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age
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writes: Thankyou if you read this. I have been with my partner for nearly two years now and she is the best thing thats happened to me. However, we are both 17 and we cant wait to get our own life started.Really I am looking for personal advice rather than relationship advice.Its gotten to the stage where we would both be comfortable if we moved in together, Is that such a crime at our age? My partners parents seem elated that we should wait until 21 for a baby and that, but we have secretly been trying for one. We are both very mature for our ages and we want to start our own family, have our own home. We are both in further education and with no money income, do I stick it out and then get a job? Or do i quit and find full time employment (which seems impossible)and begin moving it along? Or what ?I would really appreciate help with this. All I want is to have a family and a nice home. Whats the quickest but most efficient way?Uncle B
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female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (19 January 2010):
 To A reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010)
You said:
"Ok, first of all, both of you are 17, therefore LEGALLY still minors in the UK."
Age of consent in England is 16.
***
You are correct that the age of consent in the UK is 16. This is for sexual intercourse only.
LEGALLY children are still minors until they hit 18.
This is the age you OFFICIALLY become an adult.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2010): what you see is Celtic Tiger is talking from the statistics of people in your circumstance.
The anonymous reply is speaking from what is called an outlier. If you don't know that is some thing that doesn't fit the norm. Something that falls far from it in fact. Often people who are outliers are vocal against the norms because their direct experience contradicts the norm. But at the end of the day YOU are more likely to be closer the the norm than to end up being an outlier.
Bottom line statistically you are more likely to be better off materially if you wait, I won't argue the heart and soul. If you finish school, then marry, then have kids you, are according to statistics - meaning taking everyone into account - much much much more likely to not be in the poverty class ever in your life. Which subsequently means your kids won't grow up in poverty either. Now poverty in the US and UK is nothing like poverty in much of the world - but still? I mean poverty? It doesn't sound attractive to me.
I am married with two kids and the wife and I have our degrees and we make decent money. We live on a budget but it is a nice budget. We eat out occasionally and enjoy cable TV and have a dog which we can provide food and medical care for. We have car, house, life, and medical insurance which means that while if something bad happens, while it would be bad, I can sleep at night knowing that everything will be OK. If I don't wake up, my wife will get enough money from my life insurance to take care of herself and the kids for a good long while. My point is that I am an example of the normal in the statistics. I work hard and look foward to my vacations and in the meantime I sometimes buy a Starbucks coffee, take the wife out for her birthday and know that my kids aren't going to die of a fever. My wife and I wanted to get married in college but waited because my father advised it. He himself did not and it took him much more long hard work to get where I am now. Many many years to make the money I'm making, enjoy the nicer house and cars and such. He said to me, "Son, if you really love each other you'll make it either way. You might as well wait a little while and go the way that leads to a better life".
So are you, like so many other people or 'our' generation going to shrug off wisdom and try to have what you want right now? OR are you seriously mature enough to look at the future and say in the end this will *MORE LIKELY* be better and wait?
Something I read recently may apply here - You can have anything you want in life if you're willing to go slow enough.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): And secondly i think celtic tiger is absolutly both right and wrong. I want to ammend things by her.
"Ok, first of all, both of you are 17, therefore LEGALLY still minors in the UK."
Age of consent in England is 16.
"You are not adults, you cannot vote, legally buy alcohol, you probably cannot drive yet,"
Completely True =]
"and really have no conception of what the adult world is all about yet. Bills, money worries, all sorts of mundane everyday issues, which at 17, you have no idea even exist."
You do not know that. Im 18 and know about work, bills, tax, raising children ect! I also know Direct Debits, Standing Orders ISA's ect...you cant presume on this website as everyone is an individual!!
"Right, you want a nice home, a family? This IS NOT ever going to happen if you quit school at 17, and go and get a full time job."
My mother finished school at 15 and gave me a brilliant life in a nice home via her own wage! Reword.."This MIGHT not..."
"You have no hope of securing a well paid position, as you will have no qualifications. In order to get a good job, in a decent career, you need an education."
My dad has no qualifications. Hes now the chairman of a large organisation as well as a manager of a logistics company.
If you get a dead end job, with no prospects, how do you plan on supporting a family for the rest of your life? "Once a family comes along you wont go back into education."...."She wont be able to finish her education. Its very difficult to juggle a baby and study."
My best friend is 19, has a one year old and is pregnant, an excellent loving mother and currently is studying animal management aka THREE A levels!
"Will she want to stay home all day looking after a screaming baby at 18?"
Very true but surely the asker of the question and the girlfriend understands the bad sides!
