A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone I think I'm being paranoid about this but just wanted a bit of advice. I've been seeing this guy for the last 2 or 3 months but neither of us want anything serious so we 're just keeping things casual and not telling any of our friends. Problem is I can't help feeling jealous when he talks to our female friends. He's a really friendly flirty guy anyway so I get so paranoid that he'd rather be with them than me. I don't want a serious relationship but i do want to be exclusive. How do I broach the subject without seeming needy or controlling? I don't want to scare him off!
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 May 2013):
 I don't think it will help to be exclusive if you're jealous when he just talks to other women... He's not having sex with them, he's talking to them, and maybe flirting. But you're the one who doesn't want anything serious.
You're NOT cut out for casual relationships. If you want to keep things causal you can't get jealous. So if you're the type to get jealous then you need to stop these casual relationships because you will just get hurt.
Sure, you can have a casual relationship and be exclusive. I call it being exclusive lovers (NOT a relationship, just sex). This notion that it is a form of relationship will confuse you, because it's not a relationship. When casual, you can't depend on him for anything. But even if you are exclusive, you STILL can't go around being jealous.. which I think you will be. After all, you're jealous because he TALKS to other women... It's not that you are jealous because he sleeps with others, you're jealous because he talks to others...
And, if you want to be casual, then what do you really care if he finds someone else? You're supposed to be CASUAL, that means you don't care if he loves you or not, or wants you or not, or finds someone else or not. You're not supposed to care at all. You're casual, so that means if he doesn't want you any longer you don't mind, and will just find someone else to be your new lover.
You being afraid that he will leave you is another good reason for why you can't be in a casual relationship. You care too much. You're not cut out for this. You might tell yourself you want something casual, but the truth is you DON'T want things to be casual. Maybe you want something not serious, but you definitely don't want casual...
Instead I think you ought to find a boyfriend who you aren't serious about and who isn't serious about you. That way you get to be exclusive, he doesn't fool around with anyone else, you can depend on him for a little more "relationship" stuff, and you can still keep it on the low. No introducing him to friends and family, nothing official. But even so, there's still no guarantee he wont leave you for someone else. If you're the type who wants a man who doesn't leave her, then you're the type who needs a SERIOUS relationship that will head towards marriage.
I think you need to make up your mind about what you want. Do you want a man who only has eyes for you, only wants you, and wont leave you? If so, enter an official and serious relationship that will head towards marriage.
If you're just looking for some fun while still focusing on your studies/career, yet want some degree of dependability, enter an exclusive, yet non-serious relationship that is bound to be short-term, yet still might last for at least a few months or up to a year.
If you just want sex then find a lover. But then you can't be getting jealous. You might still be exclusive, but to be sure: it wont last long because he will fall in love with a woman and want to be with her, while you were just for sex. So when he does find someone else, you will need to find a new lover.
Or, do what you seem to be doing at the moment... be "casual" with a guy who probably sleeps with others too while it makes you insecure, and then risk getting an STD from him. At least be sure to always use a condom.
Oh, and to concretely answer your question: you just tell him you want to be exclusive. Because you find it to be the best when it comes to avoiding drama and STD's. If he wants to sleep with someone else, or make out with someone else, he's free to do so, but then the arrangement with you will stop. Because having several casual relationships just creates drama, and you don't want to be part of that.
A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (2 May 2013):
 I don't think you're being honest with yourself when you say you don't want a serious relationship. Are you going along with it because that's what he wants and you don't want to lose him?
If you are just seeing each other casually then you have to accept that he will go with other girls and there's not much you can do about it. If you want more you will have to be straight with him. If he doesn't want the same thing then you'll have to break up with him.
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