A
female
age
26-29,
*oupar
writes:So my ? is Can substitute dad put down ground rules on date night when i am 19 and will not graduate high school until January. My father is no longer living with us-Due to my dads meanness we have never been close. anyways, my step mom is now raising us with the help of my dads brother.(just so u know Bro does not live with us yet.) Bro has no kids and has always tried hard to be fatherly because my dad never has been. So this is how this morning went: This morning bro gave me a nice truck with a $100 gas card for work reasons. Tells me he will keep up all the maintenance and give me an allowance as long as i keep helping out around the house n go back to school in september. He explains to me Sense he has put me on his insurance that if the truck is not at home in the driveway by 11/11:30 that he wants to know where it is. He also states if i take it for date night then he should met the guy i'm going out with that's going to be in the car. (I am a good girl, I really need the truck so i can work more hours. I'm not being disrespectful, i just think he shouldn't set down any ground rules with it.) So after the truck conversation a very nervous, sweating Bro then goes from date night to asking if at the moment I need any boy talk, sex talk. He's got a funny look on his face (and the sweat from his for head is getting worse and he takes a deep breath)and says if I do-sense my dads not around any more and moms can he hard to talk to about stuff that he'd be more then happy to discuss anything that's on my mind but prefers the boy talk/any talk about sex to be with grandma. He then adds if I needed money for protection to let him know he'd give the money to me to purchase what ever i needed. I could see he was seriously struggling to have the conversation with me so I said ok. i took the keys from him and walked away. 2 1/2 hours later he comes in with groceries after shopping with my sisters and acts like all's good but Now-looking back at this morning, I'm wondering if he Is over stepping his boundries by setting ground rules? I know someday he will be my step dad but was his talk about other things-was he going to far? Or Is Bro just trying to show he is trying to be there for me sense my Dad never has been? I'm confused.
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, coupar +, writes (4 August 2017):
coupar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMany thanks for all your help, i wish u all well--We are going to Leave for my grandparents for 2 weeks much needed vacation. Thanks again:)
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (3 August 2017):
 You're right only time will tell, however I don't see him walking out on you.
What you can do is try to minimise the stress for others, as we all should, by doing well what we're supposed to be doing without leaning unnecessarily on others.
It will all work out fine. :)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2017): Try trusting bro and give him a chance to prove he is a decent guy.
Talk to your folks about yourself and your life as much as possible.
Dont depend on advice sites too much because you dont really know people the same way as family so try talking to bro about things that bother you as well as talking to step mom and grandparents who all love you!
They will always be there for you!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2017): Youve been let down so much in the past that you are mentally preparing for the worst but so far this bro has been kind and respectful.
Have a little confidence in him and you may find it all goes really well.
He certainly puts his money into the household kitty by looking after you all.
It takes time to build trust so work on that!
I think this bro might be the other side of the coin to your dad.
Learn to depend on him a bit more and seek his advice before you ask advice from others including online.
The phone plan is great!
This bro is probably already putting away money for you all for weddings and so on!
And communicate with your grandparents as well.
Talk to bro and them about anything not just man/woman stuff.
Rely on bro as much as you can because he sounds very decent and dont worry about the sweating thing.
He is a little shy about talking about sex but he isnt stupid!
...............................
A
female
reader, coupar +, writes (3 August 2017):
coupar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo make a long story short, last night i got hurt at work, my uncle was the 1st to arrive n take me for stitches. mom came to the walk in as quickly as she could. My dad got called- he never showed-nothing from him. im not surprised -hes never been there for anything.
My uncle has babyed me sense we have gotten home. We have sat and had a good talk. i have agreed to compromise,and he has agreed to put me on his phone plan so we can work on our communication. You all have really opened my eyes. I had not realized how costly things are including truck payments and insurance payments for the full coverage u have to have if u owe on one-that coverage is not cheap.
Most of our things are hand me downs. Tonight he took us shopping. He was doing his sweating thing again and was very nervous. He bought us all new sneakers n socks and asked us to pick something out that we needed or wanted under $10. The 3 of us girls never heard a complaint from him while we were out. He even pushed the cart. he never grumbled at all, not even at the check out counter when he paid the bill. When we got back he made us throw our old sneaks in the trash-says holy sneaks aren't in any more.
After reading all your "inputs" and him telling me he's selling all his big boy toys/things-like his pool table,his bikes n his boats-with the hopes to help give us kids a better life, I finally understand that the changes that are being made aren't just effecting us-they are him too. I now get that there has got to be some giving and compromising on each of our sides in order to make things work.
(And our last conversation of the night he ended with the facts of life conversation-him saying: "with an understanding heart ill always be here for u girls, if u get into trouble all u have to do is call me. however, please understand discussing the facts of life with anyone has never been my thing. but i'm here if its a have to be." with a goodnit he left for home.)