"Do you like going out? Socialising with friends? Cinema? Would you want to go out clubbing, and just hang out with your mates? Because you can forget all that if you have a child."
Im sure you mentioned in the later post not to go out and spend money!?
"Your friends won't want to hang out with you, and a screaming baby."
Your would be surprised how much more attention you get with a baby! - Bad i know but true!
!I think you are being exceptionally irresponsible if you are activly "trying" to have a child at your age, when you have no money in place to support a baby, no plan of action, no secure home, no prospects."
True True...
"you will also end up sponging off the state, using benefits and handouts, and personally, I actually resent that."
Not always - presuming again!
"Finally, at 17 do you really think this girl is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with."
&
"I hate to be a realist, but at 17, it is very very very unlikely this is the girl you will end up marrying or being with until you die."
Im sure 50- 100 years ago couples married at like 16 and were expected to be at least with child by then! My grandparents married age 18 and their still together to this day and very much in love!! Divorce is more common in couples who marry later in life! aka late 20- early 40's!
"If you have a child with her, you have an obligation for AT LEAST the next 18 years."
Morally - Yes... Legally - No. According to the Children Act 1989 Parental Responsibility lies with the mother in unmarried couples and she has to give the permission to share the parental responsibility. Its morally wrong i know but he is able to walk away if he wanted.
"I know its harsh, and you don't want to hear it, but very few BF/GF relationships last outside of school."
Mines gone past that above and beyond, as has my grandparents!
"I really hope you do the right thing, think this through, and do what is best FOR YOU."
I Agree.
"Also, on a side note, even people with good jobs, earning a reasonable wage cannot afford to buy or rent their own home at the moment."
My partner is on £790 a month and we can easily afford a two bedroomed house...in a nice area as well as bills, tax, food ect.
"The current financial climate is so bad, you would be better off saving your money until you are 21 as your parents suggest and putting the money on a deposit then."
Actually facts show in the UK the Recession is Officially Over.
"As caring guy says this would need to be £25,000 + at least."
Thats buying only, renting is available!
"It will also give you a good idea about how you have to cut back, (no trips out, no socialising, no spending money on alcohol), when you have a child, as every spare bit of cash will be needed to spend on baby things."
Ok so lets encourage them not the have children by not being able to do typical things students do. So your asking a pair of 17-21 year olds to not do anythign for 4 years and then not beign able to do that for the next so many years?...yes thats discouraging.
Sorry but all of those presumptions are very annoying and wont discourage him at all. Honest, open answers should be given on this sight and even at 17, they shouldnt be judged, helped, which you have done but you mainly presumed!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): I can understand what the other aunts and uncles are saying, however i can understand your situation and its easy to feel like that. But as a person your age and wanting the same things i would suggest sticking college out and going to college if your definatly not going to uni.
If you love your partner so much and love these potential children surely you want whats best for them? Im not having a go, but you have to decide who you love more. Yourself ...or your partner and potential children.
I've waited since i was 16 as me and my fiance both want children now. Its took my fiance two years...with no qualifications...to get a job...and hes a care worker and he doesnt want to do that job but hes doing it to start our lives.
I finish college in june and will be beginning a job then as well. Then after about 6 Months we're trying for our first child then because there is a form of income and im elligable for maternity leave...Get my drift?
Just stick college out, then get a job then try...same for her, she will be able to go on maternity leave and there will always be a stable income.
Think about it. Do you love her...and those potential Children.
Becuase i already love mine so much that im holding of what I WANT for them to have a better life when they are here. Its going to happen eventually and im being responsible to making sure it happens at AT LEAST a good ENOUGH time. It's part of being an Adult
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (17 January 2010):
Also, on a side note, even people with good jobs, earning a reasonable wage cannot afford to buy or rent their own home at the moment.
The current financial climate is so bad, you would be better off saving your money until you are 21 as your parents suggest and putting the money on a deposit then. Its only 4 years. You can have done all the education you need by then and have graduated university. Giving you the grounding you need to get a GOOD JOB.
If you and your girlfriend are still together when you are 21, then you have a reasonable chance of lasting for the 18 years needed to raise a child. If you cant stay together for 4 years, then you know that you were not meant to be together. IF you are not together, then you will have saved money to maybe put a deposit on a flat of your own, giving you independance?
