A
male
age
36-40,
*hatdoido333
writes:Well i will start with the basics. I am in a long distance with my current girlfriend. We met online(was never intending to date online, but we met and just clicked..and here we are) We are both 23 years old.We have been together for around 6 months now. We have yet to meet in person. But that step is very close, well...maybe not anymore ;/.I live in Canada, her in the USA. And the plans were for her to be moving here in the next 2-3 months, which is at this point strictly based on financial interests. Here is the background story to the issue.When we started dating, i would say somewhere around 2 weeks in..i made it very clear, i don't agree with talking to ex's and it has caused major heartache for me in the past. And i expressed that i would not be okay for her to continue contact with hers. With that being said, i made it well aware that i was asking alot (according some some people) and that i was willing to remain friends if the request was not worth her time. She agreed and said she had no problem with it and that it was worth the trade. So over the course of the 6 or so months, i began to catch her in little lies, and by this stage i would say somewhere along the lines of needing two hands to keep count. So as you could assume, my trust became shaken fairly early in the relationship. I unfortunately started to become a bit controlling, and i won't hide my side of it as i wish to here real answers to this. About 1-2 months ago we agreed to exchange facebook, and email passwords as we decided it would help us get to where we need to be. Everything was going good for the past couple of months, to my knowledge anyways. We had our fights obviously, any healthy relationship needs it's arguements. 2-3 weeks ago, i seen a paypal purchase show up in her email. It was for an android phone App called WhatsApp.It's pretty much a service that allows you to text, all etc with anyone and not need service, just an internet connection. Ever since i seen the email, i started getting bad gut feelings, and every couple of days i would ask her if she was talking to any ex boyfriends, or doing anything that i wouldn't agree with..you know, stuff you shouldn't do in a relationship. And she went on to swear to me, promise me every couple of days there was nothing of the sort.2 days ago, i felt bold, and i said that i had found a way to access her account (which i had not, and i know it was wrong, BUT...ding ding) and pretty much baited her into telling me what was up.She told me that the day after she got the app, up until the day she confessed, that she had been texting an ex she had dated roughly 4 years ago, online (they never met, but it lasted 9 months)She said that she just wanted to have a friend, and someone to talk with. But i told her that if that was the case she could have chosed one of many friends she had, and that choosing him had to be more than just that, she defended with "we were really good friends and i trust him" But here's what really has me thinking weird and unpleasant things. He asked her what she looks like now days, so she sent him 2 pictures of herself. Just face shots, but none the less, if i have issues with the ex's, and you need to lie and sneak around, AND send pictures, that seems a little odd does it not? And then i go on to find out that during our fights she was talking to him and telling him how i was being an asshole, controlling..and just laying all of our problems right in front of him.Am i wrong for being completely fucked up emotionally over this? I haven't been able to get it out of my head, i'm not sleeping much anymore, not much of an appetite. It's boiling down to the what if's in my head, and the main one being what if there's more than she is telling me. I don't know, i just really need some help on what to do. I know it's early and all, and we haven't met. But we have more in common than i thought possible, i really love her and i see us having a future together (depending if this wall is to high to get over) and i just really don't know what to do :( She told me she was going to stop talking to him as of the day i found out, and admitted she fucked up, and that she is really trying to change and make this work.And for the wild card. We are both diagnosed with bipolar, and her borderline personality disorder. And we both are on medication for extreme anxiety. So none the less, we have alot working against us, but i refuse to give up, i'm looking for a way to salvage this, a perspective from outsiders..so please, don't be shy. ;(
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (11 April 2013):
 Dear Whatdoido,
I’m sorry to be Debbie downer here but the fact that you consider a woman you never met a committed girlfriend and are planning to have her move to be with you in the next two to three months without having even met yet gives me pain. Then you add that she had an ex “boyfriend” from a few years back that she was “with” for 9 months but again it was only online.
ONLY ONLINE is not real life. Yes you can MEET folks online but until it moves to face to face contact on a regular basis, it’s really just fantasy that it’s a serious relationship. There are folks you can have an online connection to that when you finally meet face to face, it just does not work with them.
The fact that she is a serial online dater (and not meeting her “boyfriends “IRL) is a huge red flag to me.
The fact that you are upset about her sending face shots to a man she’s never met but considered her boyfriend much like she currently considers you one, is very telling to me.
I personally can’t see a reason to be friends with an ex myself but when I meet up for lunch with my ex-husband, I tell my current husband before it happens and he has no issue with it.
I do not think based on her past behavior, the fact that you are having trust issues and have not met, and the fact that you both have multiple mental health diagnosis does not bode well for the long term health of the relationship.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2013): What you need to do is try dating someone in real life. Just reading all of this I am amazed at what you or the two of you are considering a relationship and the feelings, emotions and trust/distrust you have created with your cyberspace fantasy. Go back and read what you wrote. What is going on here is not healthy in any way. Until you actually meet this person in real life, all of the things the two of you are doing are just words on a screen.In the real world, where people interact with each other face to face....When they are dating, that means you pick her up from her home and take her somewhere and you spend time together. You are not dating!When you have real feeling for someone and there is real chemistry, it's because you have connected person to person, have touched each other, have looked into each other's eyes. You have not done any of these things so the feelings you think you have are all a fantasy, not a reality!When challenges arise in a relationship, it's because the time you've spent together you have learned something new that you can either live with or not. You cannot possibly have these kind of issues when you haven't even met or spent any real time together in your day to day life! However, what you have discovered is that perhaps based on all of your "fantasy dating life" the two of you have created, that this fantasy is not going to work out. If you are already having conflict on a computer screen, it's not likely you will do any better in real life since the two of you are apparently a bit socially inept to be able to see how ridiculous all of this is.I could go on and on here. Please, get a grip and stop all of this.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 April 2013):
 What do I do,
I'm usually the first to promote staying together and forgiving and building up the relationship, but I to see a lack of trust. Or, rather a lack of trustworthiness. Putting that aside for the moment, she has looked outside the relationship. There are two possible reasons for that. One you can do something about, the other you probably can't accept. Either you are not filling her emotional needs, you can step up and win her back. Or, she is unfaithful and likes to keep many guys on the string, that you will find unacceptable.
The first step to fulfilling her needs is to find out what is missing. She says she needs the other guy's ear because she trusts ham and can talk to him. You need to fill that need for a long term relationship to work. Some people would say that she should talk to a girlfriend instead. That would probably make you feel more secure, but she would still be talking about your problems to someone else instead of resolving those problems with you. Does she not feel safe telling you, " hey, that rule is too controlling for me"? Is she afraid that you will cut her off if she objects to something you ask for? Can you offer her that kind of safety?
I don't want you to think I am blaming you for her unfaithfulness. But there is something broken and if you really want to save the relationship you are going to have to be part of fixing it.
FA
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (11 April 2013):
 Hi, You say you want to make the relationship work, unfortunately trust is key in any relationship and at this stage your GF cannot be trusted. What has she said or dont to assure you that she is longer in contact with this guy? Is she willing to canel whattsapp or give you access / passwords that will give you comfort that she is trying to restore the trust.Action speaks louder the volume so I suggest you watch her closely and decide if she is fighting to keep you or willing to throw away what yourll have.
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