A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 2 years and I just broke up because I can't see him sexually and have no sexual attraction to him. After a few days of being miserable, we talked and he said he was willing to consider a structured open relationship, which is what I was leaning towards but he couldn't handle back when it came up. We're really, really close and would remain friends in any case, but the thing is that the ONLY issue was the sex one. I'm young and not willing to commit to a sexless relationship, but I do love him in every other way and in a way I don't love other friends, even my best friend. His openness to this idea now makes me cautious because of his earlier objections, and we don't want to do anything if we're just being reactionary because of the pain of the break up. So this is all theoretical at this point.We're both going to take some time to look at how we really feel about this. I have no problem separating sex and love (quite the opposite). Our plan, if we decide to give it a try, would be to give our love and friendship ABSOLUTE primacy over anything else, which we'd be totally honest about. Neither of us are actively looking for sex. And boundaries like, no secondary people in our respective apartments/beds because that's our territory. Trust would be essential.This is the last chance we have to make something work before we give up and go the purely friends and not partner route. If we try it and it doesn't work, it would dissolve into that anyway. We even plan that we would write things up contractually!Thoughts? Is this a bad idea, or worth a shot? Can you think of any boundaries that it would be a good idea to set? Neither of us are religious or have ethical objections to this kind of arrangement.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, you're probably all right. It's unfortunate that some people are unable to respond without personal attacks, but that's just because they're awful people inside and can only see bad in others. There is some but not much hope for people like that. It is very hurtful, and hopefully someday you will understand that it is wrong to get off on hurting people and power-tripping like that. Oh well. You probably never will.
I'll scrap the open relationship idea. My thirty year old boyfriend is clearly a child who needs to have decisions made for his own good. But really, on reflection, I don't think it's a good idea. It came up because we were both hurting and trying to bandage the wound. He deserves someone who actually has a sex drive (ie isn't on necessary medications that make that impossible). I want him to be happy. I think it's sad that some people can't understand love existing without sex. But there. I'll try to rise above the answerers and be the better person. My ex will remain my ex.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (5 April 2009):
I actually think that open relationships can work to a certain extent...
But I don't really think it will work in your case.
He is going to feel like his heart has been ripped out the first time he even thinks you've had sex with someone else.
You aren't having sex with eachother so you are pretty much promising to be his best friend with the benefit of cuddles.
How is he going to go on knowing you still will never want him.
I think this will probably work as a temporary thing but he will still try and prevent you from going out with other guys. If he is your first priority and he turns round and says he wants to go out to the cinema when you have a date with another guy, it's going to be hard for you to meet anyone else for sex.
In the end, you are going to realise that this is not an open relationship but just friendship in everything but name. You or he will meet someone else and break it off.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2009): Not only this is a bad idea, it is stupid. Think of what you just said, you are young and are not willing to do without a sexless relationship. Well so is he young and not willing to do without sex.
If you two aren't mutually attracted to each other in a sexual way, then what you have is a friendship. The sexual bond is what makes you partners and lovers and romantic partners it is the differentiating factor.
And I think this would be cruel to him as well, and if you are this possessive over him (which is really what you are proposing here,,, you doon't want him but you don't want anyone else to have him either) you are going to resent him dating and sleeping with other girls, and he is just going to be hurt.
I think you should break it off with him completely and let him find someone else and you do the same.....and after a few months, possibly you could pick your friendship back up.
You are trying to get him to settle for the crumbs you want to give him, and I can bet with 100% accuracy that you are just using him until someone better and more attractive to you comes along.
You are using him as an emotional crutch against loneliness, and that would be fine if you are both over each other and willing to be just friends, but it seems this relationship is keeping you both from finding what you truly want....a romantic relationship and all that entails.
It won't work, don't over think it, you are just using semantics to get around the facts.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (5 April 2009):
 In my opinion, your boyfriend feels that the only way he can keep you is consent to your finding sexual relief with someone else. This isn't something he would agree to if he were not desperate not to lose you. I am afraid that many problems will come to you two if you do opt for having sex with someone else.
I find it curious that you love him yet can't be sexually attracted to him. I know it can happen, but I wonder if it can happen to someone who is not yet 22 years old. Love between a man and a woman usually involves sexual attraction, too. Love between friends usually excludes sexual relationships. Are you sure you do see him as a partner or boyfriend, not as a friend?
My opinion is that you should rather break up with him. It will break his heart, but it's the lesser evil. He will be in even greater pain if you sleep with someone else while you're "officially" with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2009): No matter how many precautions you take and how safe and diplomatic you try to make it, THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA. I promise you, this will be the kiss of death for your relationship, and the start of a whole new can of worms that will need sorting out.You know, some people decide to just END the relationship when they lose sexual attraction. For me, I see it as a sypmtom that the relationship has run it's course and it's time to move on. I can still love and care for that man as a friend etc., but if I am not romantically interested, how is it even still a relationship? How is your relationship different from a normal friendship?Why not cut your losses and move on? Then, you and him are both free to get involved with other people in a legit, monogamous way. There is nothing stopping you from remaining his friend and keeping in touch with him etc. But I can assure you, opening up a relationship out of frustration, loss of desire etc. and using it as the last resort to try and revive the relationship or plug up any holes in what you have already is asking for trouble. I think it would be better to end this one, start fresh with someone new and make a clean break.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (5 April 2009):
 If you love this person then you won't drag him through this. It will end up breaking his heart to know you are off with other men and you will both resent each other. He may always hope you change your mind and come back to him completely. From your side of the fence, he is your safety blanket...your best friend who will be there regardless of the outcome of sexual encounters with other people. He may think this is what he wants right now as it gives him hope that the relationship may work out, but it is almost cruel to him really. As for you, if you don't feel attracted to him then it is time to leave the relationship to either be single or find someone who gives you what you are looking for. He needs to find someone who loves him in everyway too, and if you love him as you say then you would like him to be happy.
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