A
female
age
,
*sigirl
writes:Help! My bf and I are both divorced with grown children and I have one (14) at home. He lives in another town and we have made our 3 hour distance relationship work fine for 9 months. The trouble is that his adult daughters are jealous of me and are trying to sabotage our relationship. I'm in grad school and he essentially picks up the tab for the most part. Something he says he is happy to do. The daughters are jealous because he buys me things and takes me places and spends time with me. Even thought they have their own families, except for one who is almost 30 and spends her time living between dad's and her sister's home. I am fed up with the lies and distortions these girls are pitching to cause drama between us. Not a visit goes by that the 30 year old has "drama" of some sort and either needs money from dad or is having some sort of crisis. I just don't know what to do at this point. I have fallen in love with him and he is essentially a good person but is becoming conflicted about his daughters. Now they are taking every chance they can to wage a campaign to break us up when he is home and I am getting about my life here in my city. What to do? I've never encountered such enmeshment before and am very concerned that he is not commanding the respect he should have from them. The saddest part is that they cannot be happy for his happiness because it takes away from their agendas. Any advice?
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female
reader, psigirl +, writes (5 September 2008):
psigirl is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you, lexilou.
I know of the type which you describe. My children's father married a woman like that and they do not like her at all. Perhaps it is people like that who give honest, real people like me a questionable start.?
I don't know what will come of this but am doing my best to be nice, etc. I think that's why it is so upsetting.
I've given them no reason to act out toward me.
For this reason, I think it's more likely within the dynamics of that family and that's not something I can help with.
The 30 year old has a personality disorder with an emotional intelligence of 17, manipulative and dishonest plus she has an alcohol problem. He keeps taking her back in and bailing her out of self-perpetuated drama instead of using a tough love approach or insisting that she get help.
For me, that's the thing that makes me want to walk. I don't know that I could endure a lifetime with that type of constant disruption.
Thanks again for your input!
A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (4 September 2008):
 Well you could cut and run and decide that the daughters are not worth all this hassle, but then they have won.
I have had the opposite side of this where my ex husband has chosen his girlfriend over his own children. She has manipulated him and them, lied about, stolen from and been mentally cruel to my kids for 7 years and he sided with her, threw my daughter out of his house and has not seen either of them for 3 months. Im sure you dont want it to come to that so all I can suggest is that you have some patience, try and include his daughters and try to make friends with them. It wont be easy and it will take time.
They are jealous, whether its all to do with finance or just that their dad is sharing his love with you now its hard to tell, probably a bit of both. If you try and tell him they are behaving badly or suggest he stops giving them money etc you will come across as the jealous needy one and he may side with them, blood is sometimes thicker than water. Maybe you could try suggesting things without criticising, things like the girls need to be standing on their own two feet at their age and finding solutions to their own problems.
If you want to make this work you have to accept that they will be around for ever, just be polite, try and be friendly and dont let him or them know they are getting to you, they may eventually realise you are actually not a bad person and stop trying to break you up, good luck x
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