A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I am an older guy, early 40s, messed up some key choices in life. Am single, have middling job, somewhat shy. Not so much experience with women, though trying to get better.In the beginning of summer, a woman from work called me to tell me she was leaving. I was touched that she called me, since we knew each other in passing, but we had the bond of being hired on the same day. In late June, she texted me to tell me what she was up to.She was being so friendly, I asked her if she'd like to meet up. We met up for beer. We had a very nice conversation and I drove her home. She texted me to write her that I got home safe. I did.We met up again, this time at her suggestion. We met for dinner this time. Again, nice time, drove her home. Texted me again while I was en route home to see if I got home ok.Now, I have a lot of respect for this girl. I think she is, from what I see, a really amazing person. For example, in order to become more humble, she began cleaning the toilets at her church. She has been to 35 countries. She is very fun yet grounded and honest. However, we are of two different religions, and we are both religious. So, I do not want to go into dating ground--even if she was interested. I am also older by 9 years. Don't get me wrong--she is a quality person whom I would be honored to date (even though I think she is too good for me). But I do want to keep her as a friend, since she seems like a great person.I emailed her recently just to update her on some news in our organization. She didn't reply. I waited 5 days and emailed her again. She apologized, said she couldn't check her email at work and then forgot. She asked me to meet again. We met for beer. She did most of the talking but I didn't mind. She told me about her recent dates, and she asked me about my future plans, whether I was going to leave the company, etc. and I was reluctant to tell her. I told a little but not all. I drove her home. She asked me to text her when I got home, which I did, as usual.This time, when I texted her that I got home, she did not reply. I waited a bit and then jokingly asked, "Did you get home ok?" (a joke because I dropped her off at her home.) Her answer was: "Yup! Thanks for everything good night"It was sort of short. I got the feeling, since she didn't reply at first, and then was short, that this time she was peeved about something.So a few questions:1) Would you take her answer as that she was annoyed or I was a bother to her?2) Should I clarify things about our relationship? (i.e., tell her how much I like her, but that anything would be impractical.) Or is that presumptuous on my part?I have lately been experiencing a loss of confidence. It has been a hard year, as I suffer from depression and anxiety, and this year was particularly bad.So I wonder if I have begun to bore her, frustrate her, or become a bother--and perhaps I should leave her be.How would you interpret her last actions/remarks?Would appreciate all thoughts.Thank you.
View related questions:
at work, confidence, shy, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous,
Thanks for your reply. I didn't log in until now.
She did reply on Thursday, but it was a short email of a couple lines, saying she was busy and sorry that she hadn't written back.
I guess men/women relationships will always be tricky and will take extra effort. But I do think they are possible as long as each person has similar hopes and expectations for the friendship. If one is yearning for something more, it becomes very complicated, maybe even impossible.
I just wrote her back that it wasn't a problem that she didn't write back and she can write me whenever she wants. I agree with you that any conversation like that would be best done in person. Hopefully I will get the chance to see her again. My biggest fear, though, is that she has been short not because of the male/female thing but because she doesn't find me too worthwhile to be a friend (maybe I am too boring for her or something). Maybe she got disillusioned or something. I do not have the most confidence in the world, so that would be the worst blow.
Anyway, thanks again for writing. I really do appreciate it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): IF during your last outing you stated what you've said on here: "The religious difference is too crucial for a romantic relationship unless one of us changed religions--which is not gonna happen." then that may account for her going quiet - because maybe she was interested but this fact makes it a dead end. That would not stop a great friendship but some people can't handle friendship when they were interested in much more. IF that is the case with her.
These things are best said in person, even though it's harder, because it will prevent any further misunderstandings. Also, you can see facial expressions, body language and gauge from these what her general thoughts/feelings are.
An email, she can just avoid, so perhaps your next bet would be a call inviting her out, then having the courage to talk about what matters most. Ascertain if she feels anything more than friendship too, what you would do about the religion, and if neither is prepared to change which sounds like the case, then you have your answer and both can just remain very good friends. If she doesn't feel anything more than friendship, then you also know where you stand and you can relax and enjoy the friendship for what it is. Two special people who appreciate what the other does, and you can support and encourage each other through life's trials and joys :)
Enjoy!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous,
Thank you again for your follow-up answer. I truly appreciate the perspective of a woman, especially one with wisdom and experience.
She still hasn't replied. I don't think she will. My intention was not to bother her: if she doesn't want to reply, then I don't want to beg for her attention. But your advice is different, making me think that a follow-up note might be ok.
I certainly don't want to harass her, but I do want to know why exactly she has suddenly turned cold. You are right: nothing ventured, nothing gained. I think, as in your example, it is very common to hold back one's feelings and leave much unsaid. But that "unsaid" part is the often the thing that drives a wedge between two people.
