A
female
age
36-40,
*hatgothgirl20
writes:Hi.I have been married for about one year, and we went out for about one year, so we have been together for two years. I have been depressed anyways, Idk why maybe because I am going to be graduating soon and this is a life change for me, graduating from college, but lately something that my spouse has done (on Friday) has upset me. We went to Wal-Mart so that I could get a debit card and put money on it for the Praxis II test. Well he kept telling me that if I have three debit cards that they wouldn't let me do that. I was hearing him, but I wasn't going to obey him. I was going to do things my own way. And sure enough, I was right and I got to pay for the test. I had cancelled a card, but it was kind of difficult to mention something like that when he was yelling at me in Wal-Mart, because I wouldn't "listen" to him. My voice rose at first with a few cuss words, and then his voice rose and kept on and on (with his words, not necessarily saying that his voice kept growing) until we left the store, and then when I finally had him outside of the store, I told him to stay outside so I could get the card and fill it. He had an outburst like this some months maybe a year ago, but it was at home. I hate his little "outbursts" and I know that I am not innocent myself, but I can't help but wonder if this was verbal abuse? I told him I noticed other people acting nervous around us, but he (what a surprise) didn't notice. I got him to admit that it was, but then he changed his mind and acted like he didn't remember saying it was. I hate when he does that, when he forgets something so easily that happened five fuckin minutes ago. According to him, he didn't consider himself yelling, so maybe his voice wasn't yelling, but in the middle range. My question is this: Was this verbal abuse? I can't remember the stuff he was yelling, but it could've been something like "You aren't listening to me." Also he says there's this thing I always do with people, where I go "ugh." and don't listen to them. He says he has no problem with me doing my own thing, it's just that he felt like I wasn't listening to him. He grew up in a family where shit like this was norm, and he refuses to believe me that this could've been verbal abuse. He tells me that I did the right thing by getting him out of the store, but when I did he muttered some stupid shit underneath his breath and then later on acted like he didnt and that he only said "you've got ten minutes Amanda" He acts like a fucking child sometimes. He has ADD and hes really starting to bug the fuck out of me. On top of this, I have been depressed for about four days sleeping a lot because I feel like, yeah amanda, you couldn't even tell him to fuck off. Which I didn't want to at the time. I was scared, and I didn't want to stoop to his level of arguing in public. I didn't want to be that type of couple that does that. Ne ways, tell me the truth, even if it hurts me, even if I am in the wrong. Was this verbal abuse or not? Oh, and he doesn't believe in psychiatry....he reminds me of a hick when I say that....ne ways... so what I just remember is him saying something like either "you always do this/you're not listening to me" one of those. I used to tell him that he wasn't listening to me, so am I getting karma? My horoscope told me to have a tape recorder on hand, and that was the one that I read yesterday or today I think. He just seems to get into a bully mode sometimes. Idk. What is this?
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female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (8 September 2009):
thatgothgirl20 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for the responses. It frustrates me when he acts like if I had just said the right word, or the right phrase, or what he wanted to hear that he just would've calmed down. I told him that I am not responsible for his behavior and shouldn't have to walk on egg shells like that.
He did apologize several times afterwards, but it offended me when he was all "Oh I'm not from a touchy-feely family," because my family wasn't all that great either. But it was better than his in that sometimes people realized what they did to each other and apologized afterwards. I don't think his family after hurting him ever apologized to him?
He told me that I was painting a pretty ugly picture in regards to the situation and that it was not like that. Oh and busy, I don't make "little remarks." He knows when I am saying something. I don't mutter things. He mutters things, and this gets on my nerves, because he doesn't remember them! He muttered some stuff after I got him out of Wal-Mart, and according to him, he didn't! According to him, all he said was "Be out in ten minutes, Amanda." But I heard him mutter something before this, so I asked him, well was that what you said to begin with, but you were just repeating yourself? And according to him he said it only once so I am still trying to figure out what he muttered and it just pisses me off. He gets this way when he is really stressed. He was really stressed that day, and I told him that he doesn't handle stress well, but he thinks he does, so whatever. I've posted questions on here before and I don't really plan on leaving him anytime soon cos I'd have to go through all his yelling and ranting and stupid shit. He'd tell me that "Well if YOU want to give up over something petty and stupid that's you, and that shows me how important this relationship is to YOU."
He has problems listening to me himself, and he said oh so you don't get that way when I'm not listening to you?, and I said no, I go off somewhere and cry. Like that one time I felt like he wasn't listening to me when we were in an auto parts store. I'm just pissed off, because I accepted him for who he was, but he wont accept my little quirks. If he wants to be this way, I can call him out on his "listening skills" every time we are in an auto parts store or around something that interests him because he becomes so engrossed in it its like he's barely hearing what I'm saying. I'm also tired of him giving me advice when I don't even ask for it! I'm just venting right now though, thanks for your responses.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): I'm less worried if it was verbal abuse, than if you're married to an inconsiderate a-hole. He sounds controlling, and the kind of person that it's "my way, or the highway"... the question you need to ask yourself is "is this a healthy loving relationship that I want to spend the rest of my life in"... I wouldn't.If he can't start addressing his outlook (ADD is NO excuse) and the way he treats you (and likely others), then you may be married to someone who is incapable of being in a loving relationship. Your choice... stay or go... just take a really GOOD look at what attracted you to him and realize that if you don't look at this (and may be do a bit of work on this yourself) you're likely to end up in a new relationship with someone very similar. We're all like this - we tend to be attracted to people with the same character and personality... some of us (me included) tend to have a broken "picker"... it can take a few years to spot the problem and then course correct. Life is great now, but it took some time for me to figure it out...Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (8 September 2009):
 You can go through this list, if it helps:
http://www.familyshelterservice.org/assess.html
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A
female
reader, busy04 +, writes (8 September 2009):
 I don't believe that "raising your voice" or saying "you aren't listening to me" is verbal abuse at all. People do get upset and they can get kind of loud, that's normal for some. However if he's saying things to tear you down or make you feel bad about yourself, is constantly putting you down etc...then that would go for verbal abuse.
Couples have arguments, disagreements or whatever you want to call them (I'm sure you know this:) & being that you guys have only been together for 2 years now, you still have LOADS of things to learn about each other, including how you each react to certain situations. And sometimes your response in the midst of it can cause a crazy reaction as well. You know, if he's already yelling and upset (and he could have a little more self control as to not raise his voice), it doesn't help if you make your "little remarks", you know the ones you make under your breath but loud enough for him to hear? (believe me, I have done that a lot:). So try not to react to his reactions sometimes, it may be hard & I'm not saying that you have to be a "yes wife" all the time, I'm just saying that when he gives negative, you should give positive. And I also suggest that you just talk to your husband, not in the midst of the disagreement, but in a very calm atmosphere one day & just let him know that his response or "bullying mode" disturbs you. And you never know how he feels, he may feel like his "opinions" don't matter to you as much or etc. So just do something relaxing to set the right kind of mode and talk to him & listen to him in return, that's what a marriage is about: communication. Communication is everything, it's all a part of growing together. The tape recorder can be a good idea (after you talk to him first) to be used as a reminder like "baby, see you're talking like this again today", things like that. (I may try that with my hubby:)
Hope I could help you.
Good luck!
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