A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 40 years old and about to marry an amazing man. We both have had small issues to work through and I feel we have really done this right. We are getting married in 8 weeks and had a huge wrench thrown into the situation this week. His 18 year old pregnant "Foster" daughter with whom he has had zero contact with in the past 7 years has tracked him down and has a whole lot of issues. She now wants to move halfway across the country and live with him/us. I see total disaster and he says he won't do it either but she isn't stopping the pursuit of trying to guilt him and make him feel responsible. His ex kicked her out for a physical attack on her and honestly I don't want the problems going into our marriage. Any advice would be appreciated!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): A Freeloader??This girl is 18, sexually irresponsible and WILL cause problems in your new marriage.Talk to your future husband ernestly. Set rules and do not break them. You both have to make decisions together or this 18 year old will work you both against each other.Where has she been all this while?? You know nothing about her (except she has a violent nature if provoked???)Big trouble looming if you do not sort out the issues now.I feel for the troubled girl, but sometimes we all need to steer clear of trouble.Please remember: no good deed goes unpunished.LoveGirl
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): Just no. She's an adult and apparently a whole storm of trouble too. She can sort out her own problems.
An abusive, high strung, pregnant teenager is the perfect thing to put an irreparable strain on your marriage.
I wholly disagree with the first female anon poster. Don't get involved at all. She's not family, they're not even friends, he washed his hands of her a long time ago. She is stupid to think she can rely on him because she's a thing of the past to him.
People might think I'm cruel for saying all that but she needs to sort her own life out, she has a million options other than your fiancé and if she can't even sort that out then how the hell is she going to take care of a baby.
Anyway none of these things are things either of you should worry about. She has to reconcile with his ex and that's all there is to it.
Something tells me that's more than possible but she wants the easy way out. She wants you both to take care of her and her child while she shirks all responsibility. Well tough, she needs to learn that you can't just treat one person like crap and the go off in a huff and get someone else to sort it out. The best thing your fiancé can do is let her learn that on her own. She has to bite the bullet, and go home and sort this out. She's just in a strop at the moment and thinks she can get away without having to apologize, change her behaviour and start being responsible.
DO NOT get involved in any way or she'll always come running to you, she will bleed you both dry. Running away never solved anything she needs to learn that if she's going to have any chance at being a good parent.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): From what I can tell your partner isn't doing anything wrong. He has agreed with you and said he won't let her move in either. So I'm struggling to see the problem here. He can't control her behaviour.
Do you suspect that he'll cave in and eventaully agree to her demands? Have you got good reason to suspect that? Or are you worrying that your wedding day won't be perfect if you're thinking about that? If so and it's bothering you that much then maybe consider postponing your marriage unitl this is sorted.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): Hi
I think you are right to be a little worried. She is 18 so we are not talking needy child...but an adult who needs to get herself ready for her own child..old enough to live independantly...you could try and set a flat up before hand...housing benefit if needs be...if she is unemployed ...get the paper work before hand and post it to her....get her to make arrangements before she up roots.
You are just getting married and you will find things very strange if she moves in and with a new baby...it will become a long living arrangement...guilt trips etc...
Seriously you both need to do some talking before she is on your doorstep with knowhere to go.....by all means live in saame town with contact but live seperate....
It's one of those situations where you need to act fast...and get her to act fast...and find accomodation for her and baby. This is not selfish ...this is seeing what lies ahead and changing it for the good of ALL concerned.
spunky monkey
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