The religious difference is too crucial for a romantic relationship unless one of us changed religions--which is not gonna happen. But stopping being friends for an unclear reason does not make much sense either.
Thank you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2013): You're very welcome.I would give it a few days, or the normal time frame she takes to respond. If she doesn't respond via email, it could be because your email was just following up on some of the things you talked about and it needs to move forward.So I would continue to encourage you to pursue the clarifying talk because nothing ventured, nothing gained. Call her, ask her out, and have the talk. Be confident, believe in yourself, and even though you think she is too good for you, you are equally special as you can see those good qualities in her and it takes one to know one!Don't worry about being too presumptuous - rather live with no regrets. You give it a try, if she is as interested as it appears - great, and if she isn't it may be a bit awkward at first but you will know you did your best and can work towards just friendship then.Knowing where each other stands is critical and part of the open and honest communication good friends or a potential relationship requires. Without it, you can meet up for 2 years or more and never know how the other really feels because both keep safeguarding their feelings in case of rejection, fear or embarrassment. With you being the guy, it may be old fashioned of me, but pursue, you have nothing to lose except your pride - which can be reinstated by your being brave enough to try again with someone else if this one doesn't work. This is about you, however if I may share my example. Many many years ago a guy lost me exactly because of this reason: not declaring intentions or having that clarifying talk. Instead, we went out for coffee, drinks, movies, etc and even though I had a crush on him, I didn't let it show as I wanted him to let me know first. He didn't, we kept going out as "friends" where we didn't even hold hands. Fast forward to us eventually losing contact as life got in the way, eventually I met someone else who did pursue and we were in a relationship when FIVE years later, the crush called saying he never forgot me, how special I was, yada yada, you get the drift. It was too late, I was already with someone else however I had nothing to lose and shared how I had felt at the time, to which he did the same. He said he had been "shy and inexperienced" and that he had been interested in more than friendship with me, and I agreed, but we had lost our opportunity by no clarifying talk. I wished him well and that he would find happiness, and didn't keep his contact details to be fair to the relationship I was in. Lesson learnt: never go out over and over if one of you is interested in more than friendship yet you never share that. It could lead to a missed opportunity forever. The whole situation was worth it though as I use it all the time when I have friends who go out for years, interested in a guy, who does not reveal what he feels and they are in limbo not knowing what to do. In my case, I don't regret the missed opportunity because now in hindsight and with wisdom, experience and maturity, I can tell even though we could talk about many things, we had a lot of things where we were different too, so we made great friends but I don't know how a relationship would have worked out. Instead, the relationship I was in when the old crush called failed due to a dishonest partner, and now, years later, I have THE ONE who pursued, was clear about his intentions up front and left no ambiguity in which I didn't even require the clarifying talk ;-) There is a difference between a guy meeting you for coffee as usual, like all your friends, versus a guy who asks you out, insists on picking you up, has done some effort on your behalf to indicate how interested he is. As a girl, if you are interested, it's easy to respond to that if you are equally interested, and the rest is history as they say :)So go forth, be bold, and good luck. Hopefully she feels the same and the religion aspect is something you can agree to disagree and still move forward. Good Luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear anonymous female reader,
Thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate it and the time you took to answer.
I wrote her am email last night, just following up on some of the things we talked about. She hasn't answered yet.
I was thinking of having the clarifying talk, but I didn't want to be presumptuous. But your encouragement pushes me to do so. I do think knowing where each other stands is very important.
Thanks again.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): "I do not want to go into dating ground"That is the crux of your problem. Your opinion that you're both religious yet of different religions, is a huge obstacle in your eyes and you don't want to date outside of that. However, your head and faith are speaking to you on one level, but your heart is trying to tell you something else. That this woman is special, that you respect her, admire her and what she has done and is doing, yet you ... have anxiety, depression, and fear and are shy.All of that can be overcome. The signs look great that she is INTERESTED. She called you when she left. She contacted you again when she had settled again. You initiated a drink (well done) and things went great. However, you've had follow up dinners, drinks, and ... not showing your intentions. Perhaps she is frustrated, or wanting clarification.Invite her out again, and be open and honest. Share with her everything you think about her - how her humbling herself at church to clean toilets amazed you; her travelling, who she is, and all the things that make you think she is too good for you. Then share how you really like her, and ascertain how she feels, what she thinks?Then share the problem you foresee... about religion, and what she thinks and feels about that. Then at least she knows where she stands with you, and you can BOTH work on the problem together. Also, you can both make a decision - to try and compromise, or to just remain friends due to your strong faith in your respective religions/beliefs.If you are able to put that aside, you may just have an amazing friend for life. If however, she is also very interested, who knows what can happen?Thank you for a well summarised and worded message, it was a pleasure to give my opinion.Wishing you luck and happiness :)
...............................
|
