A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, I have a wedding question. My fiance and I have waited almost three years to get engaged as I wanted to be able to afford the wedding I want as all little girls dream about their wedding. I am just not sure I can spend six thousand dollars on a wedding and that is bare minimum, just a note we have shared money for about two years and are extremely conservative people. It is only one day and the six thousand dollars is gone forever. We could use that towards a newer car or just extra security should we hit hard financial times. It is money that could be saved that will be gone in literally one day and that does not even include a honeymoon. He seemed upset when I mentioned eloping, he said he can work overtime and well save more. He said he couldn't imagine not giving me what I'd always dreamed of. How do I decide if I'm going to hate myself for spending that on a wedding and if I don't want to have one how can I explain that to him? We absolutely have the money for a wedding but I'm not sure its a good investment. How can I let him know that he does provide for us and very well but spending money frivolously goes against everything in me. How can I decide if I'll hate myself in twenty years for not having a wedding? Oh cupid, what do I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2014): OP you're right, money doesn't grow on trees but if you can't use it to enjoy yourself then what's the point?
It's good to be sensible but every now and again you have to throw caution to the wind and let loose. You and he can afford that. It wouldn't ruin you financially to do this and what better investment is there than the day you commit your life to this guy?
I mean what's the point in being careful about money if it still makes making decisions this tough?
Have the wedding you've always wanted. 6k for the greatest day of your life is not a bad investment at all. How is a newer car a better investment? You already have a car and if it works fine then I'd think someone as thrifty as you wouldn't be in any hurry to throw more money at a new one.
OP you only get one wedding (I know, doesn't always happen that way) but that's the plan.
Something tells me you did dream of a fancy wedding and the only thing holding you back is the potential guilt. My wife was the opposite and always dreamed of a beautiful location and the man of her dreams, she didn't care about dresses or anything like that.
OP when it comes to weddings my feeling is it's the woman's day. I would feel totally shit if my wife didn't get the day she'd always wanted and especially over a stupid reason (sorry, in my mind it is) like getting a newer car we can just save up to get later. Money wouldn't matter as much as giving her the best possible start to our marriage and throwing the best party we can afford for our guests because at the end of the day OP it's just a big party with you as the centre of attention.
OP my wedding was my gift to my wife. I'd feel like quite the failure as a husband if I let her have less than what she deserved because she was too frugal and would rather spend the money on heating oil or other such mundane day to day thing. That day was an investment into our marriage and I wanted to give that the best start possible.
My point is OP, be careful in what you choose that you don't make it so he feels like you felt so insecure financially that you couldn't splash out this once. This is a once in a life time thing, you can buy a better car in the future, so that guilt will vanish, but I wouldn't run the risk of making it a day your husband looks back on for good as the day he couldn't give you your dream. You'll have to come up with a better reason or at least convince him this is a new dream or something to make sure it doesn't feel like a defeat to him.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 January 2014):
 If your fiance's family is wealthy and judgemental and like their weddings to be " just so " ... well, who prevents them from signing a big fat cheque for the big fancy wedding of their liking ? They aren't prepared to do that ? too bad. Then they will have to make do with the simple intimate wedding that you can provide, and the home reception.
Do what YOU feel like doing. It's your wedding, YOUR special day, you are accountable to none.
Although I must say that between the 20 $ wedding suggested by Sageoldguy, and the 10.000 $( and much more ! ) required for a fancy wedding there must be something in between, and I think you could and should spend SOME money to make it a special and memorable event. It's just a matter of chosing right.
For instance you say you were dreaming about a beautiful wedding as a little girl, but.. I don't think that as a child your dream was of filling with food a large bunch of third grade cousins, was it ?:) I think you probably focused on looking dazzling, like a fairytale princess, with a beautiful dress , etc.etc. Well you can do that, if you want to go all princess-y you can buy a second hand gown ( after all, it only has been used once, for few hours ), or renting it , or have it made at a reasonable cost by a good but not super posh seamstress. Visit a decent hair salon, have a make up- wizard friend ( we all have one ) make you up real nice, - ask a friend or a relative ( the amateur photographer is another very common variety of friend or acquaintance ) to take your pics or shoot your video, and voila', with a few hundreds you'll have your princess-for-a-day mementos.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 January 2014):
 Congratulations for buying in to one of the biggest boondoggles of all time..... the expensive wedding!!!
Whether you spend $10 (for the license + $10 tip to the Justice of the Peace) or $10,000.... you're no more or less "married."
I'm not much a fan of unnecessary opulence.... and outlandishly expensive weddings are one of my pet peeves...
