A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a 34 year old and my bf is 24.i love him dearly we live together and have a lot of hobbies and interests in common as well as values. When we met he was working but left the job soon after as it wasn't what he wanted. He can spiral into depression and has ADD. He's a talented person but it seems he has quite a defeatist attitude and it takes him a while to sort anything. He went into a new job a month ago and it was in all honesty an awful job but we've all been there. He lasted a week. I told him if he wanted he could just stay home as every morning he was really upset at having to go. He plays games and smokes a lot of weed. We don't really go out on dates.i think we've been out to dinner twice since being together and it was paid for by the people we went out with as it was for birthdays. I'm worried I'm watching him spiral. I don't mind the weed smoking but it is heavy and expensive.I am no Saint Ive been out of work too the last 6 months due to mental health. My social anxiety has been out of control and I have been taking a break to try and get myself back on track. I do have various qualifications if I want to go back to my line of work it won't be a problem plus I've been drawing and exploring other creative pursuits so I do have some plans I'm just building a better portfolio. I just worry that if we find a bigger place that it will all be on me to keep us afloat. He gets quite down and seems to not have a lot of belief in himself. He tells me he is usually hard working but I haven't seen that side of him since we've been together. Sorry for the long rant. I wonder how I can help him. If I can at all ? I try to encourage his interests, I try to help him wherever I can but sometimes he gets overwhelmed by even simple things like making a phone call.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2022): You want to breakup, and you came here for the permission to dump your boyfriend. You see him for what he is, and you're afraid that you'll end-up homeless and jobless; and having to share the last of your resources to support him. You've grown fond of him, and you have a caretaker's personality. You feel you have to take care of him; because when you look at him, he makes you feel sorry for him. You are also caught-up in your guilt; because if you were down and out, you'd hate the idea of being abandoned at the worst time in your life. You've probably convinced yourself this is better than being alone. You can do bad all by yourself. He's not giving-up anything for your benefit. Everything is centered around his needs.
First-off, you took time-off from working to deal with your mental-health. You are not his second-mother. If worst comes to worst; that's probably where he'd end-up. Back home with his parents. You're in no condition to be mothering and supporting a twenty-something year-old pot-smoking teenager.
You say you have no problem with the pot smoking. You should have a problem with excessive pot-smoking and the lack of ambition of a full-grown man who doesn't like to work; but stay home and puff and play games all day.
He needs to pack his little things, and go home to his parents. You need to get your own life together; and get back on your therapy program, until you're well enough to go back to work. You're all over the place with all sorts of plans. That's fine; but in the meantime, you need a job to support yourself until you figure-out what you want to do. You're subconsciously stalling from dealing with life head-on; and using a change of employment as a feasible excuse. Work on getting well, as your top priority. He is a hindrance to that endeavor. He must go!
Send him home to his real mama. Urge him to get back on whatever meds he's prescribed to take, and suggest he get a job. Weed isn't helping. You feel guilty about letting him go, and you feel responsible for him. You are your brother's keeper; but he is supposed to work to support himself, and help you out.
You're too young to be his mama. You're supposed to feel romantic-love towards your partner in a relationship; not pity, and responsible for rescuing him from this tragic life. He's slowly becoming a bum, and you're his enabler.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 May 2022):
 I think you both need to deal with whatever mental health issues you think you have - neither of you can really self-diagnose here (and we on DC can't either).
I think YOU both should seek help here and WORK on the issues you both feel are holding you back.
Weed smoking is NOT a cure for anything. It only dulls the capability to think clearly and feel much of anything. He will continue to feel depressed and it might lead to more smoking and more smoking and more self-isolation.
You say you are working on a better portfolio, that is great. Do you have any concrete goals? Plans? If not, focus on your mental health, then work on a plan for a career and financial goals. Taking a break from work or having a career with not cure your social anxiety either. You need to work on it. I know that sounds much easier to say than to do. However, THIS is your life. Is this how you want to live it?
He is 24. Doing NOTHING with his life. Do you think that will change all by itself? No, it won't. He has NO reason to get another job, you provide a roof over his head and food + money for weed? You provide internet and I'm sure other financial things he needs? Or does his parents or the Government? I don't think you are helping him by enabling him to do shit all with his life. He needs to sort himself out. If that means he needs to go to therapy, see a doctor, WORK on himself - good - but being OK with him not doing ANYTHING to move forward is going to hurt the BOTH of you. You are NOT his mommy. You are NOT responsible for him. Financially or otherwise. He is 24, so his actual Mommy isn't responsible for him either! He is a GROWN man. I know you do it out of love and kindness but look at how he is just not engaging with life. He doesn't do that because he doesn't HAVE to.
I'm not saying toss him in the lake and tell him to swim but maybe he needs more than a "try to help" gentle nudge and more of a "this needs to be done".
You two need to sit down and figure out how to stop stagnating. Life doesn't wait for us.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, OP but YOU have to do the work to get there, and so does he. You can't do it for him. Love won't fix him, weed won't cure him.
Get yourself some PROPPER help. Both of you.
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