A
male
age
41-50,
*oogie4
writes:After 3 years, my woman now says she is too tired or has a headache, etc...something always to put off sex. It used to be off the hook. We used to do it twice a day....Now she takes trips without me, works late everyday, won't hang with me on the weekends, and travels home (3 hours away) to hang with her "cousins". Per facebook I happen to know this is true...but who knows what else takes place over a weekend, feel me??Anyway, I don't think she's seeing another guy, but I'm not ruling it out either. When I ask if she still wants me (as a BF), she says "I don't know...I don't know how to feel better. I don't know what to do about you, work, myself..." To all of the ladies out there, please tell me what this means! Is she definitely seeing someone else? Or is her case (depression, work, weight gain) really the case? And if those other 3 factors were the case, why won't she open up and talk about it with me? She's very quick to change the subject or say "I don't wanna discuss it."That doesn't sound right between two regular people who like sex, you know? After 3 years??Just so you all know, she recently got a new hair cut, is now buying new underwear and clothes (the underwear she doesn't wear for me) and whenever I approach her about sex she says she's not in the mood. But if you were in a "committed relationship", why WOULDN'T you want to discuss a matter such as sex? She's acting immature about it right now. I'm sure you all here have theories :)However, her claim could very well be true, because she's battling depression, her job is killing her and she has no friends where we live. She's depressed all the time, won't go out with me (or anyone else for that matter) and just sits all wkd. That's why I'm not sure if it's me or not.But my gut is telling me....if she's not paying me any physical attention (and I don't mean just sex, but kissing, hand holding, any type of intimacy she just backs off...) she's giving that attention else where. I have written about her before (the whole match.com thing was me...don't laugh) and maybe I'm being stupid or naive about it. Most of my friends say she's going thru a lot and just wait and see what happens. Others are saying she's playing me and tell me to either question her about it (which I do, and I always get the "I don't know" response) to get a definitive answers on things, and/or just leave. I don't mind leaving but I feel one must leave a relationship knowing exactly WHY it ended (so you grow and don't make the same mistakes later in the next relationship.)How would you all handle this? She's been acting weird now for quite some time (almost 3 weeks since last intimacy.)She says she doesn't know if she wants space or not. Her actions are telling me everything but that though.I'm trying to respect her, because if in fact it is a medical thing, or her job is on her case, I don't want to come off like the bad guy hitting her up just for sex.Should I wait to see if things at work straighten out for her, be the gentleman, or say "Hey, you not giving no sex I have to go." This is hard because I've never been shallow enough to let a woman go just because she had a hard time getting aroused. In my book that's not the reason you leave someone. I made mistakes, which may have caused this whole riff (months ago) but maybe she's just now "getting revenge" or just making me go thru this as punishment?But her behavior is pointing in the exact opposite direction. Thoughts? Everyone, what truly bothers me is not the fact we're not having sex or any intimacy anymore (or lately), it's that she doesn't want to find a way to SOLVE that problem. That's why I'm nervous. Folks hit me up!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2010): Hey there!
First of all, I don't think you're being shallow at all. You are clearly trying to do the right thing in a very difficult situation, where your own needs in a relationship aren't being met. Props for that! You've been really patient.
Secondly, I don't think you're complaining about nothing. Sex is an important part of most relationships, and a vital bonding experience with your partner. Missing it isn't just about missing pleasure, but about missing closeness. While you should never give ultimatums about it, clearly there is something wrong if it's not happening.
However, I would definitely not assume that she is having an affair. It sounds to me like your partner is deeply depressed, and depression is a terrible illness that can wreak havoc with a healthy sex drive. Imagine for a second what it would feel like to have all of the colour, all of the joy, all of the vitality sucked out of life and to feel numbness at best, and despair at worst, unrelieved by any moments of real joy or happiness. That is how truly depressed people feel. It's quite possible that your partner simply feels so dreadful about herself, so utterly worthless in her own eyes, that she cannot face the idea of being naked in front of you, let alone having sex.
So how do you deal with this? She clearly can't pull herself out - you've given her time and space and she's still drowning. So she needs your help. You need a system, a bit of a regime, to pull you both through this and out the other side - and it's going to demand commitment and care, but it will hopefully also bring you closer together. Importantly, this needs to come from a place where the fact that you love her and care about her is stressed - she must not be made to feel a failure!
First, she needs to see a doctor and get put on proper medication, and she needs to stick with the medical process until they find the right drug and the right dose. The problem with antidepressants is that they can take 6 weeks to 2 months to start working, so this is a process that requires patience. She also needs to see a counsellor to talk about the patterns of negative thinking that are reinforcing her illness. Many medical studies show that meds + counselling have the best success rate in tackling this illness. If you can possibly afford it, even by going without some fun things you enjoy, get her some therapy.
While depression is a medical problem, it is worsened by circumstances that leave people feeling helpless and isolated. Again, there are things you can do here. I suggest that you sit down with her and make a list of the concerns that she has, and work out some things you can do together to solve these problems. For instance, you say she's socially isolated in your town. That will really not be helping her to feel sexy! So why not join a club together, where you will meet other people, to do something you both enjoy? It doesn't really matter what you do (pick something she likes and go along with it!), as long as you can hang with likeminded people and make new friends together. Exercise is also important, so maybe you could do this together also, for instance by taking a romantic walk together in the city or the countryside after work, and talking as you go, which will also give you a chance to build closeness too. Once you start doing these things, you may find that she gets enough strength to be able to deal with her horrible job - to get out of there and maybe pursue her dreams a little more and feel a lot more fulfilled.
I also think you need to talk about the issues that are coming between the pair of you personally - and get these sorted. Tit-for-tat destroys relationships: what you both need is to remember why you're together, why you love each other, and why you care about each other's wellbeing. That might mean doing some of the things you used to do when you were first dating to rekindle the spark: going out for dinner, or to a movie, doing little things that show you care, and being generally romantic. Don't expect instantaneous results, but keep trying to build back those bridges, and boost her self-confidence. You'll BOTH be winners. Take care!
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