know by now , don't you ? If you have no idea yet , ( based on what has happened with your sisters / cousins / relatives so far ), it would be your moral duty to find it out for sure : is your family going to accept the partner whom you'll introduce them as long as he is Muslim, or will they reserve to themselves the duty and privilege of CHOOSING your husband, the traditional way ?. And if this last is their plan and expectation, will you be strong enough, determined enough, independent enough to oppose them and stand your ground ?...
If you know the answer is " No " or, " Uhm, dunno, much probably not ", pardon my French, but what you are doing to this guy is selfish and cruel. Making him go through the sham of a " fake " conversion ( SO disrespectful ! both to the Muslim community, and to that poor Jewish dad... ) , having him go through all the lenghty process ... for a love that you know or suspect you can't ever make official... you are stringing him along. Yes yes, your are putting forward your disclaimers :" you don't have to do that " " You should find yourself another girl "... because you want to be reassured that no, he WANTS to do this, because he loves you and wants to be with you. And I bet he does,... but is he fully aware and informed that it may very well all be for nothing... because you could possibly end up marrying , say, your second cousin as per your parents ' wishes ?!
You say you are clingy because , basically, you don't know how much this can last before you are forced to release your grip,- isn't this quite selfish ?... you get 6 months, 12 months, 18 months more with him,... and what does he get ? A big waste of time, a broken heart and broken trust , and maybe several missed chances to meet and be with someone he could actually build a life with ?...
After 2.5 years, would not it be about time to find out once for all which are exactly your parents ' "expectations " in terms of your marriage ?...And , in case they include arranging your marriage, either to disabuse your parents of the notion they will be able to do that- or, if you are going to conform to ther expectations,... disabuse your bf of the notion you two will be able to do what you want ??
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2014): I'll be honest here. You both need to act like the adults you are and decide who you're living your life for. You may not be together for the rest of your lives, but I disagree strongly with lying to the parents who raised you and have loved you for your entire life, not just 2.5 years.
I hope your relationship works out; I really do, but don't lie to your parents. They will be so hurt when they find out you lied and I guarantee they'll wish you had told them the truth from the beginning rather than lose their trust now.
I understand how it can be so frustrating and even frightening the potential consequences of dating outside your religion, but people do it a lot and it doesn't justify lying to your parents unless they are very old, very ill and will die in the next couple of weeks - something that I hope is incredibly far from the truth.
Your parents could kick you out and refuse to talk to you ever again, but you're an adult now and it's time to be independent, if the situation calls for it. Be honest and don't lie if it's the "easy" way out because you should appreciate your boyfriend by accepting who he is and not allowing him to pretend to be someone else.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (26 July 2014):
 I think what he's doing is very sweet and he obviously loves you very much to do that. He wouldn't go through all of that if he didn't want to.
I say you should just relax and recognize what a good guy you have. Not many people would be willing to do that just for a relationship. As for your family being restrictive of you - I recognize how this must be hard. My gf's mother is Muslim and she is atheist lol. Her mom is extremely conservative and she is very liberal. Point being that she lives under the same strict rules and lifestyle that you live with. She struggles greatly with it. It's hard for her to balance pleasing her mom and also making herself happy. She's adopted more of a westernized view of the world, while her mom still maintains a very middle eastern mentality. So they clash and she's constantly trying to make her mom happy at the expense of herself.
Anyway, I hope all works out with you and your boyfriend. I do hope you recognize how much he clearly loves you. And so for you to tell him that he should just leave you for someone less work is hurtful for him to hear. After all, he wants to do this for you. So hearing you suggest he find another girl is upsetting. He just wants you.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2014): I can't tell you what to do and you need to take all advice given here with a grain of salt. My opinion is that religion shouldn't be taken too seriously and it shouldn't run or ruin your life which it seems to be doing in your case. We should try to be the best we can and treat other people well. It shouldn't come between you and good people you want to keep in your life, whether it be as a bf, husband or a friend. I also have a question: if you're not sure if you want him to be your bf why are you asking him to convert? Good luck.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 July 2014):
 He has put effort and gone a long way, only to hear you say go find someone else. No wonder why he got angry. Let him vent. When a person vents, often it's not to say he wants to give up. It's an attention seeking thing with an hidden need to feel acknowledged and appreciated. He will feel appreciated if you become just as religious as he is. Go deep into your roots and don't just treat your religion as an annoyance or something to appease your parents.
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