My reply: Elope and use whatever you are/were going to spend on "the wedding" as a down-payment on your house....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (11 January 2014):
The thing is there will always be fancier and fancier weddings. So if his family will be judgmental then ignore them and do something for yourself and your fiancé. Don't let their thoughts change what you want. Plus, if you just elope and get married at a courthouse they will probably judge that as well. So make the wedding about the two of you and what you guys want. Money and expensive weddings won't make you happier on your wedding day and if they can't understand that, too bad for them. And if you make your decision to not go for the cozy little wedding you described based on them, will you regret it and resent them for it a few years down the road?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 January 2014):
 I have been to expensive wedding and "cheap" ones.
I myself didn't dream of a BIG fairytale wedding, that is just not how I was raised. We had a JOP wedding with 10 guests that after the ceremony we took out and had dinner with. 6 months later my parents threw a garden party for all my side of the family & friends who didn't get a chance to be at the JOP wedding - They DID hire a caterer (awesome food) and a huge tent, but my mom, dad, brother, and SIL did all the decorations and it was quite awesome, much more in MY style. There wasn't a whole lot of people there ( maybe 50?) and ALL of them were people I WANTED there.
So figure out with your FIANCE what you two want and make it happen.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses, they are very helpful. My fiance doesn't care if we have a fancy wedding or not as long as I'm happy, so its all on me to decide. I wouldn't mind having a small wedding at a church and the reception at my family member's home but I know that his family will be judgmental. They always are and they are significantly more wealthy than mine and I don't want my wedding to be stressful and me be worrying about what his family is thinking. I could never not invite his family although that's what he suggests. He suggests we just not talk to them at all but that is not acceptable to me, even if they are selfish and judgmental. So it seems either a fancy wedding or the courthouse. I guess time will tell which I want more. PS: Fatherly Advice you are so correct, now that I work for ever dollar that goes into my bank account I question everything I spend. I am so grateful to my parents and family who gave selflessly to get me through school nearly debt free although they really didn't have it. I appreciate it now a lot more than I did then. Money really doesn't grow on trees.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 January 2014):
 Congratulations you have saved up 6000 at your age. I'm impressed. A funny thing happens when you save. You start to really value the money that you have worked hard to earn. I am not at all surprised that you are starting to question what you were planing on spending that money on. I often advise people your age to concentrate more on making a wonderful marriage rather than focusing on an impressive wedding. You and your fiance should come to an agreement together. Your mother may have a vote in the decision as well but her vote is smaller than yours.
In the end it is your decision and you have done well to have earned the right to make that decision. As to Whether or not you will regret it in the future? Well, Do you regret the sacrifices you have made to have achieved the savings you now have?
FA
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A
female
reader, kirra07 +, writes (11 January 2014):
I had wanted a fancyish wedding, but when I started checking venues and catering, it turned out that a medium wedding would easily cost over 10000. So we went very small. Rented a room on the military base, did the decorations ourself and just had a dinner at a restaurant. So we saved money on decorations, renting all the chairs and linens and stuff, music, catering, etc. Instead we spent money on stuff we cared about - my dress, our honeymoon, we had a symbolic wedding at our honeymoon so we got pictures in winter and on the beach. So for the price of what I had originally thought our wedding should be, instead we got our wedding and honeymoon for less than that price.
I do want to say that I do sometimes have some regrets that we hadn't had the party part of the wedding. I missed out on the first dance and driving off after the party, and dancing all night. And because of timing, a lot of our family couldn't make it. It is a lot of money for just one party, but I think it's about being with family and friends celebrating and making an amazing memory that's the big thing. And there are definitely ways to cut costs to do that, like other people have mentioned.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 January 2014):
 I didn't dream about my wedding. I didn't have a whole fantasy built up and I had a very nice and I think memorable wedding for a very comfortable cost. Pick your priorities. Do you want great music? Hire a fun band. Is it food you want to focus on? See if your friends can help you find a great caterer.
If you want the Hollywood fantasy with flowers tied to the light fixtures in the Plaza Hotel and gold-plated flatware with gold-rimmed plates and one waiter per table for 500 people then that's one kind of wedding.
Good friends of ours had the coolest wedding, they own a really nice restaurant but they didn't go the fancy route. They hired a really great BBQ truck to cater, had it like a picnic on a farm in a barn. Strung fairy lights and it was so damn much fun.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (11 January 2014):
IMO spending a lot of money on a wedding is a waste. Its over before you know it, and then all that money is gone.
Invest it and use it to make more.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (11 January 2014):
 This is like asking the internet whether you prefer apples or oranges! We can't possibly know what you want to spend money on.
Personally I think spending tons of money on a wedding is silly, but I spend money on loads of things other people think are silly. There's no reason you can't have a beautiful and cheap wedding though. The most memorable wedding I went to took place on a friend's property. The decorations, fairy lights and linen hung between trees. A friend played the music, and another friend (who was paid) did the food. It was just lovely and so personal and couldn't have cost more than $1000. You can get creative with ways to save money.
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