I think it will be a good test of matureness, commitment and values. Suggest to your girlfriend that for the next 4 years, you get part time jobs, save your money (no excessive going out, spending on things you dont need etc - really scrimp and save) to get enough for a deposit. As caring guy says this would need to be £25,000 + at least. It will also give you a good idea about how you have to cut back, (no trips out, no socialising, no spending money on alcohol), when you have a child, as every spare bit of cash will be needed to spend on baby things.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (16 January 2010):
Ok, first of all, both of you are 17, therefore LEGALLY still minors in the UK. You are not adults, you cannot vote, legally buy alcohol, you probably cannot drive yet, and really have no conception of what the adult world is all about yet. You think you are mature for your age, but honestly, even at 26 I am still learning about what being an adult is really all about. Bills, money worries, all sorts of mundane everyday issues, which at 17, you have no idea even exist.
I would like to draw your attention to the end of what you have written:
"I would really appreciate help with this. All I want is to have a family and a nice home. Whats the quickest but most efficient way?"
Right, you want a nice home, a family? This IS NOT ever going to happen if you quit school at 17, and go and get a full time job. You have no hope of securing a well paid position, as you will have no qualifications. In order to get a good job, in a decent career, you need an education. Go to college, get your A levels, go to university and explore the world. Further and higher education gives you so many skills, not just an education. You have to learn how to fend for yourself, become independant, and also interact socially with a much wider and diverse group of people.
If you get a dead end job, with no prospects, how do you plan on supporting a family for the rest of your life? Once a family comes along you wont go back into education. It just doesnt happen, as there is too much else to think about.
Also your girlfriend is 17. She has a baby now, that means the next 18 years of her life will be tied to that child. She wont be able to finish her education. Its very difficult to juggle a baby and study. Its even more difficult to juggle a baby and a job. What if the child is sick, who gets to look after it during the day? How do you afford child care if you are out at work? Will she want to stay home all day looking after a screaming baby at 18?
Do you like going out? Socialising with friends? Cinema? Would you want to go out clubbing, and just hang out with your mates? Because you can forget all that if you have a child. You wont be able to afford to go out, as all your money will be going on the baby. Your friends won't want to hang out with you, and a screaming baby. Your social life will become non-existant.
I think you are being exceptionally irresponsible if you are activly "trying" to have a child at your age, when you have no money in place to support a baby, no plan of action, no secure home, no prospects. The fact you are doing this shows that you are not mature, because an adult would realise this was not the right time. Apart from the fact you will be bringing a new person into a life, which will not be as good as it deserves, you will also end up sponging off the state, using benefits and handouts, and personally, I actually resent that. I pay my taxes to go towards important things, not because two immature teenagers decided they were ready to have a baby and didnt care about the consequences.
Finally, at 17 do you really think this girl is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you have a child with her, you have an obligation for AT LEAST the next 18 years.
18 YEARS.
THAT IS LONGER THAN YOU HAVE BEEN ALIVE.
I hate to be a realist, but at 17, it is very very very unlikely this is the girl you will end up marrying or being with until you die. I know its harsh, and you don't want to hear it, but very few BF/GF relationships last outside of school.
I really hope you do the right thing, think this through, and do what is best FOR YOU. YOUR life for the next 70 years is more important. DO you really want to throw away any prospects for a good job, a career, and the nice house and family you want, because your GF wants to get pregnant at 17? Remember, once the deed is done, you cannot go back. A baby is for life.
Do the right thing, and be the adult in this relationship. Wear a condom.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2010): A baby is very expensive and need a strong family that wont fall apart. i suggest you wait until you have a adequate income until you start a family x Good luck
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 January 2010):
 Hi Uncle,
You make me think about the Maury show. No one is stopping you from doing anything. You are free, but not so free when money comes into place. The American Dream is getting harder and harder to achieve, but not impossible.
But realistically, couples sex life goes downhill after a baby comes. Psychologists say because the man does not view the woman and a sexual animal but as a mother, thus not sexually appealing anymore.
McDonald's promote people very quickly, especially if you are willing to work late nights. It's not uncommon that people become second assistants in only 2 years, that means 5 years to become store managers. And it doesn't just stop there. McDonald's does not require experience, thus the minimum wage. You just have to be fast and follow orders. It's that simple.
It would all work out if your partner wants a full time career too, after the baby is old enough to be in day care. Just don't expect her to work late nights, please.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 January 2010):
The most important thing about having children is that they are brought into a family that is essentially 'going somewhere'. That means you need money, qualifications for a job and such. The average baby in the UK costs upwards of £150,000 over 18 years. Then you need a home, you need to make sure your child has a good education and such. You want to have a nice home? You need a good job so you can make money. The average home in the UK is £140,000, and for a deposit you need to have 20%, meaning £28,000. I'm sure you're mature, but wait. Because a child will cost a fortune. And if you don't have the money and the home, then your child will really lose out. Stick it out at college, get a good job and save. Then when you're in a better position, you can have children.
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