There's times I think things are going to work out between him and my mom an us girls, but there's another part of me that thinks the stress is going to get the best of him and he's going to walk out on us. i guess only time will tell right
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (1 August 2017):
I agree with the others. Your uncle sounds like a good guy who is doing his best by you.
So let's look at this from a legal perspective.
We are legally responsible for anything in our name, be it a house, a truck, a credit card, a loan, a gun or a lawn mower. Do you think it is reasonable for someone to be 100% responsible for something they are not 100% in control of?
Anything you do, or don't do but should, with regards to that truck will follow your uncle. If you defaulted on insurance premiums and the policy was cancelled for non payment that would be a black mark on your uncle's insurance history. If that happened often enough he could find himself ineligible for any kind of payment plan. Any claims submitted while you have care, custody and control of the vehicle will follow your uncle around. Too many claims, whether your fault or not might result in coverage restrictions or higher premiums for your uncle later on. Moving accidents will also follow you, especially if they were your fault but he`ll have to answer in some way for them too.
I understand you`re a responsible person and you`re doing all the right things but you`re as human as everyone else and sometimes we slip up. We have a bad year, we`re tired, distracted, stressed, sick, have too much going on....and as long as other people`s name are on the things you use, THEY will have to answer in whole or in part for any problems that arise.
As far as meeting any guy you date - that should be a given. It`s just proper manners for God`s sake. Sitting in the driveway and honking the horn is reserved for those we know well and for a long time, when we`re in a hurry. Otherwise the polite thing for anyone to do when picking someone up is come to the door. And it`s a very good idea for any guy you date to know from the start that you have a family who cares very much about you. Girls who don`t have that are treated quite differently.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 August 2017):
 I agree with Auntie BimBim
Yes, I DO think he can set rules and conditions for you when it comes to the truck.
The guy is trying to step up and be a positive role-model in your life.
If you don't like the rules or conditions regarding the truck - well you can always move out and get a job. While he hasn't moved in yet, he is trying to establish boundaries and rules that MAKE sense and are there to KEEP you safe. I can't see how that is a problem.
YOU are still living at home, so... the rules of the adults who PAY for you and are in charge, are the rules that matter.
While you may not like the rules, you do like the truck... right? Sometimes compromises are necessary. It might feel like YOU are the one doing all the compromising, but financially YOU are not. HE is.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2017): I think the bit about the sex talk was meant to mean that if you need to buy contraceptive or some boyfriend takes advantage of you an!d gets you pregnant he will always be there for you even if it was to fix up a termination at the beginning of an unwanted pregnancy , but all the girl talk about sex and flirting to have with your grandmother.
Anything you cant tell the women and you want run it past someone for an opinion, then you go to him!
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 August 2017):
 If you are under his care and not an independent adult (which you aren't yet, as you describe yourself), then you follow his rules. That's what it's like to be a kid. If you don't like rules from the adults who are legally responsible for you and are your caregivers, then move out and pay all bills on your own.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2017): Bro wants to be a decent guy but he is nervous and he is worried everything will go haywire just when its all looking so rosy!He gave you a new car and offered to do all the mechanics!This guy wants you to know you are valued!You are also probably extremely pretty and totally unaware of it.Bro doesnt want any cheapskate guys in that truck with you.He doesnt want anyone vomiting all over the truck and he doesnt want any bloke pinning you down and forcing you into sex.Bro is worried he will mess up and harm will come to you so he is being super careful to cover all bases and yes he wants to know you are home safe and sound before midnight.Bro does not want to lose you.Maybe you could do bro the honour of keeping close cellphone contact so that he knows where you are and so he knows you are OK at all times because this is all new to him.Also if you have any good friends you want to give lifts to then introduce them to bro.Bring them by to say hello.I wouldnt feel restricted by bro as he is really trying to step up to the plate here.So cut him some slack, get in early, invite your friends over to the house and see he wants you to have a future and if anyone tries to hurt you he will be there for you.A cinderella curfew is no big deal.Youve been through a lot so see if bro can be a proper decent man who sticks to his word by you being mature enough to stick to your side of the bargain.The sex talk was his way of trying to break the teenage ice.Anyone bothers you and you let him know and he's on the case!
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (1 August 2017):
 Personally I think he is trying to be a good substitute parent in place of his deadbeat brother. He wants to do the right thing by you.
If he is providing you with a car and the fuel to run it, as well as covering insurances and other related costs I believe he has a right to set down conditions for its use.
It sounds as if you are very lucky to have somebody like him in your life who is prepared to step up and accept the responsibilities associated with supporting you all in place of your dead beat dad. Cherish him and in years to come when the roles are reversed remember his kindness to you and yours.
...............................
|
