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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi, I'm 22 and have been dating this really great guy (23) for ten months. Things for the most part have been wonderful, we moved in together 3 months ago and have been really happy. I really do beiieve he is my soul mate, and I know he loves me. I am really confused at the moment though, because even though he talks about us gettng married after we graduate college and spending the rest of our lives together he is sending me mixed signals. Most days he is warm, caring and affectionate, but other days he acts as though i am the most annoying person on earth. When we get into agruments he completely attacks my personality and character. He resorts to name calling such as 'bitch' and 'slut,' the two words he knows i hate. He refuses to sit and talk things out and always alludes to breaking up, when the argument starts to escalate. Whenever I initiate sex he either turns me down or it is short and unsatisfying, yet when he initiates it (once a week) the sex is incredible.So my question is....why is he being so hot and cold with me? One day he is telling me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and the next he cant stand the sight of me. I know we are young and I am always the one saying lets just take it one day at a time, because I want to get my career started and travel the world before settling down. I am having a hard time beliving his feelings for me are true because of the way he treats me. I dont think he knows what he wants, he says I'm the best thing that ever happened to him..but I'm starting to think he has multiple personality disorder...I dont want to break up with him so any suggestions on how to get inside his mind would be greatly appreciated:)
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female
reader, ELEONORA +, writes (21 June 2006):
Okay.This sitution must be really confusing to you as it was for me when I read.However, I`ll try to help as much as I can for I can imagine how awful you may be feeling.First of all and as you already acknowledged your guy doesn`t really know what he wants most of the times but I should add that I got a sense while I was reading carefully your letter that because you love him,you are a stable, sensitive and romantic person -and in your attempt to bring this wishful stability in your relationship too- you pay too,too much attention and energy on him and he has started realizing it too!So my first advice to you would be:to stop doing this because the guy has started taking you for granted because he senses that because you love him so much you have become depended on him!The second thing that I would advise you to do is to add some mystery in your relationship and to totally change your attitude-that would mean that for some time(you would judge how much tima-I would say for as long as it takes)you should do the following:first:you won`t pay any attention to the changes in his mood,perhaps become `mysteriously indifferent` about it,second:be as pleasant as a company as possible by avoiding discussing with him about anything negative that could cause a quarrel and give him the cause to continue the argument or the quarrel too.Thirdly:don`t give him yourself sexually so easily!He has taken you for granted there too!Avoid for some time the sex with him, make him wonder:why?why is she acting like this? and only when he comes to a point when he will begging you for this `act` accordingly.To summarize:I think this guy has taken you for granted because you showed that you are emotionally depended on him!You didn`t create any mystery,you `keep on opening your cards` to him(which is normal since you love him but he does not seem to be the guy who appreciates so much love.I also think that he is beginning to lose his mental attraction which was the first thing that led him to you in the first place due to this.And when a guy like him begins to lose his mental attraction I fear that eventually he loses his physical attraction too...So, maybe these contradictory signals that he is sending you is a sign that you must change the whole attitude you have had so far towards him for he has started not to appreciate you because he has taken you so much for granted that there is not left any more mystery for him to discover.No matter what and if you love him follow these tactics and don`t `break` them.Your guy is not the guy who wants such a dependend emotionally on him woman.-I hope that I have helped and I wish that by doing these things the situation between you and him will improve for the better.
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