A
female
age
36-40,
*lexia846
writes:I was wondering if someone could help me reflect on my five year relationship that I finally ended two years ago but remain broken.Short story I started dating my ex when I first started college I was 19him 23. I used to be very extraverted/confident since many people complimented me on my looks and body and overall I went out and had friends.when I started dating him he started yelling/screaming At me judging my friend/ saying that most of them were a bad influence. There were times where he would tell me to wear makeup cause I needed to cover up/times where I needed to loose weight/ many times he would yell about me being annoying . It would also bother him that I had a belly and want toned enought I was 5"3 and 120 pounds and that was too big/ sometimes he even spit at me in arguments. What started out as a confident girl got lost ashore and quiet until he took me so much for granted and broke my heart so many times that I decided to leave when another stranger showed me I didn't deserve this..My question after all of this is... Is it abuse? What was it I mean he was not bad all the time.. It's been two years and although I am glad I am not with him I feel so lost. I don't date in fact I don't know what to think of love because I gave 100percent and someone did this..I go back and although men always say I am attractive and highly educated and have a great job I still feel so low and small.. I tear up at everything.. I mean he never hit me but I feel so destroyed inside/ Im so vunrable and lonely but so confused at what to make of five years of nothingness of me giving everything to have it just come to nothingPlease help me i feel so alone and confused; I often want someone to hug me and love me and show me that there is a nice guy out there but I have become so angry and bitter. I feel like ppl just want to step over nice ppl and I feel like it pointless being nice because u get taken for grantedPlease let me know ur thoughts cause I'm so afraid to date sometimes as I havent in two years
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): yes it is called 'emotional abuse'. please google it. you will find many articles on the web about it, describing exactly what you wrote about both what he did and the effects on you. emotional abuse can mess you up even more than physical abuse. (and even in physical abuse it is often the emotional or mental component of it that has the long term impact on you). such people are not abusive all the time, it happens in cycles.
I think you should start reading up on emotional abuse to get a better understanding of what happened to you and what you are experiencing.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): Yes it was abuse, but you need to put it behind you. Don't let him have this control over you. The person you used to be is still there, you just have to find her.
Take control back of your life. Don't let this jerk ruin your chances of finding love with a nice guy. And don't allow anyone to ever treat you that way again.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (7 November 2012):
 yes it was abuse. you don't need to be assaulted (physcially) for it to be abusive treatment, and it's so much worse when it's your first love, or your first serious bf because you put that blind, full trust in them to see it be violated time and again.
I would recommend counseling because trying to handle it on your own is not enough, particularly if you're just coming to realize that maybe something wasn't right about the relationship and it's been several years since. I agree with previous posters that you should not pressure yourself to start dating, that you should focus on yourself. Right now you're still in a vulnerable position, and it is likely that you'll attract someone that can either detect that and will either take advantage in some way or you won't be attracted to because they find the vulnerability appealing, and it's something you want to progress out of.
Be sure that you continue to draw support from your family and friends. Tell your mom some event that you never told her while you were dating this guy, ex: the spitting. If she is the type, she will commiserate with you and try to make you whole again, particularly if she didn't know the extent of his mistreatment of you. Maybe call up your old roommies you had at the time you were dating this guy, or whoever remembers you as you used to be and can bring out that dynamic personality again. Just as you can languish around the wrong people, you can flourish around the right people. Consider spiritual resources, if you find comfort and peace in those avenues. Read up about emotional/verbal abuse and how others have healed.
Here are some from amazon that seem particularly useful:
1) this one will help with the basics of what you're feeling based on your experiences:
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Scars-Emotional-Abuse-Gregory/dp/0800733231/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1352300651&sr=8-2&keywords=emotional+abuse
2) this one may be helpful so you realize where he was coming from, not so that you empathize with him, but so you realize it was NOT YOU that was the problem, it was his anger, his need to control that drove his behavior. WIll also help in identifying red flags for future relationships.
http://www.amazon.com/Signs-Emotional-Abuse-Relationships-ebook/dp/B007OM83HY/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1352300651&sr=8-3&keywords=emotional+abuse
3)this one is about healing and empowering yourself. It may help in getting you out of your reserved personality-a defense mechanism to avoid future pain you experienced in your past relationship.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Emotionally-Abused-Woman-Destructive/dp/0449906442/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1352300651&sr=8-4&keywords=emotional+abuse
Finally, please continue to come to this site. While it can be difficult to open up to a forum where you don't know what kind of response or judgment will be placed upon you, know that individuals in your situation we are extremely supportive of and want to help to get back on track. All the best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 November 2012):
 Yes, that was abuse. And I'm glad you were able to walk away from it.
You need to start from scratch. So maybe not dating is not a bad thing for now. Focus on getting "you" back.
You might also want to delve into why you let this happen over and over from this guy. So maybe finding a therapist could be a good beginning.
There ARE nice guys out there. But you also have to trust in yourself to walk away when you know something is not right.
If you do decide to start dating don't compare the guy to your ex, go slow and listen to your gut.
Last but not least, time to forgive yourself. IT IS NOT your fault that your ex was a wacko. The guy had/has a very skewered view on women. So please honey, STOP beating yourself up for having dated this dude. But also.. LEARN from that relationship.
YOU can not change/cure/fix a guy no matter how much you love them.
You can not let anyone push you around, not at all, not in the "name of love" or for any other reason.
IT IS OK, to say no.
IT IS OK, to walk away from people who doesn't treat you right.
YOU deserve love.
Not all guys are like you EX. In fact I think he is a minority in his line of thinking and treatment of women.
Don't stop living life because of one crappy abusive ex. You only have one life, so it's TIME to live it.
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