A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My Dad died two months ago. I flew home for his funeral at the beginning of a trip for our 25th Wedding Anniversary. My brother took forever to get home for his funeral, I was home before he was - and I came home from Europe. My brother is suffering from cancer and has a personality disorder, so we all kind of swept his unusual behavior under the rug. He had an operation shortly before Christmas, and he is facing chemotherapy now. Two days before Christmas, he told his wife and two grown sons, 21 and 23, that he was leaving to spend the holidays with his girlfriend. My mother was left to spend Xmas with my sister-in-law and her two grandsons, and my other sibling is spending the holidays at an island resort. I am so angry that after all we have been through these past few months, he chose to ruin everyone else's holiday for his own selfish needs, even IF he is going through a rough time. He apparently had been carrying on the affair for years and could have chosen to leave at a better time over a three year period. This was going to be a hard Xmas to get through without my Dad anyway, now this! There are now eight people left behind whose Christmas was ruined. There are even more members of the family that don't even know (they are on vacation). He didn't even bother to tell call me on Christmas or tell me himself! I also sent gifts to everyone, thinking it would be a nice holiday treat for my family and didn't even hear from anyone except my Mother and the the family that he left behind! Right now I honestly don't even feel that a family! In a small sense, it's a good thing that my Dad didn't live to see the way that he has been behaving. I guess that a small blessing. I have NO idea how to deal with this anger. I can't get over how selfish he is, and believe me, I am well aware that he is ill and that he has always had a diminished mental capacity because of his personality disorder. But to treat everyone that he loves so badly really infuriates me. Do I believe that he just doesn't love any of us at this point? How do I deal with this? I can't believe that I could forgive how he has treated all of us considering how infuriated I am with him right now. He has always demanded sympathy and understanding, he's kind of a high maintenance, prima-donna type, and it really has never been reciprocated. I have always had to maintain the contact between us and place the phone calls and foot the bills in order to keep up a relationship with him. I feel like I have been mortally wounded for the second time this year. I don't have a clue what to say to this woman that he will eventually want us to meet! How do I deal with all of the loss, the grief and the betrayal and get to being able to forgive him without giving up another piece of my heart?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Dr. John, for taking the time to give me your advice. It's hard to see somethings clearly when you are stuck in the middle of the situation.
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reader, Dr. John  +, writes (30 December 2007):
 Even if he was at full mental capacity it would be completely possible for him to exibit this behavior.
When the human mind is put under such stresses as his, it is not unlikely that his brain's circuit breakers have started blowing.
Different people react differently to these sorts of things.
One person may be able to take it all in stride whereas another may just go into complete shock and become completely unresponsive.
It seems that he is somewhere in the middle. Like he is trying to place all the problems off in the distance as if they don't exist.
If this is indeed the case it is something he cannot control and he needs professional help.
The problem is that he will need to admit, especially to himself, that he has a problem and needs help.
I know this doesn't make it much easier for you to accept but hopefully having this insight will help. Doc
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